Been there. Divorced my whole family going on 5 years now. No contact, no regrets. I simply realized one day that anything good I’ve ever gotten or achieved in my life has been DESPITE them, not because of them. The only good thing I ever got from my dad was good teeth. The only good thing I ever learned from my mom was table manners.
Time to move on.
First off, Tucker … breath. You’re going to burn yourself out, man. Kalhoun is right … if the bank will allow, cancel the auto-pays. Then make YOU the priority in YOUR life. You’re working two jobs … going to school … trying to pay your bills … be proud of yourself … and remember this phrase, “I’m doing the best I can.”
It came to a point in my relationship with my mom and dad where that’s all I could say to them … “I’m doing the best I can.” For instance …
Them: “You haven’t called us in TWO WEEKS. Bob’s daughter lives 250 miles away and calls him everyday … my daughter lives ten minutes away and doesn’t even call me.”
Original response: “Dad, I’m working 40 hours a week, running my three step-daughters to every practice and lesson imaginable, doing the housework … all as my husband works 70 hours a week at a thankless job.”
New response: “I’m doing the best I can.”
Them: “Why haven’t you bought a house yet? Your dad provided me a house within a couple months of the wedding. What are you doing with your money? If you hadn’t bought that new computer, you’d be in your own HOME RIGHT NOW.”
Original Response: “Dad was in the military and you lived on base. Do you have any idea how long it takes to save 10% for a down payment? The computer was $500 clearance at Best Buy … and was the first new thing we’ve bought this year … it did NOT keep us out of a house …”
New Response: “I’m doing the best I can.”
SERIOUSLY, Tucker … some people will NEVER have a soft and cuddly relationship with their parents. You’ve got to detach for your own sanity. Say the magic phrase … then hang up. It’ll piss 'em off … maybe make things worse for awhile … but they WILL learn.
Best wishes -
Irish Rogue
I know where you’re coming from. I have a good relationship with my mother, except for the fact that the only way she can express worry for me is to nag, nag, nag about the stuff I’m not getting done.
Solution: because there’s a lot worth preserving in our relationship, I have only one answer to her. And it’s not “I’m doing the best that I can,” because I don’t have to justify myself to her in any way, shape, or form.
The answer is, “Mom, I’m a grown-up, and it’s my life, and I’m handling it. If you don’t like how I handle it, then please keep it to yourself. If you can’t do that, I will not be able to be around you anymore. That would upset me, but it would be necessary because when you nag me, you are not being helpful–you’re only hurting me.”
Then I really follow through with it, and stop talking to her when she gets like this. It’s worked so far. Often, this gets her to explain what she’s really worried about (i.e., that I might be suicidal again).
Using this technique to DRAW BOUNDARIES with my mother and other family members has really helped improve my relationship with them. Then again, maybe your relationship with your family is not worth saving. Only you can decide that. But if you decide to keep talking to them, I strongly recommend the “butt out” approach.
I completely agree with you Q.N. about setting boundaries … unfortunately, with my family, your answer would be WAY too many words! haha I’d get right about to “Mom, I’m a grown-up, and it’s my life, and …” before she interrupted me with an itemized list of what areas of my life needed improvement.
For me, saying “I’m doing the best I can” once or twice (and then hanging up if she continued nagging) was literally the best I could do. No matter how you say it, Tucker, Q.N. is right … “butt out” may be the best policy. 
Q: Why is it so easy for your parents to push your buttons?
A: Because they installed them!
LOL, you tried a simple “butt out” with your family yet, Irish Rogue? I’m usually not a fan of being rude, but I really have found that any of my “rationalizations” about how I conduct myself just encourages dear old Mom to keep on commenting.
“Butt out” sends the message that you refuse to hear it anymore.
And I’ll tell you what I’d do if I were in your situations: if they kept talking at me, I’d start laughing in a superior tone at their criticisms and say, “Listen, if you’re determined that we should share our opinions on how we each conduct our lives, I think you’re going to end up hearing some things you’d really rather not hear about yourself. People in glass houses, you know? So let’s change the subject.”
Again, though, that might be too many words. 
Oh, the most important part: you can’t say this like a whiny teenager.
Proper tone of voice–calm, collected, assured, confident, even stern–is everything.
AND SHE WOULDN’T GIVE IT TO ME!!!
Had to do it.
You got it. Had to remind my parents just a few months ago, when they were getting frantic about my long term unemployment, despite the fact that I’m not all that bothered by it (and not in danger financially - yet).
“Mom, I’m 41 years old, I’ve been taking care of myself for roughly 20 years. I’m not worried about it and you shouldn’t be either.”
“But I’m your mother. I’m going to worry.”
“Mom, I don’t want to hear it. You’re not helping me by panicking about it every time I speak to you. Please stop.”
“OK.”
Right, they’re gonna worry, but…
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO COME OUT AS NAGGING AND/OR CRITICISM?
That’s what I’ll never understand.
Unless Tuckerfan’s family is made up of a bunch of assholes, probably they’re worried about him. But do they really think that their criticism will somehow motivate him to miraculously make his life perfect overnight?
Been there.
Sounds to me like you’re an adult, since you’re working two jobs, paying off a dwelling, and apparently supporting yourself.
When I was in your situation, I told my family to go take a flying leap, and that I did not want to see them or communicate with them in any way.
