Her child is about 3 2/3 years old. Did she make a huge mistake, or is it not a big deal, as she claims? She also doesn’t go “#2” in the toilet.
Does her kid take herself off to bed when sleepy and sleep till an appropriate hour of the morning? If so, no big deal. Does she veg out in front of the TV till all hours and then act grumpy and out of control next day? More of a big deal.
The toilet thing is entirely unconnected, IMO. Kids of 3 having trouble with poos on the toilet is not all that uncommon, though most have got it by that stage.
As usual the Family Circus has already covered this
She was up at 11:30 last night, and is *way *out of control at times. She fights going to sleep, usually falls asleep on the couch or floor.
Your friend is in trouble
:eek:
I guess it’s good we broke up. I still feel for her kid. 
Her kid loves me too.
She has no discipline.
I think if your friend still isn’t going “#2” in the toilet, she has bigger problems than setting her child’s bedtime.
I’m clearly missing something. A bedtime…what?
What advise should I give to my friend about her daughter? She’s also late on speech, but she lives with her parents, and my friends father, (the child’s grandfather), thinks the speech therapist bothers her, (the little girl), too much, so he got her mother to stop the classes.
I’m sorry if I made mistakes wording my question. Is it harmful?
On top of that;
What might it lead to in the future? Does this child have any hope with the info you have?
Noun, not adjective. A bed time. A regular time to go to bed.
Since this is seeking personal opinions, it is better suited to IMHO than GQ.
Colibri
General Questions Moderator
Thanks. Sorry.
Don’t worry about minor writing mistakes. I just thought the way it came out was amusing, but I didn’t intend to be mean.
More seriously, the picture you are giving is a parent who isn’t giving the child any discipline whatsoever, even when it would clearly help the child. Yes, this is bad, and it may not be a problem you can solve. You could suggest she start doing the hard, less pleasant side of parenting. You could suggest she take parenting classes. You could point out examples of good parenting when you see them elsewhere. You could enlist the help of her father, or (if the child is truly in danger) the authorities. How likely is the friend to listen to you, and to stick to it if she does listen?
The kid isn’t irretrievably broken, but the mom has set herself up for quite a struggle, and it sounds like the kid doesn’t have quite enough in the way of boundaries to teach her how humans live together in groups (like a family.)
This is one of those “avoid both extremes” issues. The kid isn’t going to willingly settle down while she has mom or the television around to entertain her. On the other hand, a parent can’t make a child sleep, as I’ve said time and time again. That’s a power struggle the child will win. Heck, I can’t make myself sleep when I’m not sleepy, how can I make a 2 year old do it?! On the other hand, if the child isn’t presented with a bedtime - not sleep time, but a bed time - especially if her mom is staying up with her or the TV is on, she’s unlikely to teach herself how to unwind and relax so that she can sleep.
In our house, there’s a very definite bedtime. Before bedtime, we get into pajamas, brush teeth, read a book, and the wee one gives everyone good night hugs and kisses. I take her to her bedroom, tuck her in, fill her water bottle (she likes to keep it next to her bed - it’s a sports bottle, so she doesn’t knock it over, and it only ever holds water, not milk or juice, which can rot the teeth), and then turn on a music CD, tuck her in, give her a few more kisses and hugs and then I turn out the light and close the door.
What she does after that, as long as she’s quiet and doesn’t disturb anyone else in the house, is up to her. Mostly she just goes to sleep, but sometimes she turns the light back on and reads a little bit first, sometimes she gets up and plays with lego, or draws, or plays with her stuffed animals in bed. Then when she’s tired, she goes to sleep.
So I’m teaching her the bedtime routine. I’m providing her with a soothing, comfortable place to sleep, and the understanding that after a certain hour, you don’t make a lot of noise and disturb other people (whether it’s the family or the neighbors). I get a couple of hours to spend with my SO before we go to sleep, which is good for *my *mental health.
So that’s my advice. Establish a bedtime routine to consciously and subconsciously signal the transition to a new mode of behavior, make the time after bedtime quiet private time, and at the same time don’t get too hung up on whether or not the kid is actually sleeping. In my experience, this is the most effective balance between the parents’ needs and the kid’s needs, and the most realistic way to teach children how to meet their needs without impinging on the rights of others.
If you think your friend would be open to it without feeling insulted, I *highly *recommend the book Parenting With Love and Logic, the only parenting book I’ve ever found worth a damn.
I agree. Certainly the kid needs to be toilet-trained by the time she is old enough for kindergarten. (And it’s a little scary that the mom is living with her parents and the kid is still this screwed up. I’d expect that even if the mother is clueless, the parents would have intervened. But perhaps they’re also clueless.)
Not to exaggerate, but it might be necessary for the OP to call Social Services on the family.
One, you know Kindergarten is a year and a half away, right? And that’s like a third again as long as this kid has been alive.
Two, what on earth would one say to social services? “There is this kid I know who doesn’t have a bedtime, and she misbehaves a lot and her mom doesn’t do anything about it. She’s slow to potty train, and a little speech delayed.” They are going to want to know if she’s safe, fed, and sheltered, and it sounds like this kid is.
Yes, but the mother (and the grandparents!) must be incredibly clueless and clearly need help, if not from social services.
BTW, I do realize that the kid isn’t old enough for kindergarten but my understanding is that the schools expect that kids have already learned something about reading and numbers by that time. I’ll bet that this kid is going to be unprepared in all sorts of ways. Do they still have Head Start programs? If so, that might help.
I have a friend who didn’t give her son a bedtime until he was about 4 1/2. She originally didn’t feel like it was a big deal, but eventually decided that A) once he started school he would have to get up earlier and B) she wanted some grown-up time in the evening.
Once she finally decided to give it a try, it was a struggle for about 3 days. Then he fell right into the routine and they are both much happier for it.