“You gonna eat that?”
“Here, could you hang on to this for a sec? I’ve gotta go put some change in the meter.”
“Whaddya say we give him some implants, while were here?”
“Well I’ll be dipped. Men *don’t have one less rib. Sorry guys, I’m outta here. Everything I believe is wrong.”
“Heyyyyy…is that Mike Wallace standing outside the door?”
“Awwww, you sank my battleship!”
“Sqeeeeeeeeal like a piggy!”
“Y’all wanna see my Jerry Lewis impression?”
“Oh, yeah… deal me in.”
“Heh-heh Betty, you know I can’t concentrate when the blood rushes from my head like that.”
“Did I ever tell you guys about the Grenada Invasion, back when I was in school?”
“What is WITH this guy??? He keeps snickering…”
“Say…who’s the dude in the shroud with the scythe?”
“No, no, no, you were supposed to take the replacement vein out of his LEG . . .”
Dr. Watson
“Physician, n. One upon whom we set out hopes when ill and our dogs when well.”
– Ambrose Bierce
“Come here, Billy, Daddy wants to show you something really cool!”
“Hey, isn’t a little buzzer supposed to go off when I touch the side?”
“Hey everyone, say hi to Sparky. He’s my seeing-eye dog.”
“The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his ribcage.” --anonymous redhead
“Gee, i wonder what would happen if we re-routed a few arteries here and there?”
“Nurse, get me the bone shears, i want a little trophy!”
“Do you think he would mind if we took a few organs?”
“Boy, I never thought blood could shoot that far!”
“Nurse, what is that organ that pumps blood or whatever called again?”
“I told you to get the gas welder, NOT the arc welder!”
It’s worth the risk of burning, to have a second chance…
“Mommy!!!”
“I’m Dr. Frankenstein. I’ll be performing your surgery today.”
“Hey, why don’t we listen to Metallica today for a change?”
“Look, mom! No hands!”
“Hey, leave some of the intestines for me! I’m hungry, too.”
“Aw hell, let’s just bypass the heart altogether.”
Aw, shit. This is the right side & the book only shows the left side. Now what do I do?
Dr. Smith: Dr. Jones, did I ever tell you that you have a fabulous career ahead of you? Selling fries with the burgers is noble work. Your hands are well suited to it.
Sue from El Paso
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
“Hey everyone, want to see what the Aliens did to me on their spaceship?”
“All right, how much time in between the contractions?”
Nurse: “Umm…Doctor?”
Doctor: “Hey. When you gotta go, you gotta go.”
::Buuuuurp:: Oh, Lord… I shouldn’t have eaten that chili for lunch…
Ooops…no, no, don’t worry about it, it’s not like the floor’s dirty, right?
Um…what did I just step in?
…After all, this isn’t brain surgery, is it?
No gloves left? Oh, well, I’ll just use the same ones from that bowel resection earlier.
::Hiccup::
I was sure I was wearing a watch when I came in…
Scalpel, scalpel…which one’s the scalpel again?
Eschew Obfuscation
*Is it always supposed to be this red in here?
*I wonder if these arteries work like bungee cords?
*Dang, the only medical reference book we have in here is printed in old english.
*Oh well, close enough.
*You got your degree from the Puerto Rico Mail-in Medical Academy also?
*Anyone else want to perform this surgery naked?
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“Ladies and Gentlemen, you will be the first lucky souls to witness the new anal-entry heart bypass.”
Coldfire
"You know how complex women are"
“Wow…I’m feeling really dizzy…”
“Betty! Good God, woman, restrain yoursel…ooh. Never mind. Everybody, take five.”
“Wow, this is some fucked up shit Johnson brought. Anybody else seeing pink elephants?”
“You know, I went to a circus camp back in sixth grade. Hmm…I wonder if I can still juggle?”
“You put the left one in, you take the left one out, you put the left…”
“Wow, he’s got three?!”
“What the fuck?!”
“Wheeeee!!”
“No, I want to cut first! Give me back the scapel!”
“Come on, people, hurry up! Johnson’s got one of these in room three, and I’ve got a bet!”
“Spread the ribs. Let go. Spread the ribs. Let go. See? It looks like he’s talking!”
“Sure I know how do do a bypass - I worked 30 years at D.O.T.”
“Today I begin my psychic surgery career!”
“Check it out! If I take the left ventricle and attach it directly to his willie, we can do this surgery without a heart monitor!”
“Geez, it’s cold in here. C’mon - the sooner we get him cut open, the sooner I can get my hands warm.”
“Dr. Jones, it’s just so thoughtful of you to let your son do his science project here…”
The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. – E. Grebenik
Hey Wally
I think we are all looking forward to hearing who the winner (or winners) are.
As a serious post, I hope the family is handling things well. It is not a fun time, but it doesn’t need to be a wake.
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You know, it just ocurred to me that we’re making all these jokes on behalf of a heart patient. Perhaps we should make an effort to make them less funny, we don’t want the ol’ ticker to detonate or anything.
An infinite number of rednecks in an infinite number of pickup trucks shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs will eventually produce all the world’s great works of literature in Braille.
Wooee! No one told me it would smell like this!
Oh yeah! That’s it! That’s the spot! Oh baby!..
Ohmygod! Something MOVED!
Tell me I’m not a real doctor, will they?
Hey, he’s got a pretty nice ass, what say we keep him under just a little bit longer?
I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail.