I feel like I haven't arrived. Nobody's ever Pitted me.

The BBQ Pit
1

I feel like I haven’t “arrived.” The closest I’ve ever come to being Pitted was a half-assed attempt to make it seem that I approved of childhood teasing, which was both spectacularly weak and reaching.

Maybe it’s because most of my comments are on topics of which I have some previous knowledge. Maybe it’s because I’m willing to admit what I don’t know, and I’m also willing to learn from my mistakes.

All I know is, I need to be taken down a peg or two.

Can I count on you people to Pit me? As one Doper to another?

2

Fuck that, I’ve never been pitted, and I think that’s a good thing.

I wear it like a badge of honor.

3

Fuck off and die. Who are you to demand a Pitting?

Oh, wait…

:smiley:

4

Get in line, Bub. I’m in front of you, and so are furt and norinew.

If you want your pit expedited, you can open up a half-dozen threads in great debates citing pseudoscientific websites with crackpot theorists and cranks positing thinly veiled and/or nakedly racist and antisemitic diatribes or otherwise be so annoying that you are moved to the front of the line. However, if you continue being the basically well-mannered person you’ve been, just wait in line with the rest of us.

5

It’s been over 4 years now and still no Pitting. And I’m a mean, nasty bitch too.

6

”Hold it everyone!

Let’s all stop the whole fight against ignorance for a while, and stroke this one person’s ego!

Never mind the unwashed masses that think three words end with gry.

Forget about evolution, or the Moon landing.

We need to make sure that our new friend feels welcomed to the Pit.

Let’s all just abandon the central purpose of the Straight Dope itself, and rerun the entire Goat Felcher’s Creed for the benefit of this poor needy voice crying out from the electronic wilderness.

Get the fuck over yourself, you lame ass wannabe camel masturbating excuse for a circle jerking attention whore.

Happy yet?

Tris

7

Nope, me neither. I guess that’s the down side of trying to be fair, open-minded, objective, and not step on other people’s toes too egregiously. It’s a funny world where people who try to contribute positively and bring something to the table are the ones who feel like no one notices or appreciates them. Oh well - nails sticking up and all that.

8

I mean, really – what’s up with not being a jerk?

I pit you for not trying hard enough to overcome your inherent nice-ness.

Come on – how hard can it be to throw out an insensitive remark, a poorly-thought-out argument, a racist epithet?

Maybe it’s a perceptual problem. You’re never going to fit in here if you can see both sides of an issue, or if you abhor ad hominem arguements.

So I also pit you for an utter inability to jump to conclusions and assume the worst about people.

Try this: next time some liberal doper posts an arguement, try to think of them as a stoned Yippie with a tie-dyed ‘Bomb The Bourgeoisie’ tank top. Then, when they’re railed at by a conservative doper, picture a Yuppie ex-Marine in a pinstriped suit with a BMW SUV full of money stolen from the workers in his sweatshop.

Then start a post with “Well, that’s a typical comment by someone like you, who will never understand…”

Oh, and I should also pit you for wanting to be pitted. What makes you more deserving than me?

9

When I do get pitted, I hope it’s done properly, by a master pitter, like Diogenes. I don’t want to be “damned by a mild pitting!”

10

I thought you basically pitted yourself with the whining over references you didn’t get?

11

Or by Wang Ka or Ilsa.

12

Damn, I join the club - no-one’s ever pitted me either.

The secret seems to be to choose some ethnic, religious or national group, or sexual orientation or gender, or political persuasion, and quite gratutiously and ignorantly insult them. I haven’t done this yet, probably for lack of trying, and thus I have earned my obscurity.

In order to make up for this deficiency, I choose to gratutitously insult Texans. Why? Because I am far from Texas, so no Texan is likely to hunt me down and hurt me. :wink:

"When I think of Texas, I think of a grossly obese, sweaty, red-faced guy with wattles, wearing a cowboy hat. He drives an enormous pick-up truck with cow horns tied to the grille, shoving a 56 ounce T-Bone steak into his insatiable maw - cooked by obsequious Mexican illegal immigrants crouching by a charcoal barbegue in the back of the truck.

This man is on his way to a televised prayer meeting, where he will be told by a preacher with more oil in his hair than exists in Saudi Arabia’s desert sands that Jesus wants him to make money selling dried third-world children as novelty paperweights.

While finishing his meal - washed down with gallons of Dr. Pepper and Burbon - he deliberately swerves to run over some welfare moms and cute kittens. Then to top it off he wipes his greasy lips with the American flag, farts loudy, and pointlessly shoots into the air with a pair of pearl-handled six-guns.

