My only issue with that is the mixed signals. There’s been at least two situations I’ve been in in the last few years where I was out with someone (both friends, actually) and on my way home thought to myself “OMG, that was totally a date”. I didn’t realize it until I sort of rethought all of the conversation and realized that a lot of the questions she/they asked weren’t really ‘old friend’ type questions, they were more like first date questions. In at least one of those ‘dates’, I would have acted a bit differently. This girl, while a good friend, is someone that I’ve on and off liked and if I knew it was a date I might have put more effort into acting like I was on a date and not just hanging out with a friend.
Having said all that, IMveryHO, it’s not really fair to either party to say ‘want to hang out’ or ‘want to go rock climbing, but totally not a date’ and use that to sort of decide if you want to date someone. If he’s just doing it to build his social skills, that’s one thing, but as a precursor to asking them out, it could come off as skeevy. What he might want to look into (based on what I’ve heard) is a meetup group. A bunch of people that hang out doing some kind of activity where dating is not only frowned upon, but from what I understand, people get kicked out if they’re suspected of using the group for dating purposes. That might be a better no-pressure thing. People are there to do their thing, maybe make some friends and really aren’t looking to date.
I see what you’re saying. When I’ve mentioned this concept before people have disputed whether it’s a good idea, and I do wonder if US culture differs from the UK and China culture I’m used to that you just can’t do this there.
But regardless, many of the posts on the Dope sound like I did before I started to get comfortable with socializing, so I do like to throw out what helped me.
Nowadays I regularly go on casual activities with new people whether they be girls I’m attracted to, girls I’m not attracted to, guys, whatever. And for the most part, the kinds of conversation I have on those activities are the same; I don’t need to go into some special “I’m with an attractive girl this time, I must do X, Y, Z” mode, so I don’t feel any pressure.
I should also note that noticing signals that someone is or is not interested in you, and giving your own signals, without anyone needing to be explicitly rejected is a useful set of skills to culture in itself.
And yes it’s true some events frown on people using them for dating but IME the kind of person they’re trying to deter are “hungry dog” guys, who are overtly trying hard to get girls, and couples who need to get a room.
I haven’t been a hungry dog for many years and when it’s time to get a room (or at least somewhere not so public ;)) I do so. I’ve never felt unwelcome at social events whether I’m alone or +1.
[shaky scared voice]He means it, cg16. Shagnasty’s brain is loaded and he’s crazy enough to do it. He ain’t bluffing. Call her, for all our sake’s or we’re dead men. Well, we’ll wish we were dead men. There are some analogies that are worse than dyin’…[/shaky voice]
If a guy wanted to sit next to me in the booth on a first date, I’d think that was very strange. I would also be creeped out by the “you make me feel like a bashful boy again” line, unless you’re over 50, and even then it’s questionable.
Did you ever tell us how old you are?
Be sure and check in and let us know if there is going to be a date #2!
We were at a table first where I could have sat on the side of her rather than directly across from her in a booth. I was the one who moved things to a booth instead of just leaving it at the table.
You are doing everything you can to find reasons to believe it’s not worth risking rejection by asking her out. Its understandable and very human but unless you get over it you aren’t going to get anywhere.
Ask her out on a specific date/time/place. If she wants to go out with you she will make it happen or respond with a better time. You’re overthinking the process. You’re looking for excuses.
See that little round metal plate on the ground? There inside the hoop of metal with the jagged teeth. Step on it, I promise those big springs on either side are just for decoration.
Seriously? Its thinking like that which has filled a good percentage of the holes outside of Vegas.
Sure. Just imagine Jimmy Conway is inviting you into the back of a machine shop in Brooklyn because he wants you to have some free ‘nice clothes’.
(After the ‘competition’ comment it could happen…)
It Could be because she likes you & doesn’t want to show all her cards.
Or maybe she’s setting up an alibi.
Tell me: in “So I Married An Axe Murderer”, didn’t you find Nancy Travis hot?
Ah… water boarding & tazers for PIN numbers!
L’amour est éternel
( pierres tombales sont en vente. )
…parce que l’amour est jamais mieux comme une démocratie… Whoosh!
At a table, I usually sit at the OP’s corner, not across from them. But next to someone in a booth? Never. Anyway, if I’m seated at a booth with a guy I’m having sex with, I can slip off my shoe and use my foot to better advantage if I’m seated across from him.
Just curious: why did you suggest moving to a booth?
You’ve figured out by now that this was the wrong approach, right? This doesn’t even work when trying to get together with friend-friends, let alone a second date with someone you’re interested in. This is what you need to do:
Her lukewarm “we’re all busy” reply makes me think she’s not interested. If I were interested, I’d have said, “What did you have in mind?” The fact that she deflected is not good. HOWEVER, it wasn’t an out and out rejection, so just pull yourself together and make a specific request, naming the time, place, and event. Believe me, a straight-out rejection will hurt less in the long run than this death-by-a-thousand-paper-cuts you’re currently inflicting on yourself.
I’m sorry, but that’s just sad. A person who is into you will not wait for spare time; they’ll make you a priority.
Furthermore, you are clearly trying to avoid a possible rejection. You want her to eliminate all of her excuses to say no before you ask, when you need to just put yourself out there and take the risk.
Earlier, you complained about men having to do the hard work. Quit whining about it, and just go do it. Life is unfair sometimes, and sitting around waiting for the world to change will get you precisely nowhere.
Get another fish. You’ve started off on a few wrong steps with this one and you’re going to waste a lot of time trying to fix it. It’s better to start new than keep going down the wrong path with her.
Yes. And, at this point, it’s possible the OP’s passiveness has him drifting into “not interested” zone when he was in “another date” zone before. I’m not trying to make him feel bad, but just to light a little bit of a fire. All he has to do is say “Hey, would you like to check out that Mexican place with me after work tomorrow?” It doesn’t have to be a weekend date. Or make it Friday night. If she says she’s busy, follow up with a “what works best for you?” and if then you still get hemming-and-hawing, then, yeah, that’s pretty much a no-go. But instead of sitting around and wondering and looking for a clear sign, just tale the initiative and, if it doesn’t work, move on.
So what if it’s a situation if I asked her out and she says yes but I am the one who is always initiating contact? Do I continue to go out with her? Last summer I had a situation where she agreed to go out with me twice after the date but I was always the one calling first or texting first.
that’s not how things should be if it’s mutual interest right?
Hard to say. Most women are taught from infancy to be submissive, passive, and pretend they are not sexual (they tried to do this to me but it never took) so she just might be following her training and expecting you to do all of the invites. It’s not a good sign but not necessarily a bad sign.
