Next time I see you, I'm stappling your ass shut!!

Okay, last week, I washed my car for the first time in ages. The very next day, I come outside and there are two HUGE loads of bird crap on my car. Where they came from, I don’t know, because the only birds I’ve seen around my apartment complex are pigeons and both of these hits were larger than any pigeon I’d ever seen. It’s like two of them flew over my car and exploded. But that’s not the last of it. It seems everyday I go down to my car and there’s more shit all over it. Today, it got hit at least SIX TIMES in two hours!! And these aren’t small little dropplets either, these are massive diahreah shits we’re talking about here. And I’m not even parking under any trees, for God’s sake. So what the FUCK?!?! Does anyone out there know a way to de-magnatize your car so it no longer looks like a fucking port of let for flying vermine, or do I just need to go down to the local hardware store and buy myself a flame thrower and have a barbecue?

A bunch of pigeons once crapped on my car’s hood while I exited the car wash. They were sitting on the roof, over the exit door.

Nature sure has a sense of humour.

Mind you, it can be worse. Yesterday I was hit by what seemed like a medium sized condor dropping whilst doing about 140 km/h on my motorcycle. It’s an interesting thing, moving three lanes over to the emergency shoulder with about 30% visibility. :eek:

Man, I hope you had your mouth closed.

… and what’s “stappling”, anyway? Is that anything like spackling? That’s kind of what the birds are doing to your car.

I’d use duct tape, if you can manage to catch the little bastards.

Three words: full face helmet.

Thank goodness! :eek:

[sub]I flipped open the visor and made my way to the emergency shoulder. It wasn’t a huge deal, as I was wearing sunglasses so the wind didn’t “blind” me when I opened the visor 140 km/h. But still, for a second, there’s this white GOO covering most of your view, and you’re scared shitless until your reflexes kick in - maybe a second, but it feels like a minute.[/sub]

The same thing happened at this orgy I was a- um, nevermind.

Stappling can be done with a small office product which can be purchased at…Stapples!!!
(ducking and running off as fast as she can)

Oh, for fuck’s sake. I just KNEW I was in trouble the moment I spotted the term “white goo” after hitting submit. Gah.

Ididn’tdoitnobodysawmedoityoucan’tproveanything !

Is this going to turn into another goo-bashing thread ? Why did you have to mention that it was a WHITE goo ? How did the goo’s pigment make any difference ? I’m sick and tired of it being bad to bash races, sexual preferences, religions, etc… but o.k to bash up some goo who was minding their own business !

O.k, I’ll settle down know, and pour myself another drink :slight_smile:

[and if you missed that this was completely tongue-in-cheek, you need to get out more]

one word dragons breath, but seriously, is anyone feeding the birds in your neighborhood? I’ve seen people intentionally do that near a car thats owned by a person they’re fueding with…just a thought.

In which case we need to be mighty scared about a bird that unleashed its full, blackberry-fuelled fury over our car last autumn. Considering the volume of said deposit, I imagine it achieved vertical take off once its load was jettisoned.

You’ve got my sympathies. A college co-op I worked with once came out work to find his SUV covered in goose droppings. The cars on either side of his were pretty much untouched, and it only happened once, but it was not a pretty sight.


I remember as a fairly young kid (10 or so) one hot summer sitting on the roof of my house with a cousin catching a few rays. With our legs dangling over the edge (roof was flat) we chatted away.

A bird flew out of the tree next to us, over our heads, then…

*** SPLAT !!!***

the hugest, slimiest, glob of bird poop you’ve ever seen. Personally I think the damn thing exploded, but…

It had missed me by mere inches… phew!

I laughed myself into tears, she didn’t dare move or it would run down her leg more than what it already was beginning to. She began snivelling, whimpering and crying - begging for my help… I was paralysed with laughter. She even got so grossed out she threw up. I was kind though and eventually did go get a towel to clean her up with.

Funniest thing! Gawd I’m such a turd for laughing, but it was hilariously gross!!

Is there a way for you to string pennants above your car, like car dealerships do? That’s why they do it: so birds will stay out of that area. No, this is not a UL.

I believe you have my stappler.

Your Swinggline stappler?

Breathe deeply and become one with nature. Accept that birds defecate, copiously and at random. Become the bird. Fly with the bird to its nest. Defecate copiously on the bird’s nest, perhaps on the bird itself. Join the other birds in laughing at the bird of defecation. Kill the feathered son of a bitch and shriek in triumph. Glare at the other feathered bastards so they will know the penalty for defecating on your car. Breathe deeply and let your spirit return.

Or, buy a car cover.

What do you mean, shitless? Wasn’t there enough shit?

Anyway, Medium Sized Condor Dropping = band name

The last two times I’ve been shit on, it’s been beautifully timed direct hits on the top of my head. Both times, I’d just taken a shower and gone out to run errands; both times, I had to return home immediately to shower again, copiously disinfecting hands and head. I maintain these were deliberate, malicious acts, boldly perpetrated in broad daylight with many witnesses present to confuse any attempt at apprehension and punishment.
Bastards. I shall stapple alongside you, Brother Elvis.

One time my parents, two siblings and I were taking a ferry over some water, and my brother and sister and I went up on the highest deck to look around. My parents were standing next to our car on the bottom deck and we were watching about three dozen gulls circle about the boat when my sister makes a comment about bird poop. About thirty seconds later, all of a sudden my mom starts flailing around and my dad bursts out laughing. Consequently, all three of us started cracking up. Apparently right after my sister mentioned it, a bird crapped on her head.

I’m smart – the area I went to right away was covered. :smiley: