Is my car a shit magnet?

I drive a Barbie car. As in, you rev it up by giving it a few quick runs across the ground like a toy car, and it goes. It’s small, it’s cute, it runs, and it gets me where I need to go. In other words, I drive a Kia Rio. I know that in a couple of years, my car will be a piece of shit with a worthless trade-in value, but right now, it does what it needs to do, and runs perfectly fine.

So I try to take care of my car. I usually give the windshield a squeegee when I hit the gas station. I check the oil when I remember (thank goodness for mr. avabeth, because he remembers these things better than I do). I try to keep it clean. I like my little car.

This past Sunday, after mr. avabeth and I went to see Shrek 2, we headed for the supermarket. On the way, we stopped to get gas. Since my car was almost covered in bird shit, I decided to run it through the car wash. A quick wash later, the outside was fairly sparkling clean. Yay!

That was two days ago. My car had no bird shit on it yesterday. I went outside at 6:45 this morning to leave for work, assuming I would find my car in the same pristine condition that I left it last night at 9:00.

Fuck, no. Bird crap covering the hood. Bird crap down the driver’s side window. Bird crap down the passenger’s side back window. And the piece de resistance, bird shit right in the middle of my rear window.

All of this in less than 10 hours! What did this bird do, decide to play “Ring Around Avabeth’s Car”? Did he pause in between craps just to switch sides? Or maybe there were four of them shitting in unison - perhaps they’d been playing Musical Chairs.

Whatever they were doing, it means I have to go wash my car again! And since I live in an apartment building, there’s no hose for me to just wash it outside - no communal car wash area. I have to pay for another car wash!

I’m trying to figure out revenge on the little fuckers. I’m thinking a bird-only-hearing-range car alarm - one that alternates meowing with ear-splitting beeps. I’m guessing this was done by the numerous geese we have wandering around town - a gaggle of them typically decides to cross the street by my apartment on the mornings that I’m running late for work - and no amount of honking will make them move. They also ‘visit’ us in the picnic area at work - usually to try and steal lunches. I’ve had several near misses with these buggers - If it wouldn’t wreck my car, and if I weren’t such a damn bleeding-heart, I’d consider not missing next time.

In the meantime, I’m going to go get my car washed.


I feel for you, but if the bird shit is the usual white blotches and streaks, you’re fingering the wrong culprit. Goose shit is tubular and mostly grass colored – think green cigars.

Or at least that is what’s covering all the sidewalks and playfields in our town. Damn Canada geese! Why don’t they go home? Is it really that awful up there?

** I’m guessing this was done by the numerous geese we have wandering around town - a gaggle of them typically decides to cross the street by my apartment on the mornings that I’m running late for work - and no amount of honking will make them move.**

Geese not responding to honking.
Can’t make them “move” (heh, because they already did)

sorry. Unable to make coherent post, many puns apparent.

Kill all birds, park away from trees. get cat…

I have two. They like to kill things, but I won’t let them outside. However…we do have harnesses…hmm…time for Kitty War Training!


And the puns were completely unintentional (dammit, can’t I make ONE pun on this board and realize I’ve done it??).

StarvingButStrong, are you kidding? This looks like typical bird shit, so I guess I can’t blame it on the geese. I’ll bet it’s the little fucker that thinks it’s funny to sit in the tree outside of my window on the nights it’s cool enough to leave it open - this thing starts its lovely songs at 5 AM typically. Shrieking songs.

Oh, well. Maybe they’ll go back to Canada. Could one of you Canadians tempt them with something, maybe Canadian beer?


I know it’s labor- and time-intensive, but why can’t you just squeegee the worst spots off when you get gas next time (and not just on the windows)?

Damn you for thinking rationally!

Actually, will you laugh if I say the thought never even occurred to me? I could do that. The shit is a bit thick and nasty, so it might take awhile, but that might do the trick. And hell, if it doesn’t, I planned to get a car wash anyway, eh?

I am such a dumbass sometimes.


I wouldn’t laugh. Seriously. It’s kind of amazing the number of people who would never even consider using a squeegee on a car body, just because you’re supposed to use squeegees on windows.

