It actually is a pretty big deal, especially from a parent’s point of view. This isn’t because the cuts themselves are dangerous – though they may be – but because that kind of behavior is indicative of certain psychological issues. Your mother had no right to go through your things, but she had every right to be upset because she found razors. Your mother doesn’t sound like the most well-adjusted person or the best parent, and you should probably get the hell away from her.
But be careful out there.
I might gently suggest that you make an effort to seek out a therapist. We all have some baggage in our lives, but some more than others. You, my friend, appear to be carrying a damn airplane on your back.
With sympathy,
Varlos
Now that I have transformed myself from an ineffectual buffoon to an ineffectual buffoon who is ALSO The Great Satan who puts hidden cameras in my daughter’s locker and drug-sniffing dogs in her bedroom AND proxy for every Bad Parent any of you have ever known, maybe a Real Life Situation might clarify things. The quotes are direct quotes of the participants, or as close as I can get at this late date. But I am damned good at remembering exactly what people say.
I use my browser’s history because I typically go to the same sites and it’s faster than using “Favorites.” One evening I look and see that somebody has been going to sites with names like “pornography.com” and “lesbian.com.” The sort of names one might type in if she were on a fishing expedition, but I could follow the shaded clicks fairly deeply into one of the more serious (in a “how to live life as a lesbian” way) lesbian sites. I let it sit for a few days, then speak to my wife.
Me: Has Daughter told you anything she hasn’t told me?
Wife: She probably just wants to know how the “do it.” (she calls upstairs) Daughter, your father wants to know if you are going to need some expensive psychological counselling.
Me: :rolleyes
Daughter: No, the good sites all require a credit card.
Does that sound like a family with lousy communication? Do I sound like a monster? Do I sound like anything worse than an old fuddy-duddy whose greatest disappointment is that his children are not furtive ENOUGH to know how to cover their tracks? And is it bad that my daughter doesn’t feel a need to cover her tracks for fear of what Dad will do?
Come on, people. Hypergirl’s mother may be nuts, but it is her job to care about her daughter. And if she’s as clueless about Hyper’s cutting as you folks say, then why the stink about the razors and glass? Us parents are rarely as dumb as you think we are, and choose to ignore things that aren’t so bad. Unfortunately, cutting IS that bad and it IS indicative of a serious mental problem and all of you cutters SHOULD stop writing it off as something teens do. And, yeah, we did do stuff when we were your age that is UNDOUBTEDLY worse than what you do. That’s why we know where to look and what to look for.
Try looking at life realistically rather than through that tired “poor, persecuted teen” attitude that we ALL went through. If nosing around your diary is the worst thing your parents ever do to you, then God bless you for having a fairly good and NORMAL childhood.
Yes, because I am going to choose my “battle” and concentrate on getting my child into therapy, since I know that it doesn’t matter what is in my child’s room; what matters is what is in my child’s mind. As hypergirl pointed out, if the impulse to cut is there, removing the implements will just make the person more creative. If the therapy is effective, it won’t matter what the child has in her room, and she will probably throw the stuff away. That may even be an important step in the therapy.
In addition, taking away the glass and razors is a controlling behavior.
**
I agree with this. I just believe that reading a private journal and taking things from a teenagers room - even cutting implements - is going to reduce the parent’s ability to help the child, not increase it.
And Falcon, if, after ten years of therapy, you still carry as much anger towards your parents, and yourself, as you have shown here, perhaps you are seeing the wrong therapist. You have apparently stopped being a patient to him and have become a steady source of income. You’ve put his kids through college; he’s been able to buy that nice boat he always wanted. It’s time to stop being a profit center and become a human being with problems she needs to work out.
Oh, BRAVO, Drop. Jeeze, you take asshole lessions or something? Falcon had clearly stated that she has been in and out of therapy for ten years, trying despertly to deal with something very personal and difficult for her, and all you can do is denegrade her efforts?? What kind of sick F**k are you? What’s you’re suggestion, she lock herself in a room and take drugs all day? I personally commed any poster who makes the effort to help another by sharing what must be a very personal and painful expierence, and am saddend that they have to deal with sanctimonius hemeroids like you when they do so.
Zyada, you and I will have to agree to disagree. I would remove the dangerous items right away and then keep a close watch until well into therapy. Would it force the cutter to be more “creative?” You bet. Would I still be keeping tabs? Of course, because I’d be terrified of losing my child.
I wouldn’t be simply acting as a jailor, though. There would be talking, hugs, and every type of comfort, care and support that I could provide.
Also, it seems that Hypergirl isn’t in therapy right now. Would that change your viewpoint?
Hypergirl,
Here is one of the many links I found that deals with alot of the stuff you’re going through. Please take a moment and look through it.
