It’s a tough circumstance. Your anti-touch preference WRT your mother and father is pretty odd, and puts you at the periphery of normal human responses. If I had a child that was utterly touch averse to hugs etc, and had no (rational) reason for it, I’d think they were emotionally autistic or mentally unbalanced in some fashion.
Youre notion that it’s a parental “control issue” is just cuckoo for cocoa puffs. You’ve got a somewhat peculiar mental problem, and the sooner you own that vs putting it off on others desire to “control” you, the better off you will be.
I have two childrend who do not like to be hugged or touched. I respect that and I don’t force myself on them. I don’t know how it would go over with your parents, but my daughter would simply say “Mom, you’re in my bubble” and that was my cue to back off.
I think it’s invasive of a person to touch me if I don’t want them to, regardless of who they are.
Thank you for pointing this out… I just saw references to that poster but hadn’t made the connection. I won’t bother spending any more energy on responding to him/it.
I do hope though that the OP can work through her issues expressed here.
What this here person said. Diamonds has the perfect right to not want to be touched by anyone, including her parents, and for them to continue to touch her against her express wishes is not cool. If she’s happy with the way she is, who am I to tell her that she needs more hugs in her life? I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of people in my life who I initiate hugs with, and I’m fine with that. There’s a whole spectrum of “normal” touchy-feely out there, and I don’t see Diamonds as being off of it.
You made a reasonable point. The person you “seconded” did not. I suspect his response had very little to do with the point Cesario raised. Even at his most emotional, Dio tends to respond with some level of logic to things he disagrees with.
As for the OP:
Yeah, not wanting to be touched is abnormal. But nobody has to be normal if they don’t want to be. There’s no requirement to be. But you should look into it, because you would probably enjoy life better if you got to the root of the problem. At least after seeing a therapist, you could make an informed decision about which is better.
Still, I can’t get behind the idea that the parents have any right to shun their child because she doesn’t express love the way they want her to. I would argue that the parents are being selfish, rather than loving. They’re upset because they don’t get the pleasure of touching their child. If they cared about her, they would be investing in way to fix the problem, not trying to shun her because she doesn’t fit their ideals. And definitely not doing something that they know causes her pain.*
Those of us in this thread that are trying to get her help are actually showing more love than her parents right now. I hope beyond hope that this is temporary, and that the parents really do love her.
*I’d’ve thought Dio of all people would agree that knowingly causing someone pain is not showing love. It shouldn’t matter that what is causing pain is abnormal, or that the pain is emotional.
How is it not a desire to control someone when someone says “no” and that “no” is ignored? No means no, regardless of reason. Wanting to hug someone in itself is fine and has nothing to do with control, but it’s a different story when one party doesn’t want contact. What if it were my boss? What if it were guy on a date?
I’m not trying to compare my issue with sexual harrassment at work or date rape, but fundamental issue is that boundaries are not being respected.
Yes, I have problems that need to be worked out. Maybe I’ll be a completely different person 20 years from now, with or without therapy. But meanwhile, I wish for my desires, concerns, and fears to be taken into consideration by my parents or anyone else who is eager to have physical contact with me.
If you’re nearly thirty, then I’m guessing your parents are somewhere around their mid-fifties or older. How do you know you’ll have the luxury of being able to hug your parents twenty years from now, rather than merely visiting their graveside?
If you are interested in overcoming this, maybe you could explain to your parents that you are trying to work on it (but only if you really are), but you need to set the pace and if they try to rush you it’s just going to push you farther away. Hopefully they will understand this and work with you for the long-term result. In the meantime, you could seek out professional help to help you adjust, and then ignore my advice and do whatever the professional says.
But if you just don’t want people touching you (I don’t either), and are trying to figure out how to make them stop I don’t know what else you can do but say no.
During my teens, I did not much like being touched (well, being hugged, anyway) by my parents. I think it did damage my relationship with them, and ultimately it damaged me.
Diamonds02, you have an absolute right to say when and how you wish to be touched. This is true even if you are suffering from some kind of emotional imbalance (and I’m not saying that you are). The fact that they’re your parents does not override this, especially since (I presume) you are an adult. Your mother’s threat not to speak to you until you allow her to touch you is blatant manipulation.
The best advice I can give is to try to maintain your boundaries without letting things turn into a fight. Be firm but calm. Don’t respond to anger with anger.
I would recommend talking this through with a therapist.
