I found out my ex cheated on me...and I don't know how I feel (sorry a bit long)

I know that I’m probably gonna regret doing this, because I know how the reactions are to threads like these and part of me hates exposing myself like this…but damn the results I wanna talk.

I guess to start off I should say that she and I never saw eye-to-eye on what we want in a significant other. She was very very hands on, touchy feely, and needed constant attention; whereas I am the total opposite. I am very much against PDA and always have been, I hate and very much disagree with kissing in public and even hand holding is a bit superfluous to me.

I should also point out that I am not a jealous boyfriend at all. Ever. I will let you go out and do whatever and with whomever…because you’re mine; I know that, you know that, and whoever we are with knows that. That being said we would go out with groups of friends and other guys would be all over her, and she all over them. There isn’t a guy in this world who has met her that didn’t instantly fall in love with her (well…aside from me I guess…). I was never too thrilled with it, but never cared too terribly because she always ended up with me, and it gave her the constant touching she needed.

After a little over a year I noticed that she was paying more attention to another guy than me. At this point I was having real second thoughts about us anyway and decided it would be best for us to break up. This was problematic too because she was really really into me, borderline obsessive. I had the choice whether to break her heart and be there for her, or abondon her completely. In the end I decided to be there because I was abandoned (and I mean ab-an-doned) and I didn’t want to do that to he.

We broke up but stayed close and eventually got back together because I was having a hard time being without her and the problems we had with each other we wanted to work on. Now we’re onto the problem.

Like every other guy who ever met her one of her friends (let’s go with Matt even though it’s not his name) was trying to break us up because he knew I wasn’t what she wanted and he wanted her all for himself. She eventually went out with him supposedly to be nice because he was having problems too.

While on their date he insisted on driving, paying for everything and did everything I supposedly wouldn’t do. It eventually came to a point in the night where he went to kiss her and she denied him…then later straight up asked “do you want me to kiss you”, she said yes…and then later on that night he finally succeeded and kissed her. She pushed him off and they ended the night there.

While it’s not a one-nighter, or anything more than a kiss I can’t get over the fact that she agreed to it while still with me and it happened. We have since broken up…but I just don’t know how I feel.

I am really hurt by it because she betrayed the solid trust I gave in her…but I just don’t feel that particularly mad about it. She’s (literally) the only friend I have and I don’t want to be alone again (like last time…) and I almost try to be more mad at her than I am…but I just don’t seem to be. She called me yesterday absolutely bawling for what she did, for hurting me, she feels horrible and doesn’t know what to do…and that whole conversation just broke my heart.

I don’t know what to do…why aren’t I mad? Why do I feel it’s my fault? If I was a better boyfriend to her she wouldn’t have strayed you know? So what do I do? Why do I feel hurt yet can’t bring myself to be mad at her? I don’t know what to feel…can someone please tell me how to feel?

Thanks…

If we told you how to feel, you would not be true to yourself. What you need to do is seek counseling to help identify your feelings and how they relate to your previous abandonment. It also may explain other things that created a rift between the two of you. There may be alot more info that’s missing here that’s relevant to your situation.

Good Luck.

Edited:
Five Love Languages…let’s assume that your Ex is in the "Physical Touch"Category…where would you place yourself?

It doesn’t sound like this is a very healthy friendship.

So let’s get this straight - you just found out that an ex you treated poorly when you were with her once kissed another guy because he gave her the kind of attention that she wasn’t getting from you?

You don’t need anyone to tell you how to feel, you just need to move on, dude.

I too found out an ex cheated on me after we broke up. It was more than a kiss though. At first it stung, but now it just helps me remember why we were not a good match. I also advise you to just move on and forget her.

Frankly, this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship, with or without the romantic ties. That you got back together because you couldn’t stand to be without her and she was obsessive, you’re just asking for problems. My advice would be to get some counseling and try to move on with your life, without her.

