I HATE being touched by my parents, but they won't respect that

[elbows]

It seems to me that if you’re over 21yrs of age, and you allow your parents to determine what you wear, where you go to school, and if you can have a haircut, then not having them touch you is, indeed, all about control.

I’d bet once you resolve your other control issues, this one will resolve itself. Not that you’ll become all touchy feely, but you may become more tolerant of moderate shows of affection.

PS. Blaming them for your decision regarding Grad School is part of the dance. You won’t gain control until you disengage from the dance.

[Trepa_Mayfield]

@Muffin

You and your parents should consider getting counselling together to help all of you identify, address and hopefully deal with the various issues that are causing stress in your relationship.

Do NOT do this, Diamonds, unless you go through one-on-one counseling first. Your problems are with your parents; jumping to group counseling right away will almost certainly be longer, more stressful, and less helpful.

[Philster]

And the SDMB doesn’t qualify as counseling.

[Avarie537]

Ugh - this thread just skeeves me out! My dad used to insist on being allowed to kiss me full on the lips until I was almost twenty. One day, I made him stop, and he just didn’t get it. All I said was “It makes me uncomfortable.” His response was “but I’m your father and I want to kiss you.” Creepy creepy creepy! “Yeah, but that’s how a man kisses a woman romantically - if you want to kiss me, it’s cheek, forehead, or nothing.” And now, on the rare occasion when I do hug him (because he hugs way too hard and way too long as well), I am sure to plant my face sideways on his chest, so his only option is to kiss my forehead. (Yeah, we have LOADS of issues between us, but things are getting better.)

My two boys are 3 1/2 and almost 2. I love to hug, kiss, and cuddle them, but if they don’t want it, I don’t force it - and I don’t allow anyone else to push their affection on the boys either. If we’re leaving Grammi and Papaw’s house and Spencer doesn’t want to give a hug and kiss, he doesn’t have to. We encourage something less space-invasive, like a high-five or fist-bump that he is comfortable with instead.

[Omar_Little]

28
Until recently, lived with parents
Drops hints of homosexuality, without owning her sexuality
Believes parents want her to be financially dependent on them until she gets a husband
Depressed about job situation, co-dependency, etc.
Doesn’t want to go into therapy

Seems that OP has deeper issues than whether her parents want to touch her or not. I’m no psychologist, but I have been a patient of one at various times in my life. Everyone needs an objective person to talk to, and a licensed counselor is a good place to start.

Good luck.

[Freudian_Slit]

Where are you guys getting the hints of homosexuality? From the allusions to the short hair or just the part about her liking being touched by women, or is there more?

[Nzinga_Seated]

@Philster

And the SDMB doesn’t qualify as counseling.

So, I should stop taking these prescription pills that I was prescribed over in the pit?

[Cat_Whisperer]

@Nzinga_Seated

So, I should stop taking these prescription pills that I was prescribed over in the pit?

You should probably do a poll first.

[Anaamika]

As happens only too often, someone who had a perfectly healthy relationship with their parents comes along and discounts everything we with poisoned relationships have to say.

No, parents do not always fucking touch you because they love you. something else amazing, parents do not always even love you. Sometimes they love you only when you’re cute and adorable and as soon as you get a mind of your own you are anathema to them.

If I could have a dollar for every time some asshole said to me “She’s your mom, she loves you, that’s why she does it”, I’d probably be rich now.

Let me say it again: SOMETIMES PARENTS DON’T LOVE YOU. It’s been known to happen. They may love the baby you but not the adult you.

All that aside, it’s OK not to want to be touched, and to not love your parents. It happens. I can be grateful for what my parents have done for me (and I am, believe you me) and still not feel any love for them.

I don’t know where everyone is getting the hints of homosexuality, either. And sure, it could be an immigrant family - though I am kind of getting an old Italian vibe. In some ways Italian families match up closely with Indian families.

Lastly…I think people should stop listening to most things Diogenes the Cynic says. I have said this before, but his vision is rather myopic and he rarely considers anything wider than what he has experience. The ability to put himself in others’ shoes just does not seem to be present in him. People argue with him and while I have seen him change his mind on occasion, it’s rare.

This particular topic is close to my heart because I not only had to deal with toxic parents but tons and tons of people telling me it was all in my head, or that my parents just loved me and that’s what parents did. No. It’s not what parents do, I know that now. Really loving parents may be a little sad sad, but they welcome their childrens’ independence with pride and love. Look what I have made - a functioning human being! They want more than anything for their kids to grow up and stand on their own two feet. Toxic parents react to their childrens’ independence as a growing threat.

[Omar_Little]

@Freudian_Slit

Where are you guys getting the hints of homosexuality? From the allusions to the short hair or just the part about her liking being touched by women, or is there more?

Below

@Diamonds02

I don’t mind being touched by people who are closer to me in age, especiallly if they are women…in fact I like it.

@Diamonds02

I normally associate touch with either control or sex.

@Diamonds02

When I’m horny, I don’t mind being touched, as long as they are around my age and not related to me.

I tend to react positively when people my age touch me, regardless if they are related to me or not. Slight preference for female contact over male.

@Diamonds02

My mom took a nice trip a year and a half ago, she told me that I could not go if I didn’t wear the clothes she bought for me. I may dress a little butch, but Christ, I don’t dress like a hobo.

[Philster]

@Nzinga_Seated

So, I should stop taking these prescription pills that I was prescribed over in the pit?

Yes!

If you really want to get your head screwed up, stop by the good ol’ SDMB and ask for some advice that impacts your life. Yeah, get advice from a place that has a disproportionate number of misfits and whiners.

Five pages later, various mod warnings and possible pit threads: This place is just primed for helping people!

[Chimera]

Skipped 90% of this thread. Not enjoying this 5th page.