Not because it’s an unusual reaction to touch, but because the combination of your reaction to touch, and the reactions of those around you to your requests not to be touched appear to cause you a great deal of distress.
There are a number of ways to address the problem, but they depend on your specific circumstances and relationship with your parents.
Almost certainly any approach you take is going to have substantial drawbacks (e.g. further damaging your relationship with your parents; causing you to have uncomfortable confrontations), but may also have significant gains over the current situation. A good therapist should be able to help you decide on which option is best (or least worst) for you, without imposing their own thoughts about what’s best .
One thing that stood out for me is your statement about their disrespect for your boundaries with regards to touching. Do you feel they respect your boundaries in other ways?
I used to be 6’ and weighed 135 pounds, and it was NOT a good thing when anyone touched me. It used to hurt. I was all bones, no muscle to support it, but no one understood this.
Now that I’m 175 (plus 30 years older) it doesn’t bother me, but if you don’t want someone touching you they should respect that.
But I must say, I’ve known a lot of people in my life that are “touchy, feely.” The don’t mean nothing by it, but they can’t seem to talk to you unless they are “in your face” so to speak
So far you have acknowledged that you are the one who is displaying the abnormal behavior. Armed with this knowledge, you still can’t see why your parents are upset with this behavior. You say you have no desire to change, but I don’t think that’s true. You know something is wrong, and you seem reasonable enough to realize that any sort of compromise you make which doesn’t involve you getting over your strange aversion is not going to be ideal. The easiest and best resolution would be to get whatever therapy you need for your condition, and if that fails, explain to your parents exactly why you’re afraid of people who are older than you trying to display affection for you.
My parents didn’t, so when all of a sudden Mom decided that she would be hugging us left and right, we all freaked out. In our case, since it was 3:1, the 3 won Changing the rules of the game after 20+ years is Not Cool.
Also, the way she did it was not the way other people do it. Her friend Rita can hug me any time she wants. Rita says “aaah, c’mere, give me a hug!” (so I know a hug is forthcoming) and she puts the right amount of pressure and takes the right time; Mom would… move too fast, be too sudden, squeeze too hard and, when we tried to break off, hug even harder. Rita also gives half-hugs (Mom doesn’t), touches my arm (Mom grabs it), gives kisses on the cheek that are real kisses (as opposed to air kisses, leaving a wet cheek or leaving lipstick marks). Mom’s friend Ana, who hugs like you’re a toothpaste tube and leaves a trail of lipstick marks, is not a popular source of hugs with anybody.
I just realized that, same as there’s bad sex and bad kisses, there are bad hugs!
I’m sorry to hear you’re having this issue with your parents. It sounds like it’s very distressing for everyone involved.
I grew up in a household where bear hugs and kisses were for children and as I grew older I recieved them less and less. I then found it very difficult when my mother-in-law wanted to hug and kiss me, so I can understand in some degree what you are feeling when this happens although the circumstances are clearly different.
I’m wondering if a middle ground could be reached here, in that they agree to limit the degree of contact (quick hugs with minimal body contact versus full on bearhugs) and you agree to put up with your dislike of said quick hug?
Obviously you’d need to work with whatever therapy practitioners you are seeing, but it seems like it could be a workable solution that would stop the family drama of both you and your parents getting so upset.
Me, I’d suggest therapy for that much of a touch aversion, but wouldn’t consider it a necessity. Clearly, it’s a symptom of bigger things, but regardless, your parents should respect your space. Forcing themselves on you is Not Cool.
Your parents need to respect your boundaries and not push it thinking you’ll all of a sudden love to hug etc. But you shouldn’t freeze them out either.
I’m a parent of two preteens, and very much hands on with hugs, back rubs, hand squeezes and the occassional foot massage. My daughter gives me awesome back rubs, what a bonus. My 11 yo will still sit on my lap sometimes (like this a.m. when she woke up from a nightmare) I would be sad if they pulled away every time but I wouldn’t push it or make a case of it, especially when they reach adulthood.
But sadly I cringe away from my own parents touch. It’s been that way forever, I think it goes back to childhood when they were stressed and yelling all the time,lots of times hitting us, any hint of affection later would cause me stiffen up just waiting for the axe to fall again. I could cry right now thinking about the last time I saw them, how reserved I felt toward them compared to the love that i let flow towards my kids. I mean they are old people now, proablably craving affection from their kids, and I could barely linger in a hug.
Changing the rules of the game after 20+ years is Not Cool.