I Finally Saw "Airplane". It looks like a big Tylenol!

My favorite quotes:

Hanging Lady: Nervous?
Ted Striker: Yes.
Hanging Lady: First time?
Ted Striker: No, I’ve been nervous lots of times.

Man in Taxi: [looking at his watch] Well, I’ll give him another twenty minutes, but that’s it.


Ted Striker: It’s Lieutenant Hurwitz. Severe shell-shock. Thinks he’s Ethel Merman.
Lieutenant Hurwitz: [singing] You’ll be swell, you’ll be great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Startin’ here, startin’ now. Honey, everything’s comin’ up roses…
Ted Striker: War is hell.

Favorite quotes?

“Surely you can’t be serious.”

“I am serious and don’t call me Shirley.”

“Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue”

Airplane! tops my list of funniest movies of all time. Every line in that whole movie is a funny quote. Some of my favorites:[ul][li](Ted Striker) I’ve got to concentrate… concentrate… concentrate… I’ve got to concentrate… concentrate… concentrate… Hello?.. hello… hello… Echo… echo… echo… Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon… Manny Mota… Mota… Mota[/li]
[li](Elaine Dickinson) There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane? [/li]
[li](Rex Kramer) Do you know what it’s like to fall in the mud and get kicked… in the head… with an iron boot? Of course you don’t, no one does. It never happens. It’s a dumb question… skip it. [/li]
(Ted Striker) It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It’s worse than Detroit.[/ul]

The Jive Dudes crack me up every time:

“Hey, you know what they say… See a broad, to get that booty yak 'em.
Leg 'er down 'n smack 'em yak 'em…
*Cold * got to be!”

“Can you come to the cockpit?”
“What’s that?”
“It’s the little room up front where the pilots fly the plane, but that’s not important right now.”

Little boy: coffee?
Little girl: Yes thank you.
Little boy: Cream?
Little girl: No I take my coffee black, like my men.

When can we land?
I can’t tell you.
You can tell me I’m a doctor

Reading headlines (paraphrased):
“Jumbo Jet Doomed!”
“Airline Held Responsible!”
“There’s a sale at Penny’s!”

Johnny cracks me up in general. “Why, I can make a hat, or a brooch, or a pteradactyl!”

And the classic, “Oh, stewardess? I speak Jive.”

“D’ya ever watch gladiator movies, Joey?”

And the “drinking problem” thing . . . I use that whenever I accidentally dribble down my front. Not that that . . . happens . . . uh . . . often . . .

Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

The entire “Macho Grande” conversation.
“Over Macho Grande?”
“No. I don’t think I’ll ever be over Macho Grande. Those wounds run pretty deep”

“Maybe we should turn on the searchlights now”
“No. That’s just what they’ll be expecting us to do”

You do realize that that actually was Ethel Merman, don’t you?

My favorite part is the continuation.

Not for another two hours.
You can’t tell me for another two hours?

Floyd: are you familiar with Zero Hour!?


The visual jokes are the best. My favorites:

A flashing sign on the airplane that says “Don’t Panic”, and then changed to “OK, Panic.”

A nun reading “Boy’s Life” magazine, and next to her, a boy reading “Nun’s Life” magazine.

When a doctor at the Mayo clinic tells Captain Oveur about the girl on his flight who’s getting a transplant, and he says “I’ve got a heart for her right here.” And on the desk os a beating human heart which begins to jump around like a frog at every beat.

Ted: My squadron is shipping out tomorrow. We’ll be attacking the fuelling station at Daquiri at 1800 hours. We’ll be coming in from the North, under their radar.
Elaine: But when will you be back?
Ted: I can’t tell you that; it’s classified.

“The shit’s gonna hit the fan now!”

:: SPLAT! ::

And did you notice what was on the bookshelf behind him? Jars of mayo!

Rick and Interface 2X
Your quotes are a little inaccurate and take away from the hilarity of those lines. It goes like this:
DOCTOR: How soon can we land?
PILOT: I can’t tell.
DOCTOR: You can tell me. I’m a doctor.
PILOT: No. I mean I’m just not sure.
DOCTOR: Well, can’t you take a guess?
PILOT: Not for another two hours.
DOCTOR: You mean you can’t take a guess for another two hours?

And HPL the Macho Grande routine is from Airplane II.

Here’s the IMDB page for Airplane quotes:

And remember how he switched lines when the operator broke in? (A Mr. Ham is waiting for you on line 5) “I’ll take Ham on five, hold the Mayo”.