I know that I’m probably gonna regret doing this, because I know how the reactions are to threads like these and part of me hates exposing myself like this…but damn the results I wanna talk.
I guess to start off I should say that she and I never saw eye-to-eye on what we want in a significant other. She was very very hands on, touchy feely, and needed constant attention; whereas I am the total opposite. I am very much against PDA and always have been, I hate and very much disagree with kissing in public and even hand holding is a bit superfluous to me.
I should also point out that I am not a jealous boyfriend at all. Ever. I will let you go out and do whatever and with whomever…because you’re mine; I know that, you know that, and whoever we are with knows that. That being said we would go out with groups of friends and other guys would be all over her, and she all over them. There isn’t a guy in this world who has met her that didn’t instantly fall in love with her (well…aside from me I guess…). I was never too thrilled with it, but never cared too terribly because she always ended up with me, and it gave her the constant touching she needed.
After a little over a year I noticed that she was paying more attention to another guy than me. At this point I was having real second thoughts about us anyway and decided it would be best for us to break up. This was problematic too because she was really really into me, borderline obsessive. I had the choice whether to break her heart and be there for her, or abondon her completely. In the end I decided to be there because I was abandoned (and I mean ab-an-doned) and I didn’t want to do that to he.
We broke up but stayed close and eventually got back together because I was having a hard time being without her and the problems we had with each other we wanted to work on. Now we’re onto the problem.
Like every other guy who ever met her one of her friends (let’s go with Matt even though it’s not his name) was trying to break us up because he knew I wasn’t what she wanted and he wanted her all for himself. She eventually went out with him supposedly to be nice because he was having problems too.
While on their date he insisted on driving, paying for everything and did everything I supposedly wouldn’t do. It eventually came to a point in the night where he went to kiss her and she denied him…then later straight up asked “do you want me to kiss you”, she said yes…and then later on that night he finally succeeded and kissed her. She pushed him off and they ended the night there.
While it’s not a one-nighter, or anything more than a kiss I can’t get over the fact that she agreed to it while still with me and it happened. We have since broken up…but I just don’t know how I feel.
I am really hurt by it because she betrayed the solid trust I gave in her…but I just don’t feel that particularly mad about it. She’s (literally) the only friend I have and I don’t want to be alone again (like last time…) and I almost try to be more mad at her than I am…but I just don’t seem to be. She called me yesterday absolutely bawling for what she did, for hurting me, she feels horrible and doesn’t know what to do…and that whole conversation just broke my heart.
I don’t know what to do…why aren’t I mad? Why do I feel it’s my fault? If I was a better boyfriend to her she wouldn’t have strayed you know? So what do I do? Why do I feel hurt yet can’t bring myself to be mad at her? I don’t know what to feel…can someone please tell me how to feel?