All I can say is: There are certain times when I become hypersensitive to touch. I am usually agitated and anti-social at those same moments, so at this point in my life, I know enough to isolate myself at those times. But very often earlier in my life, I would come into conflict with people who insisted on touching me or allowing their pets to pester me, when the merest contact amounted to a physical SCREAM IN MY MIND. They thought I was joking, or making it up, or exaggerating, or just being a jerk. No, I wasn’t, and I’m not. When I’m like that, touching me is the equivalent of screaming into my ear, only over my entire body.

Fortunately, it is very rare.

But frankly, if someone were to press the issue and insist on continuing to touch me - as I have warned several people in the past - I can and will treat it as a physical assault and respond appropriately - with extreme violence in self defense.

[Indistinguishable]

@Freudian_Slit

Did you mean funny in a “Oh my god, that’s so dysfunctional way” or that a girlfriend explaining that her dad sexually assaulted her would be funny…?

I’m not even sure. Like I hopefully managed to give with the disclaimer, I recognize that it is, in fact, ultimately skeevy. And yet, somehow… since I’m giving the father the benefit of the doubt in my head that there was no untoward element of sexual gratification in it for him (and yes, regardless, it’s still wrong and uncomfortable and whatever else for him to do anything like this against the daughter’s vehement objection), that it was just, from his point of view, an innocuous silly prank, I can somehow find myself amused by the idea anyway (“Where’d you get these hickys?!” “God, it’s just my annoying dad. He thinks it’s sooo funny…”).

I don’t know. Somehow, in the abstract, the concept struck faintly humorous notes in my head. I can’t explain it. Forgive me…

[Freudian_Slit]

@Wilbo523

Below

@Diamonds02

I normally associate touch with either control or sex.

How is this anything to do with homosexuality?

[Dogzilla]

@Freudian_Slit

Sounds like an anecdote from “How to prime your daughter for sexual abuse.” Or from “High on Arrival.”

Did you mean funny in a “Oh my god, that’s so dysfunctional way” or that a girlfriend explaining that her dad sexually assaulted her would be funny…?

In fact, I had been sexually abused by my 30-year-old stepbrother just a year before my dad started pulling that crap. And my dad knew all about it. In my mind, that makes my dad’s actions even more sick and twisted and not amusing in the slightest. My sister and I shake our heads in disgust when we talk about stuff like this.

But I forgive Indistinguishable for being able to see the humor in it. I just wonder if you still do, knowing this new little tidbit of information.

Also, I wanted to second what Anaamika just posted. Not all parents even understand what mature love is. My parents think they love me, but they have no idea how toxic and damaging some of their behavior can be. They simply have no concept of mature adult familial love.

BTW, this and Diamonds previous thread screams “Pentacostal” to me. Or some other very controlling, über-conservative religion. Of course not all Pentacostal (or other conservative, religious) parents treat each other this way. I do find that, frequently, people who are members of very controlling religions tend to be very controlling with their own families and have very wonky ideas about boundaries.

[Indistinguishable]

@Freudian_Slit

How is this anything to do with homosexuality?

Not much in itself, but perhaps in the context of all the other mentions as to how she enjoys touch in certain situations, preferably from females, it could indicate that those situations are associated for her with either control or sex.

@Dogzilla

In fact, I had been sexually abused by my 30-year-old stepbrother just a year before my dad started pulling that crap. And my dad knew all about it. In my mind, that makes my dad’s actions even more sick and twisted and not amusing in the slightest. My sister and I shake our heads in disgust when we talk about stuff like this.

But I forgive Indistinguishable for being able to see the humor in it. I just wonder if you still do, knowing this new little tidbit of information.

Oh, god no. I didn’t realize there was that kind of background context. I thought it was just a one-off thing, where you still had fundamentally a normal happy family life, and were just reminiscing about this one stupid idea your dad once had out of the blue.

[Fear_Itself]

@Philster

And the SDMB doesn’t qualify as counseling.

Tell that to my insurance company.

[Omar_Little]

@Freudian_Slit

How is this anything to do with homosexuality?

@Indistinguishable

Not much in itself, but perhaps in the context of all the other mentions as to how she enjoys touch in certain situations, preferably from females, it could indicate that those situations are associated for her with either control or sex.

This.

[Freudian_Slit]

@Dogzilla

In fact, I had been sexually abused by my 30-year-old stepbrother just a year before my dad started pulling that crap. And my dad knew all about it. In my mind, that makes my dad’s actions even more sick and twisted and not amusing in the slightest. My sister and I shake our heads in disgust when we talk about stuff like this.

Wow. Wrong of your father on so many level. Sorry you had to go through that.

I agree that Aanamika’s post was great. It’s great to have loving, caring parents but I think we need to remember that not everyone has that.

[Dogzilla]

@Indistinguishable

Oh, god no. I didn’t realize there was that kind of background context. I thought it was just a one-off thing, where you still had fundamentally a normal happy family life, and were just reminiscing about this one stupid idea your dad once had out of the blue.

Aw, yeah, if that had been a one-off thing, I would have maybe found it funny as well. But it was just one incident in a well-established pattern of sick, toxic, boundaryless behavior.

He still thinks it’s funny.

In fact, my sister reported back to me a couple years ago (I moved 1,200 miles away to get away from these people) that he made the exact same joke to one of his step-granddaughters, who was maybe 16 or 18 at the time. Stopped the holiday family dinner cold; they all turned and looked at him like this :eek: . He just chuckled to himself – the only person in the room who thought it was uproariously funny – and couldn’t understand why everyone was so horrified.

I love my dad 'cause he’s my dad. I just don’t like him very much, because he’s a narcissistic asshole who does not care at all about how his words or actions affect other people. Does that make any sense to those of you who have healthy relationships with your parents?