As do I, but the point of therapy is to get better and learn to deal with those issues. She has been in therapy 40% of her life and it doesn’t seem to have done a lot of good. So I suggested she get a new (better) therapist. I want to see her happy. I’m not sure her present therapist does.
My grandma read my mom s diary when mom was a teenager.
When she found out, she burned the book and never wrote down her thoughts again. The only good thing about it is that she would never ever read mine.
If somebody doesnt tell you you can read it, dont read it.
That s that.
Also it is a big diffrence if somebody you know reads it or someboddy you dont know… sounds strange - yes. I am refering to online diaries. I have an anonymous online diary . Hundereds of people have read it so far, but it doesnt have any names in it, so it should be quite difficult to tell who the writer is.
If friends of mine searched for it and read through it without asking me first I d be quite pissed off and certainly change my domain.
(I can tell they dont - there is stuff in there they wouldnt keep quiet about if they knew)
babling babling babling
excuse the randomness
dodgy
I knew someone might read my journal; but I wrote it in a code that no one would know but me.
“Why should you do it to children just
because they’re not 18?”
One day the cops came to the house. The 12 year old boy ran down to his room, brought out his special tin box from his secret hiding place & said to the cops ‘Look, what my mother gave me! some pot!!!’ His father gave him the pot in the hope he would do this so his father could get custody.
The cop said, ‘no, its not pot its tobacco’
You know why? Because we went into the kids room, looked around, found his pot joint stash & changed it to a tobacco
joint.
I’m really happy we invaded his privacy otherwise his mother would be in jail. Really did happen too.
Well, technically Hypergirl, I, and some of our friends are under this little “forced therapy” thing that the guidance counselors came up with when another friend was found to be cutting. I don’t cut, I never have, and I never will, and they still ask my friends if there’s anything wrong with me when I feel, out of all of us, I may be the one who’s not physically abusing herself. Sometimes the way adults handle things just make it worse.
That said, let me say that almost every woman goes through difficult times with her mother. Mine started at puberty and lasted well past it. She was the only person I know that could irritate me by breathing. We could push each others buttons and frequently did, and had some nasty fights as a result. When she moved to another state and then I moved even farther away, strangely we started having the best relationship we ever had.
She died in Feb of this year and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her something fierce. I’d give anything to have her back annoying the hell out of me.
Hypergirl, most likely your mother does what she does because she loves you. This may not help you now, but don’t ever say you hate her because I can almost guarantee you’d hate it more if she was gone.
My daughter is 14. When she entered middle school, I told her that I reserved the right to search her room if she gave me reason to. I have had reason to three times in 3 years. What did I find? Knives. That her “friends” had given her. I took them out and explained why I took them. Calmly. She was hopping mad when I called her friends parents, but she got over it and so did they. As I said in another thread, I would rather have my daughter mad at me for a little while than get the phone call from the police.
My daughter and I have a fairly decent relationship. She knows she can talk to me or Richard about anything, and she does. While it might pain me to listen to my 14 year old ask how to get rid of the hickey her on her neck, it also gladdens me that she’s comfortable enough to talk to me about it.
And for the record, she knows how old I was when I lost my virginity, she knows I smoked pot for many years and experimented with a few other things, she knows about the abortion I had and how horrible the experience was, she knows my best friend and I got busted for shop lifting when we were teenagers. If I want her to come clean with me and know that I do know what I’m talking about, I felt I had to come clean with her.
Do we fight? Oh, you betcha! She’s far too much like me with the same Irish/Italian heritage for us not to fight.
Read her journal? No way. I keep one myself. Still. I know how important those are. Fortunately, we have the kind of reationship that allows me just to ask if I’m worried.
BUT…
If things were different, and she DIDN’T come to us, I would search her room in a heartbeat if I suspected anything. I know what I got away with when I was a teenager, and what I didn’t. She’s my daughter, my responsibility both legally and morally, and she’s setting an example for her younger brother.
That should teach me to post before reading the whole thread. I don’t feel there is ever justification to hit a child…and I don’t mean a light swat on the tush by “hit”.
I also have to put myself in the camp that there is (almost never) a good reason to read someone else’s journal. That is one thing that I never worried about with my mother, no matter how much we conflicted. I could live my open journal on the coffee table and she wouldn’t read it. Though if I ever gave her cause to suspect that I was suicidal or into some major drugs (in otherwords, something that could kill me) she might have done so. I would have been angry, but would (years later) feel she was justified and in the right.
However, cutting, no matter how “minor” you see it, Hypergirl, IS a serious thing that should be addressed. If you can’t go to your parents, then please go to someone else.
