verbatim conversation between custodian in my building and me:
Her: That’s a cute daughter you have there.
Me: Thanks.
Her: So when are you going to have another?
Me: Mmmm grumble grumble grumble…snarky smile
Her: Because you wouldn’t want her to grow up “alone”.
Me: Mental image of mace colliding with her unibrow.
This is just a more crass version of the same damn comments flung my way the past few months. Here’s the deal Ms Fluffernutter-fer-brains: Asking someone when they’re going to have another kid is a bit presumptious. I can understand that some people are just a little less skilled in the tact department…
However, operating under the assumption that growing up a single child is growing up “alone”…and is therefore in an inferior situation, is the height of hubris.
Fuck you and the happy smiling siblings that give your life worth.
I guess I “grew up alone” huh?
Guess you must feel “pity” for me?
Damn, it’s a wonder I’m not on top of a post office with an AK-47 picking off the people who do have siblings (they will be easy to pick out…they’re the only ones with bright shiny smiles).
FWIW, the decision to have or not have more kids is a very personal decision that will be made by me and the missus.
(And yes, I know that couples who choose not to have children face similar kinds of annoying comments…I’ve seen plenty of posts about that)
So do couples who have more than the usual number of kids. We’re about to have four, and you should see the looks. Especially since I am young (~22), and look even younger (~17).
I don’t see why people feel a need to tell you how many kids you should have. What do they care? They don’t have to raise them. It would never even occur to me to ask when you were having a second, unless your wife was obviously pregnant.
Oh, don’t worry, ** Scout, ** you’ll change your mind!
At least that’s what I’m always told, anyway. It actually gives me a good reason to look forward to my geriatric years: people will stop pestering me to breed.
Wow, way to prove the OP’s point there. Really, why is this wrong? Because it’s not the way you would do things? I’m assuming Cessandra is keeping her children clothed and fed–so what possible justification could you have for insisting she’s in the wrong?
Beagledave, I get the same shit. My son is 3, and I am constantly getting “So, when is he getting a playmate?” I hate it. My wife and I only want one, for several reasons.
Colin has 4 cousins within 2 years of him, with 2 more on the way. He goes to daycare where he has 20 or so kids he plays with.
The wife and I joke that Colin is such a good kid that if we had another, Karma would even out and we would have a complete brat.
It’s one thing to get shit from strangers, but it’s worse to get it from family who should know better. I’m not saying we would not welcome a second child, and that we would not love it to the ends of the earth. We just are not actively trying to have one.
I’ve got a question for you: Would it bother you less if someone phrased the question like “Do you think you’re going to have another child?” I’m just curious. (And I agree that it’s presumptuous for a passing acquiantance to ask you about your family planning.) People frequently ask me if I’m going to have another, but I am pretty sure I am going to, so it’s an easy question for me to answer.
When I read threads like this, I tend to find that I don’t mind hearing the questions that really irk others–but I realize that it’s because my true answers happen to be the ones that are most likely to satisfy the busybodies. In other words, after I was married, I did want children. And I want 2 children. So I almost never have anybody trying to convince me to do anything else, because 2 children seems to be an acceptable number for most people.
Good question. The “lesser” annoyance is the phrasing of the initial question. Asking it the way you phrased would not bug me…it doesn’t “presume” that the default choice is to have more kids. FWIW, I did have a co worker phrase it in a similar way…and it did not bother me.
The much “greater” annoyance is the assumption that a kid HAS to have siblings in order to have a happy/fulfilling life. The custodian said as much.
I had people asking me about kids when I announced I was ENGAGED. Um…hello, we’re not even married yet, and I have a degree to finish and NO we’re not going to have kids RIGHT NOW just to make YOU happy!!!
Though it would have been damn cool to add another great- onto my great-grandmother. Maybe if she hangs on a few more years, and I meet somebody with a somewhat normal family, I’ll get to.
Beagledave, I recommend that next time someone says “You wouldn’t want her to grow up alone,” you say something like, “You’re right; I wouldn’t want her to be able to have better, more exclusive daycare, take karate and saxophone lessons, and avoid getting rickets because her large family size forced us to subsist on nothing but macaroni for a month. I don’t want her to have a decent, reliable car when she turns 16! I don’t want her wearing a nice dress to the prom, and I sure as hell don’t want her to have a college fund twice as large as the one she’d have if she had a sibling or two! Nosirree, I see the light now! Thank you!”
Granted, for all I know you could be LOADED, and I’m certainly not saying that having more than one kid is fiscally unsound for anyone. I’m just sayin’ that if I were you, I’d have to have some smarmy answer like that at the ready.
Cessandra, if I were YOU, on the other hand, I’d just meet the dirty stares right back and say, “Dude, I can’t help it–have you SEEN my husband/SO’s penis? It’s irresistable, I tell you!”
Failing that, I’d just rub it in their faces that you get to be the “young-hot-sexy mom” at your school’s Parent Day (which also means that you still have the stamina to keep up with four kids, AND their little friends who come over for Kool Aid).
My sister was home and I was still living at home over the holidays last year. So we went out to eat. I’m 21, my older sister is 22, and my younger sister was almost 12.
A random guy in the restaurant says to my mom, “Wow, that’s quite a range you’ve got there.”
First, how the hell are you supposed to respond to that if you didn’t think it was none of his business, and second, in what world would that be any of his business?
“Wow, that’s quite the pea-sized brain you’ve got there, fucknugget.”
I don’t know. While I will admit that four is not on the extremely excessive side, it is still a fact that the number of children you choose to have does affect me. For example, there is a limited amount of fresh water available in the world. The more people that exist, the less there is per person. This holds true for all fixed resources (oil, air, space, sewage disposal, etc.). It seems to me I should have some input in how much these common resources are split up. Yes, I realize this is almost certainly a minority belief.
OTOH, I can’t image how someone could believe your lack of children is having a negative affect on them unless they are willing to concede that the social security system is a Ponzi scheme and we need more patsies to ensure they will receive social security ;).
Well I grew up ‘alone’ as well. Didn’t really bother me either way.
But, when I tell people I’m an only child I quite often get a response along the lines of ‘Ah, that explains it then’. Eh ? What the fuck is that supposed to mean exactly.
In regards to the OP, no one has any real right to comment on your family present or future, unfortunatly it’s one of the things that people feel compelled to do. I often ask if couples are planning to have (more) children but I try and always ask it politely and only to people I know well. I ask 'cos I have no interest in children myself (dunno why) and I’m interested in other peoples motives. Since I’m a man I get less heat for that opinion than I’ve seen/heard women get.
SD
Who really doesn’t think he’s gonna change his mind when he’s older, I’m already older and it hasn’t happened yet.
We need to know the following: Do you use gray water sources when you flush…or are you wasting filtered municipal water? You sure as hell beter not flush after urination…save the flushes for defecation.
Please let us know what means of transportation you use…and we will decide if it’s appropriate for Mother Earth.
Please make sure to submit your meal plans for the upcoming week and we will decide it your foodstuffs use more resources than you deserve.
I agree completely with both the OP’s main point and several follow-on points made by other posters.
It’s no one’s business how many kids you have, or even IF you have kids at all.
I have two kids, but one was born 12 years after the first one. So essentially (from what I’ve read) I had two “onlies”. Both kids are super, well-adjusted, happy kids.
Well not completely true, one is a super, happy, well-adjusted adult who is married and has a career, home and life of her own. The second one is halfway grown but is still a good kid.
Personally, I think having just one kid IS better. It’s less stressful, you have more time and resources to give just one kid. It just seemed more fun and rewarding to me. But that was just my experience. Other people with more time, patience and resources may feel quite differently.
I grew up with only one sibling, but surrounded by a ton of cousins. Being a happy, well-adjusted adult has little or nothing to do with how many siblings or relatives a kid grows up with.
As to Culture’s assertion that (to simplify) “more kids means less fresh water for everyone”
Umm,… ???..
That’s such a vast oversimplification of that whole subject, I can’t even imagine it being in this conversation (perplexed, not snotty statement here). There is so much more to environmental/ecological issues than how many kids a family decides to have.