They were naturally concerned, and asked why, so I told them I was tired of taking shit from them. As an adult, I was going to lead my life in any way I liked, be it as a wage-earner or a junkie in a jail cell, and if they didn’t like it, they could call the cops, hire a lawyer, and see if they could somehow obtain power of attorney… oh, they can’t? I’m not crazy, or a crook?
Then kindly go to hell, please.
It took some time, working to convince them I was serious. Couple years, in fact.
It worked out. But only after I made it clear I was prepared to be as big a jerk as they were about it.
Dunno if this would work for you. But it’s what it took for me.
(Interestingly, when I was in my mid-twenties, and my father was pushing fifty, he found himself working for an asshole. He told the asshole where to get off, and quit his job. No big deal. Lots of jobs for a man with his qualifications.
Within a week, HIS mother – my grandmother – had written him an extremely nasty letter, bitchin’ him out for daring to quit his job when he had a wife and children depending on him. It’s worth noting that Mom had a career of her own, and that Sis and I hadn’t lived at home or been financially dependent in any way for years…)
Man, I hope I don’t rag on MY kid that way…
Irish Rogue, I’ve tried the “I’m doing the best I can” approach in the past, the response I’ve gotten has always been, “No you’re not.” :rolleyes:
Kalhoun, I have the autopay because I tend to forget to pay my bills, even though I have the money in my account. I will not lose this place (festering shithole it may be) without a fight, so with autopay, I don’t have to worry that I’ve forgotten to mail the payment in.
featherlou, that’s a better compliment than I’ve gotten from my folks in decades, thank you.
The only reason I haven’t told my parents to get bent is that the only way I can get to class is thanks (and I have thanked them for it) to them loaning me one of their cars. They’re screaming, of course, that it’s a royal PITA for them, but they’re retired, and the car is five years old with 31,000 miles on it. Before my car died, I’d put 100,000 miles on her in just over 3 years.
When I mentioned getting two really dirt cheap cars (so that I’d have one to drive and one to keep in the shop) and they wouldn’t have to worry about loaning me their car, their response was, “That’s foolish. You’ll have double the insurance costs.” (Yes, but I won’t have to listen to you scream that I’m worthless when one of the cars dies and I have to drive the other one.)
hi tucker --a problem is only a problem if you worry about it.
something you might find useful; when youre having a "comversation" with any of your family,(or anyone else really) i can guess from what you say, that they ask the questions (accusations) and you have to answer them,(and justify your existence).--the conversation is being directed/controlled by the person who is doing the asking,and the one answering,(you mostly) is being dominated,or at least has to be defensive. time to turn the tables. every time they ask you a question, answer with a question. eg; "when are you going to do something about your money problems?" "why do you want to know?" "because im worried about you"
“how long have you been having these anxiety attacks?”
and so on…the point is,YOU are now asking the questions,and they are not setting the agenda for the conversation.
it`s simple,(and fun)—answer questions with questions (and a smile) try this “game” out with a friend, and see how the power goes with whoever is asking the questions. dont be angry or rude for best results. good luck… THE KID
Bleah - it looks like you have to put somewhat of a good face on it for the time being, then, if you’re borrowing a car. Of course, good parents would be glad to lend it to you while you need it, and ask what else they can do, but that’s beside the point. Oh well - someday you will be completely independent from these negative people so that you never have to do anything on their terms again.
Creosote Kid, that’s an interesting suggestion. I think I’ll try that with my older sister next time she grills me and puts me on the defensive about something that really is none of her business.
>>LOL, you tried a simple “butt out” with your
>>family yet, Irish Rogue? I’m usually not a fan
>>of being rude, but I really have found that
>>any of my “rationalizations” about how I
>>conduct myself just encourages dear old
>>Mom to keep on commenting.
haha … Q.N., things are much better now. It’s very rare when I have to put up that boundary and say, “Whoah, THAT is as far as you go.” It’s been at least a couple years …
My husband of ten years developed severe depression with crippling anxiety attacks about four years ago. He’s been in therapy/medication for a few years now and things are much better.
But in any case … a couple years ago, all I heard from my parents was … “Why doesn’t he LIKE us?” … “What have WE done to offend him?” … “I don’t know WHY he doesn’t like ME …” <sigh> I explained dozens upon dozens of times that he DOES like them but social situations are VERY difficult for him. I’ve invited them to our home many times (which they explain is his “safe zone”) and he’s always friendly and loving towards them … but every time they would invite us to some family get together, he’d have an anxiety attack, I’d go alone, and they would start in AGAIN!
Finally, on my birthday, my dad started in about, “I don’t know WHY he wouldn’t come out to eat … I don’t know WHAT I’ve done to offend him …” and … to put it mildly … I snapped.
I stood up and said, “This is NOT about you. It has NEVER been about you. I would LOVE for my husband to be here … as it’s MY birthday. You KNOW he has an anxiety disorder … he’s a WONDERFUL father … a GREAT husband … and if I can deal with this, by God YOU CAN TOO. If you say ONE MORE WORD, then I’m leaving.”
We dropped the subject … but, naturally, the rest of the evening was akward. 
I felt awful about it … and my mom called me later in the evening after I got home and apologized all over herself.
You’re right, Q.N., sometimes ya just got to stand up for yourself and say, “NO MORE.” And, things are much better now … I think my dad STILL thinks those things in his head … but he doesn’t nag at me anymore. haha