He’s smart, funny, kind and charming. He’s successful in his chosen field, which he loves, and he’s only in his (very) early twenties. And tonight, he showed me two long, not too deep, cuts on his chest. He said he’d rubbed salt in them.
He claims to like the sensation he gets from it, and he doesn’t want to stop. He talked to me about it for a while; he’d mentioned he’d done it before, but I figured it was part of his past. I didn’t freak, I just asked him about it; why he did it, what it felt like.
I don’t know what to do in this situation. I know the answer should be to encourage him to get help, but I can’t imagine him actually getting help.
I know there are people on here who’ve dealt with this problem. Is there anything I can do as a friend to help?
Yep.
I have a dear friend who is an ex-cutter. Mine was a haevy cutter in her teens and early twenties (wrists, forearms, and breasts). She has long since stopped, been ten years since she “grew” out of the practice. I’ve talked with her at length about it, and at the time she didn’t really see at as anything unusual or out-of-the-ordinary, it was purely an exploration of sensation for her. She did say that it was the way that she coped with stress at the time, cutting herself made her aware of her own fragility and mortality, and let her (in her own weird way) reassure herself that she alone had ultimate control of her life. It ended up being (in retrospect) a healthy outlet for her anxieties and (she tells me) was very important to her in building her sense of self esteem and her individuality. There was the typical stuff mixed with it though (rebellion, shock factor) but mostly it was her trying to find out who she was. She grew out of it very healthy (although with a lot of scars of course) and no longer does it.
You might look at whether your friend is doing this as experimentation, or out of a destructive urge…that would be an important sign as whther this is bad or just a “phase”…
Personally, I think in most cases it is analogous to piercing and tattooing which are (in essence) also acts of self-mutilation. Like anything else, it can be innocuous…or signs of deeper problems.
Speaking as one who has done/does this, there isn’t much you can do as a friend. Just show that you are there for him. You can’t try to tell him to stop, because that will only make him do it more. It’s the lure of the forbidden. However, from what you say if the cuts are not too deep then it’s usually not a very big problem.
Thanks. That’s good to know. I thought as much, actually. He’s pretty well-balanced over all, and pretty well in touch with himself.
I did try something weird, though. When we were talking about it this evening, I told him that the next time he cuts himself, I’d like to watch. I was curious as to his reaction, and as it turned out, he was pretty surprised. He asked why I would want to see such a thing, and I asked if it was stranger than doing it to start with. So he’s considering it.
I’m kind of hoping that having someone observe will take some of the impact away, and make it less attractive to him.
Meantime, whether that happens or not, I’m reassured by your comments. For him it seems to be a complex adrenaline rush, so I’d say he’s on track with both the experiences described so far.
shit, shit, shit, shit.
There are many cutters on this message board; they have publicly shared both the good times and the bad in their lives.
I refuse to give you a list of screen-names to search, but I’m sure that if the issue is personally relevant to you rather than one of those voyeuristic questions we all ask from time to time, you can find any legitimate info on this subject you are seeking through the SDMB search engine.
Let me give you a starting point - about.com has many fora devoted to specific mental health issues. They also have a more than adequate search engine.
I refuse to give you a list of screen-names to search, but I’m sure that if the issue is personally relevant to you rather than one of those voyeuristic questions we all ask from time to time, you can find any legitimate info on this subject through the SDMB search engine.
yeah, I know mods, I’m being anally retentive…
I too have recently begun to explore this avenue. Mine however is not healthy, and what has helped me to really cut back on it is to have people who tell me that they are concerned about it.When a nurse in health services and a good friend of mine both asked that I talk to them before cutting, it has made me think very hard before making to move forward to do it. I would rather not face the embarassment of telling them what I’m doing than enjoy the release of feelings it brings.
I’m not a doctor of any sort, so take my opinions with as much salt as you find necessary, but I think you may have made a good move by asking to watch. If you are there, you can express concern if it goes too far, and you may make him realize that it isn’t a good thing to do. You will also be able to observe his emotional state when he does such things. Which I think is key at this stage. It is very easy for him to tell you that he isn’t having emotional problems, but it will be easier for you to see the truth for yourself if you can watch him do it.
And for what its worth, I don’t think self mutilation can ever really be a healthy thing to do. (Other than piercings and tattoos which on some level have a larger motivation of beautification whether you agree with their beauty or not.)
Hi there,
I’m an ex-cutter and i’d like to direct you to this site - it’s got tons and tons of very helpful information and resources on self-injury and advice for friends/family of people who self-injure. It helped me enormously. It’s good of you to be concerned for your friend and this site may give you an insight into some of the motivation behind his actions. However, as always, how your friend feels is personal to him - despite having a good job and people who love him, there’s something going on with him and it may take time for him to find out what it is and to deal with it. I know it’s a very hard thing for many people to understand and can be upsetting and occasionally disturbing for friends to see, but i think the best thing you can do for him is to really listen to him and find out whatever you can about self-injury yourself.
Take care.
Fran
Though I know you can’t stop him from doing it, try to encourage him to stop, since before he knows it, he’s gonna get physically addicted to it, and may not be able to stop. I speak from experience as a former self-injurer. That adrenaline rush I believe is partially from the endorphins that get released after a person hurts themselves, and people like feeling that rush, that they will continue to do it more often, and possibly deeper, to get the same rush that he had previously once his body develops a tolerance for it.
Hope the two of you get through it.
I’ve done it and still do, on occasions, although not as frequently as I used to.
I dunno, I just kinda like the sensation. What can I say? I don’t think I’m mentally ill.
You can’t do anything unless he wants to get help. The best way to do that is to convince him there’s something wrong with it. However, that can be extremely hard; of the “cutters” I’ve met, very few think of it as something destructive.
Although I can’t find a cite for it, a psychologist told me that cutters are at a much higher risk for suicide, so I suggest at least talking to him about it rather than ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away. Your current approach (asking to watch) will likely make him feel uncomfortable, and, as cutting is an outlet for pent-up emotions, this could lead indirectly to aggravating the problem. I hope someone else can provide ideas for actually accomplishing something with him.
I think V&D is right, while I can hope that wanting to watch would be helpful, there is a strong possibility that it won’t be. I know that sometimes I want to cut out of spite against those who don’t want me to.
And since I haven’t said it yet, although I’m sure others have, I think you should encourage your friend to talk to a health professional or a counselor of some kind. Help him understand that talking to a professional does not indicate that anything is necessarily wrong, but that it can be good for people who are generally well balanced in their life as well as those with troubles. It can be very dangerous to play psychologist to a friend with problems, especially one who seems so good as disguising his problems. He needs to talk to someone with experience, who can help him open up and share what is bothering him, and who can recognize his symptoms more clearly than you.
And it bears being said (again, if it already has been) that you are a wonderful friend mrvisible! As long as you are caring for your friend, and expressing your concern to him, you are helping him. I wish everyone could have such friends (including me!). Good luck.
Okay I would like to point out that legally you have an obligation to get your friend help. But that isn’t always the best thing.
I think that for the most part people cannot be helped unless they want help. Usually cutters are people who do have deeper insecurities and fears. In my opinion the best way you can give your help is to (without over doing it) make your friend feel special, let him know how important he is to you and everyone else…
In my past I"ve had some experiances in this area and the solution came through meditation and such… but that was just in this person’s situation I"m not saying that it would work everytime.
And that is my Two cents… think what you will of it.
And good luck with your friend. 
I hope for the best.