I just had a huge fight with my mother. Well, we always fight about this (since I was a kid) and my dad too, but this is the first time she told me not to talk to her again unless I let her touch me.
They know that I hate being touched (hugged, kissed, rubbed, etc.), but they insist on doing so, and get very angry when I reject their advances. I get very angry in return because IMO they are showing a blatant need for control and disregard for boundaries.
I don’t know what to tell them to make them stop and I don’t know how to prevent them from being angry about it.
I also don’t know why it makes them so angry that I don’t like them touching me. I tell them it’s nothing personal, I don’t like being touched by anyone. Well there some exceptions, I don’t mind being touched by people who are closer to me in age, especiallly if they are women…in fact I like it. But by everyone else, especially people who are significantly older than me, it makes me really really uncomfortable if not distressed. It’s always been that way.
I have not bothered speaking to a therapist about this. I do agree with my mother on one thing, my touch aversion probably isn’t normal. No, I have not been sexually abused, though I do know know the roots to my aversion. I have no desire to change, and I feel that I have nothing to gain by changing.
Really? Frankly, you might see a counsellor about that alone, the lack of empathy you display is disturbing, to me. You say you know it’s abnormal, and it seems to me you should be able to project from that that they feel like a/ failures and b/ you really do hate them, even though you say not. Touch is just so much more fundamental than words.
Speak to a therapist mate, a hug from one’s parents is a special thing that one day will not be possible. I didn’t like my dad huggin me for many years from about 10 to 22 yo. When I got one at a funeral I almost cried and my life is the better for it, he is gone now and I wish I had hugged him more, I make up for it with my kids and they seem to be cool about it.
I don’t think this alone would make my relationship with them better, with so many other issues going on.
28 year old female. Yeah, they kind of do suspect that I hate them, for this reason and other reasons. That obviously isn’t the truth, I’m very frustrated with them, but I do not hate them.
Again being touched causes strong distress in me. I try to take this into consideration, and this is the only thing that makes me stop and think. Even with the guilt, I still feel uncomfortable being touched.
I feel there are many many ways to show love, touch is only one of them.
Yeah, I don’t want to pile on, but you’ve got parents who love you and want to express that. Many people would kill for that.
I’m the furthest thing from a “touchy feely” person but I would be hurt if the once a year or so I see my parents I didn’t get a big hug from them. My own kids are young-mid teens and I’m not about to give them a big hug in front of peers, but they have no problem walking off of a soccer field with my arm on their shoulder letting them know I’m proud of how they played.
Sorry to say this, but after the age where boys try to be manly without really knowing what it means, this is a problem with you… not them.
I normally associate touch with either control or sex. The very act of someone getting angry or hurt from my withdrawal or nervousness, makes me feel like I’m being controlled even more. There’s a third thing going on too, but I think it is too odd to state…in this context. I may can get over the first two if I try hard enough to not associate those things with each other, but the last will probably take years of therapy and maybe medication to get over.
Is this just with your parents or in general? Normally touch is a calming thing… not just in people but in most animals. When a baby cries… you pick it up and cuddle it. When a person is in the hospital, the nurse holds your hand. When the dogs get worried about fireworks they curl up together. When the cat wants to show affection it rubs on your ankle. When I want to show one of the dogs it did a good thing I rub it’s ear. People pay big money to have a stranger rub their back to help them relax.
Is it any touch, or just from your parents? I could see if it is just your parents, and then I’d look for the issue there. If it is in total then there may be something deeper to look at.
I think you might not really appreciate what kind of an overwhelming impulse and need that parents feel to express some kind of physical contact and affection for their kids. It’s not a “control” thing, its like a biological imperative. I think it would feel extremely distresful and hurtful to me if my kids refused to let me hug them.
You need to understand that as much as it bugs you to be touched, it bugs them at least as much, if not more, to no be able to touch you.
Your aversion is not normal. Your parents aren’t doing anything wrong (unless there’s something you aren’t telling us), but if it’s that problematic to you, then you need to find a way to affirm that you love them which can serve as a substitute.