As for not being made, well, I had found out after breaking up with someone that she had cheated on me and I wasn’t really upset at all. If I were to take a stab at why, it was that I’d already grieved the relationship and didn’t have the attachment to her anymore such that, even though I’d trusted her at the time, it didn’t feel like a violation of trust then because that trust wasn’t there anymore.

However, I don’t buy that you’re not affected by it. You say you’re really hurt and you blame yourself for it. It’s kind of hard to be mad at her when it’s your fault and not hers. Either way, it seems to me that it stems from a very unhealthy relationship with a very skewed perspective, so I’ll reiterate finding someone to talk to about it.

She sounds like a girl I was friends with from age maybe 13-20. Even when she had a boyfriend, she was all over any other male in the vicinity like a cheap suit. Besides that, she alwas had to either be talking to someone, at someone’s house, out with someone etc. In every activity she had to be the center of attention, the best at everything, and blah blah blah.

I’m also a reserved, non-touchy-feely person and it used to drive me bonkers. After the friendship ended, I had to admit that I wished I’d had the guts to end it earlier. I was sad at first but honestly, when the dust settled, all I felt was relief. I knew I had the right to be mad and weepy and everything but really all I could think was “Yay! I can sit and play Dragonrealms without her bugging me now!” It was almost as if all the years of resentment and low-grade annoyance had used up all the energy I’d have used on big dramatic emotions and there was nothing left at the end.

I think you knew on some level that you and she are just too different, and that it wasn’t going to last. I don’t know how you could have been a “better” boyfriend. She knows you and your personality, and that some things she wants you just aren’t going to give her.

I can’t tell you how to feel, but IMHO it’s perfectly fine to feel nothing.

I can’t tell you how to feel, but I can tell you this: Exes are exes for a reason.
I’m sure others will pop in to tell me I’m wrong, but I have never known anybody to have a “broke up and stayed friends” situation that went well. There is no good reason to keep this woman in your life at all. Break clean.

There’s nothing wrong with how you feel. There’s no need to feel mad at her because you think you ought to feel that way.

Probably, you’re not mad because you’re not in love with her. You like her as a friend - but you don’t care who she’s involved with romantically. But you know best how you feel about that.

If you want to stay friends with her and you’re not too worked up about her kissing someone else - tell her that. You can each be free to go find someone who suits you better and you can still be friends if you want to be friends. If it doesn’t really bother you, there’s no reason to let it get in your way.

First of all, when you say “cheating” most people are going to assume intercourse. This was kissing — still an indiscretion, but not cheating.

You two sound like incompatible codependents. You need to break it off for real and get on with your respective lives. But sticking with one another you are going to cause each other continued anguish and grief. If you really care about her, cut her free so she can find someone more compatible with her.

While it’s a bad thing for her to betray your trust, it’s neither a good thing for you to withhold the intimacy it sounds like she needs in a relationship.

Why aren’t you feeling anything? The way you write about yourself, it sounds like you’re a bit closed off emotionally. If you’re with her because you were lonely, maybe you don’t really love her, maybe you don’t really care.

Do you have health care? If so, does it cover therapy? If so, you should ask him/her.

I see two problems here:

1.) You need more than one friend in life dude. There are many ways to go about this; which would be a good topic for another thread. Or you could just do a search for one as we have a plethora of them here.

2.) Sounds to me like you love this girl as a sister not a lover. I’d like to tell you to just be friends with her but I don’t know if this is a practical solution; if we are to take “she’s obsessed with you” as fact.

In short, move on, find more friends.

Pretty much. She’s your EX. EEEEEX. Repeat after me: EEEEX! And from the OP, you two don’t seem to have been that much into each other in the first place, so why are you trying to complicate your own life? Life is complicated enough by itself!

You know how you feel. You feel hurt at her betrayal, which is perfectly reasonable.

Maybe you’re not mad, because you know the two of you are no longer in a romantic relationship, and aren’t going to be together in the future, so the fact of her indiscretion really has little bearing on you and your future.

I think there is a different issue here in that the only friend you have is someone you had a somewhat unhealthy relationship with. Did you have friends and lose them (and if so, why)? Or have you never had friends?

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