These guns, of course, are in a Freudian manner his penis. His real organ, like that of all true Texans, is tiny and shrivelled - of hardly any use, even for raping blow-up dolls depicting ethnic minorities. To make up for this deficiency, our Texan pads his pants with a plastic model nuclear warhead.

[I mean, isn’t that what *everyone* thinks when they think of Texas? ]"

There - surely that ought to earn some quite merited abuse! :smiley:

13

You left out that they fuck their cousins. :slight_smile:

14

I’m saving that detail for when I gratuitously insult Virginians. :wink:

15

All:

Not exactly what I was looking for, but I certainly appreciate the half-hearted attempts that have been made thus far.

Maybe someone should start a “I’ll Pit You for Money” service. :slight_smile:

But hey, so I can return the favor, I’ll do the same for all of you:

WorldEater: Would it hurt you to miss a goddamn meal once in awhile? Jesus Mary and Joseph, I’ve seen sport-utility vehicles with smaller turning ratios. It’s a miracle the state hasn’t required you to put safety mirrors on the side of your ass.

htns: Let’s talk about your breath for a minute. I’m sick of you flapping your jaws, and letting your stank waft to every other corner of the World Wide Web. The only people who are safe from your online stinkiness are people using dial-up, and they’ll be smelling you in 15-20 minutes when the page loads. Enough already.

skutir: Fucking judgmental prick. Opinions are like assholes – everybody has one, and they all get reamed out by the Giant Cock of Truth. When you’re tired of fellating the Evil Goat of Pretentiousness, come back and let us all know.

Biggirl: Another in a long line of those who need Emergency Cranial Rectal-ectomy. Your posts have the intelligence requirements of a retard at the Fun Dip factory. And let’s not forget your talent for rubbing people the wrong way – which, in your case, happens every time you open your mouth. Stick your keyboard in your mouth and swallow, if you can remove the syphillis-infected dick of your john first – you’ll be doing us all a big favor.

Triskadecamus: Calling you a goat-fucker would be a compliment to actual goat fuckers, who kicked you out of their fraternity a long time ago. Fortunately, I just spoke with the Chairman of the Get The Fuck Up Off the Computer and Go Outside For a Change For Chrissakes committee, and he just approved your membership. That means you no longer have to make friends on message boards – you can actually make a real one, outside! That is, assuming your Irritable Bowel Syndrome doesn’t prevent you from dumping a stinky dook the first time you utter a word to a member of the opposite sex. You sexless cock jockey.

featherlou: Listen, marker-sniffer, the last thing I need is a positive-stroke from you. Your mother just called from under my desk. She wants you to make your own goddamn macaroni-and-cheese while she swallows my meat thermometer. You turd-burgling, maladjusted nitwit fucktard.

digs: Nice try, ass goblin. The flesh was apparently willing, but the Pitting was weak. The next time you decide to stick your head up out of the chocolate starfish, make sure you can Pit people with the best of them. There’s really nothing I can say to you that would make your disasterous life any worse. I recommend you start huffing gas and lighting cigarettes immediately, you fucking soon-to-be-a-cautionary-example.

Grey: There aren’t enough adjectives in my vocabulary to explain how much everyone you know hates you. That includes your father, who told me he’d rather fist a French prostitute with a handful of barbed wire and fuck a bucket of hot chili than see you succeed in life. If I had only one thing to say to you, it would be this: Seek out the possibility of having a post-birth abortion performed on yourself. Things aren’t really going to get better from here for you, what with the carnival freak-show face and the Corky from “Life Goes On” intellect.

Anyway, let me know if anyone else wants one. :smiley:

16

Ah gotcha, we can’t leave them out. :smiley:

17

/me quickly conceals his driver’s license and voter registration card, hoping no one noticed “COMMONWEALTH OF VIRGINIA” written allll over them.

:smiley:

18

I’ve been pitted, but only in a very weak, lame manner.

Oh, well…
One could always pit oneself, and then blindly hope that the rest of us will pile on…

Bad luck!

19

Awww, poop. I’m a recovering nice guy, so I guess trying to be an asshole is part of my de-niceification training.

Okay, an undeserved pitting … uhhh …

IChastain86 is … uhhh, RACIST! It’s all too obvious in this post. If you have to ask what it was about the post that’s racist, then you’re ignorant to boot. Then again, all racists are ignorant.

How’s that?

20

I had Libertarian pit me once. Quite an honor, actually. It was a misunderstanding, but still, I felt like I was pitted by one of the greats.