A lot of parents develop a sense of entitelement towards their children. They come to view the child as their property rather than as a human being with wants, desires, and needs of its own. They feel that because they put up the funds to feed and clothe the child in compliance with the laws demanding they do so, that they are therefor owed both love, and any expression of affection they feel like getting from the child. This sort of additude is at the root of a lot of incestuous child abuse, but it obviously doesn’t always manefest itself in that way.
As to them not being mad at you, you’re making a mistake even reaching for that goal. They are the ones behaving irrationally here, not you. It isn’t your job to baby your parents and protect their delicate little feelings from their paranoia about rejection. Especially not with an issue that has already been discussed to death by now and should have been clear since you were nine.
Making them stop is a more reasonable goal, though you’ll have to accept their feelings being hurt if you actually want to make them stop.
Was there something in particular about that post that you found objectionable (other than the fact that I was disagreeing with you) or was this just a general expression of your dislike for me? If the later, please take it to the pit. If the former, please elaborate.
So you don’t like feeling controlled. Not many people do. If a few seconds here and there of feeling somewhat controlled would prevent non-unreasonable sadness in people who loved me, I’d just bite the bullet because my top priority isn’t making sure I am always 100% comfortable at no matter what cost. On the other hand, is it possible you have Aspergers syndrome?
Only child. I’m ticklish in the stomach area, but no where else. But my aversion to being touch has little to do with that.
My aversion to being touch depends on my mood, the person touching me, and the situation I’m in.
If I’m scared, angry, or stressed out I don’t like being touched.
If I’m really really sad, I don’t mind being touched, mostly by anyone.
When I’m horny, I don’t mind being touched, as long as they are around my age and not related to me.
I tend to react negatively when older people (15 years or older) touch me. Especially if I’m related to these older folks or if they went to my church (it’s the 2nd largest reason why I stopped going).
I tend to react positively when people my age touch me, regardless if they are related to me or not. Slight preference for female contact over male.
A kiss or hug or pat on the back as a greeting or a good bye or to congratulate me, not so bad, by anyone. Not crazy about it, but it doesn’t distress me. The more I’m prepared for touch the better I react, I don’t like being touched out of the blue.
I see where you are coming from, and I agree that parents wanting to touch their kids is normal if not instinctual. But in my case, the fact that they know that I don’t like being touched and they want to do it anyway skeeves me out. And that goes for anyone else, not just my parents, I feel controlled as hell when I actively express that I am uncomfortable about this sort of thing, and I’m ignored.
I think this is why I tend to react more negatively to older people, especially those I’m related to or used to go to church with. I get a very very strong vibe of that from this segment of people I interact with. When folks my age find out I’m not the touchy feely type, they either leave me alone, am cautious how they approach me with physical affection, or they let me initiate the touching.
Not so with older folks, they are less likely to pick up that this sort of thing makes me uncomfortable, and when they do they try to make me feel guilty about it. If I’m “lucky” enough, they will try to touch me even more to spite me.
Cesario, please, no offense but you’re adding your problems to the ops.
A parents love for a child is everything. Touching is a normal expression of that love. Since it has been acknowledged that the hatred of being touched is abnormal it would benefit everyone if the problem was addressed. Future children won’t understand the abandonment of not being hugged.
You are obviously not a parent (if you are I pitty your children).
Yes, this is clearly why parents support their children… we are required to do so by law… and we’re keeping a tab by god.
Ummm… not even sure how to respond to the crazy here.
Yes, a good blanket statement is that all parents are evil and wish the worst on their kids. You should be really ashamed that you didn’t realize this when you were nine. There is no hope… live miserably then die!
Hint… buy a gun.
No idea what made me think of this, but…
I remember my sister used to collect these dolls that were funny looking and had their arms outstreached and had long colorful hair. I can’t remember what they were called though. I don’t know why but any idea what these were called Cesario?