I hate being affectionate with my parents, but its easier not to be with my dad than my mom. He was never one for affection apart from the rare hug or kiss to my head but my mother is a different story. She loves hugs, kisses, and all the stuff a ‘mother’ does I guess. I just feel that this is wrong in some way. I don’t like adults, referring to those older than me by 10 years at least, to hug or kiss or even just give me a friendly pat on the back. I become very self aware and I truly feel this is wrong.
With friends, I can hug and its not weird. I don’t get jumpy or feel that I need to back away from them. They’re around my age so it seems more comfortable.
I don’t know how to explain this to my mom, because every time I do, she just tsks me and says “I’m your mother.” She doesn’t seem to understand that I have no needing of that.
How do I explain this to her more with her actually understanding?
Can you explain what you mean when you say “I just feel like this is wrong”? Wrong in what way? Did an adult hurt you in some way when you were a child? I think we need more information. Or, maybe it would be best to talk his over with a therapist.
When I was a young child (5-9) I used to get really creeped out when family members would want to hug and kiss me. I wasn’t creeped out in a pervy way, it was more like: “Ew, old people are gross. They smell funny and they’re all wrinkly.”
But if a young teenage girl wanted to hug me? I was all over that!
Maybe what your feeling is just left over emotions from your childhood.
OP, I don’t really have any good advice, but I would like you to know that it’s not just you. I’m the same way. I can’t stand any physical contact with my parents. or, in fact, any members of my family. It creeps me out in a major way. With friends or romantic interests, there has never been a problem, and I can be as affectionate and cuddly as the next guy. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember.
Again, same as with you, this hasn’t been a problem so much with my dad, as he’s not much for touching either, but my mom clearly finds it weird. Or, well, she did. Now I’m an adult myself, and she’s used to it. It’s been many years since she last tried to hug me or anything. At some point I suppose she figured out that just because I squirm away and look disgusted at the first hint of physical contact, it doesn’t mean that I hate her, and it’s not her fault. It’s just one of those things.
She’s seen me with my friends and girlfriends over the years, so she knows that I behave normally with them, and that I’m not a total nutcase in this regard. Just around my family. Although I guess I’m not sure if that would make it better or worse from her perspective.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure that my parents never hurt me physically or did anything, you know, “wrong” to me when I was young, so I have no idea where this thing comes from. I certainly don’t feel like I need therapy to “fix” it, though, or even explain it, although your mileage may vary. It’s just one of my quirks, and I’m keeping it.
My mother told me that when I was an infant, she couldn’t hold me to feed me. I’d scream and struggle to get away. She’d have to prop my bottle up on a pillow in order for me to eat. I did NOT like to be held. When I was old enough to talk, I’d yell “get down!” and try to fling myself out of their arms if anyone was foolish enough to pick me up. I’ve never cared for being held or confined in any way. I don’t care for hugs. I’ll endure them, but never initiate them. I can be physically affectionate - I’ll snuggle up or enjoy having an arm put around me - but that’s about as far as I can go.
I once asked a friend of mine who is a clinical psychologist what on earth was my problem. She only said that I have an acute sense of personal space, very high up there on the edge of the bell curve. It’s not usual, but it’s not abnormal.
I don’t even like confining clothing. I can’t wear turtlenecks that are tight around my neck, or anything that is tight around my waist. If I feel my clothing is confining me, I will nearly have a panic reaction. It’s awkward and difficult, but you can work around this. I always tell people that don’t know me that I have this issue right away, in order to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
I know this doesn’t help you sort out your feelings, but you can see from the various posts here that you are not alone.
Hey, I have that too. No turtlenecks or anything tight. Also, no jewellery or anything attached to my person. That’s why I don’t have any piercings. If I was married, I would never be able to wear a wedding ring. Even tattoos freak me out. I hate the thought of having ink permanently stuck under my skin.
I’m not big on hugs, either. I’ll take a hug from a friend, but it has to be from someone I’m close to (or, well, someone I have the hots for). I *really *dislike handshakes. Physical contact with complete strangers just feels way too close for comfort. If I were to rewrite the social norms, the standard formal greeting would be a wave from a safe distance.