Yeh, good on ya. I love grabbing the squeegee from the bucket at the servo and wooshing it up and down my windscreen, only to find it has smeared bird shit all over the glass.

There’s a REASON squeegees are only used for glass!

Oh, and Avabeth? That is the funniest OP I’ve read in a long time! :smiley:


If it makes anyone feel better, I live in North Dakota, home of Canada Goose hunting. (no cite, but I’m sure a search will give you stats.) We kill a LOT of them every year.

Avabeth, if you have a Kia, just trade it in when it’s around 6 years old, or so. Don’t they have 10 year transferrable warranties? That’s a huge selling point. Good luck with the bastards. Frankly, the only birds I like are bald eagles. All the others can migrate to Venus for all I care.


There are some cattle egrets (I think) nesting in the big trees in my neighborhood right now. Some of the poop stains below are 8 feet wide!


You don’t park under power lines, do you? After the first time my car was covered in bird shit, I started avoiding those like the plague.

Just a suggestion…

Heck, after reading this thread, I wouldn’t even use a gas station squeegee to clean brake dust off of my tires.

I do have a squeegee of my own. Squeegees are very cheap; I bought mine a few years ago at a local hardware store for about $2. It’s especially useful in the winter for wiping moisure off of the windshield when the wiper blades are frozen.

When I was twenty, I drove cross-country by myself. At some point I drove through the Valley of the Insects, in which a veritable hail of squishy little creatures kamikazed against my car, covering everything in a slurry of chitin and goo.

At the next exit, I stopped for gas, and while it was filling I used the squeegee to clean my windows; when I was done, I started cleaning the hood of my car off as well.

The guy from the gas station came out and yelled, “HEY, WHAT THE HELL’S WRONG WITH YOU? HAVEN’T YOU EVER HEARD OF A CAR WASH?”

I’ve never done it since. :frowning:


There were several good suggestions for bird termination in this thread that I started a year ago, though I didn’t follow up on any of them. Best of luck with the bastards.

Is it really? That’s reassuring - I was convinced we’d start from scratch when we trade it in (although we haven’t decided if we’re trading in my car or mr. avabeth’s first - we’d like to get a PT Cruiser, but we’re not sure if we really like them yet). Thanks!

And no more bird crap today, so I guess they took a break. However, one of the fuckers decided to sit outside of our bedroom window this morning and ‘Tweet, tweet, tweet!’ at 5:30 in the fucking AM. This was the loud, ear-piercing whistle that one hears from a guy calling his dog across a field.

I’ve decided that birds and I just don’t mix. It’s so weird because I’m a huge animal lover, but I REALLY hate birds. My grandmother had a parrot that I hated with a passion (he bit me once), but for some god-knows-why reason, loved me. If I just walked by in the hallway, he’d start up with his screeching and his meowing (scared the shit out of our cats when he visited) and his ‘cuckoo Rachel!’ (someone taught him to call my aunt a cuckoo…). My grandfather told me that he only did that if he liked someone - he wouldn’t do it for anyone else in the family except me or my grandpa or my uncle. Go figure.

I hate birds.


Are you kidding? You guys are just getting the OVERFLOW from all the damned geese up here.

Be thankful you don’t live around here. We have a fair number of trees that bear ornamental little black berries. They aren’t edible by humans but birds scarf them up.
The resultant bird poop is an intense shade of purple. There’s something peculiarly revolting about bird poop that looks like yogurt dripped across sidewalks and cars.

Just felt the need to share that.


Choke cherries, I’ll bet. Nasty stuff.

Best of all though – did y’all know that poison ivy has berries? Which birds eat, or at least some species seem to be immune, and that the resultant crap can have enough of whatever the irritant chemical is to cause reactions? Nasty double whammy. :frowning:

“Nature, red in tooth, claw and anus.”
Blech, I’ll keep this in mind next time I’m scrubbing boysenberry-yogurt-colored bird crap off my car.
Did I mention, oh ick?


I’m surprised no one’s brought this up before.

avabeth, Ford has a commercial, just for you.