I hate birds

The BBQ Pit
1

I hate birds…

Those damn, stupid, fuckwinged flying bags of shit!

Let me tell you why.

I have a car. “Whoo Hoo!” I hear you say. Well, I like this car. It’s a nice looking car. Yeah, I bet you all think I’m gonna go on about birds shitting all over my car…

Wrong!

Back to my car… I like this one. An older, smallish, kind of sporty car. Good condition. Bought it for a song, too. No, really. The guy who had the car in his garage had a serious betting problem. He was so sure I wouldn’t dress up as Carmen Miranda, go to a local biker bar, get up on a table, and sing Feelings. What a doofus. As soon as the hospital released me, I was able to sit in my new car, Ha Ha! And when the casts came off, I could start driving it.

So, here I am, zooming through Nichols Hills, when who should show up? The Kamakazi birds from Planet Hell.

Dodging left and right, swerving all over the road, I manage to miss all the dumbfuck poor aim bird dumbasses. I feel bad about the shrubs, but, oh well…

Then, the One, the True, The Evil Kamakazi Bird comes swooping from the very heaven of heavens, at a velocity unmatched by nutrino emissions form supernovi, and CRASHES!!! into my windshield.

Shit!

My windshield is cracked!

(And some bird shit goo was released by the impact, smearing across my side window)

Well, at least the bird is dead. Giving me an idea. Kill all the birds!

Not just some… ALL! And do it with my car. Will require quite a bit of travelling, I’m sure. What with other continents and all. But, I’m up for it! I have a cause!

I had a cause once before. Involved birds then, too.

I was so fed up with birds having shat on my car (you knew I had to go there), that I developed a method to keep them worm vomitting ex-dinosaurs off of my vehicles.

I set up a chair in the front yard and sat there all night, armed with an M-16. Good gun for small birds. Blows them to smithereens… So, before driving over to Africa, I decide to repeat the bird elemination strategy once more… Anyways, that brings up the question of cops and attitude. So what if I’m wearing all black, have night vision goggles, and fire off a few dozen rounds or so every half hour? Don’t tell me to park in the garage to avoid birds! You and your Frenchyfied words and gun control laws! That brings up another thing. What’s with all those court ordered psychiatrists? Like you’ve never tried to bite your way out of a holding cell! And that brings up another thing. Strapping me down won’t make me swallow all those damn pills! And I LIKE THE SHOCKS!!! BRING IT ON!!! COME ON!!! And that brings up another thing. What gives the warden the right to take away my computer priviledges? I have rights, you know! I know the Pope! GOD TALKS TO ME, GUYS!!! I AM THE MESSIAH!!!

I hate birds…

2

Where is Alfred Hitchcock when we need him now?

3

Personally, I like birds. Hope that’s not a problem for you.

4

There does seem to be a rash of very suicidally dedicated birds these last few months. I’ve hit two of them myself on the highway…one in the grille, one with my left rearview mirror.

Coincidentally, I pulled a teeny little thousand-stitch headband out of the grille after the first one. Can’t say for sure whether it was related, but I’m just sayin’…

5

Wow, NCB… you may like your car, but I guess the birds don’t. It drives them into a suicidal rage.

Good luck with the… uhm… thing, though. The bird-killing thing, I mean. Just that there’s an awful lot of them.

6

hmmm… I’m not sure if driving into them/shooting them with an M16 is a really practical way of solving the problem.

I think you’d be better off breeding a flying cat.

Of course, after a few years, we’ll be seeing an NCB thread stating ‘I hat flying cats’ telling how one of them splurged across his windshield…

7

A brid ran into my head once.

That hurt.

8

There’s a bluebird on your shoulder.

9

THAT"S IT!

[rushes off to basement with neighbor’s cat and a proton accelerator]

10

I didn’t know Hunter Thompson was still writing.