I had, and still have, a very wonderful relationship with my mom. I could talk to her about anything from birth control to drugs. My mom was (and still is) one of my best friends, however, first and foremost she was my parent. Just because we were open and could talk about things didn’t mean I wouldn’t be punished if I chose to do them. She put parenting before friendship and I respect her for it.
I was able to talk to her about my experience with pot (got grounded from the car for as while), although I failed to tell her that me and my friend were smoking it almost daily. I also didn’t tell her about the nights we tripped on acid. I talked to her about birth control and what the best form would be when the time came, however, I never told her about the times I snuck out to spend the night with my boyfriend.
Even though I could talk to my mother about almost everything and even though I had close girlfriends that I could talk to about the things I couldn’t share with my mom, there were still some things that I couldn’t share with anyone. There were times that the only way to get through an emotional period was to write it down in my journal. I trusted that the things I wrote would not be read by anyone so I was really able to open up and get myself through a lot of rough periods. Had my mother or anyone else read my journal without permission, I would have destroyed the pages and never written another word. I would have lost a very dear “friend” to share my deepest thoughts.
My daughter and I also have a very close relationship. I know that there are things that I don’t know about her and I am sure there are a few things that I would not approve of if I knew. If I ever find out, her little butt will be grounded - that’s life. We are able to talk about many things and she knows she can come to me if she ever has a problem so that we can work through them. We are very close but I am still her mom and it is up to me to make boundries and rules and dole out the punishment if she crosses those lines. She is almost 17 years old and I am very proud of her. I think my method works.
She also keeps a journal. I would never think of reading anything without her permission and she knows this. She knows that when things get too rough to talk about to anyone else she has her pages in which to let everything out. There have been a few times that she has let me read a page or two and I have been so impressed with the way she is able to open her soul up with written words. Her poetry is amazing.
I would never dream of taking this away from her by betraying her privacy.
My mom read my diary once-when I was ten, and I left it out, OPEN on the bed, on my way to school. I had written that I spit on this kid I didn’t like. She went to close the book, not knowing what it was, read that sentence, and grounded me. Hehehe…
But my mom would NEVER search and READ my journal. Of course, I don’t keep one anymore, because I’m not a journal person. Oh well.
hyper-though, yes you ARE a cutter. I used to jab at my wrists with a nail file-it was dull, didn’t leave marks, etc etc…but it didn’t make a difference. It was still a sign of destructive behavior. But that doesn’t make right what your mom did. HOWEVER…
Don’t kid yourself, hon. ANY time you try to injure yourself, even if you just lightly scratch at the palm of your hand, (I did that too…), it’s still destructive and indicative that something is not right.
Hyper, parenting is a tough job. We need to lead you in the right direction, without being too forceful (lest we risk alienating you) or too lenient (lest you walk all over us). And as you get older, we need to protect you from your own mistakes.
Because once you get to be a teenager, you are exposed to a whole slew of things that can harm you. And an error in judgment can kill you. There are 5 kids in my niece’s sophomore class that were killed last year when one of them drove into a utility post. Another kid from my daughter’s school commmitted suicide at the ripe old age of 14 because his 13 year old girlfriend dumped him.
Obviously the fact that you have cut yourself before is a concern to your mom. I don’t blame her. Reading it made ME blanche. And then there’s your very obvious anger (“I fucking HATE my mom!”) at her. Clearly you two aren’t connecting. And the more you pull away from her, the more desperate she gets, because she doesn’t want to lose you.
It’s like any other relationship, Hyper. Desperate people do desperate things. She didn’t read your diary to piss you off. She did it because she loves you. Perhaps it wasn’t the wisest parental move. But parents aren’t perfect. They are human. They make mistakes just like you do. And an important part of growing up is recognizing her humanity and learning to forgive her. She’s doing the best she can.
Let me ask you this. If you were the parent in this situation and you found a razor or glass, what would you do? How would you handle you? Once you’ve come up with an answer, use that as a starting point for a conversation with your mom.
Good luck. And feel lucky you’re not my daughter, because this place would be verboten to you, young lady.
I am one of hypergirl’s good friends and I can second all that she has said. Her cutting was never that bad nor constant compared to mine. (I can go under the classification of “cutter” as it controls alot of my life, but thats a different story). Her parents spazz at her all the time, and it’s not fun. Telling parents about any past cutting can lead to more tension and arguments. My mom would use it in arguments with me if she knew the extent of it(it makes her look bad, so she says) and parents can use that with alot of guilt and stuff.
Jessica-honey is a really wonderful person, and has always been there for me. And at times, is actually a better person than me.
I’m going to hush now before I get attacked by other attackers on the thread.
P.S. Jess look, people do like you- your thread got about and most likely soon to be over 100 replies!! All my threads die:(
Hope you can block out some of life that is hell while still living of course. If I can’t leave, neither can you.
