I know what you have all said is so true, and don’t worry I will go, its just going to be a very frightening time leading up to the admission.
I’m not sure if I’ll have internet access while I’m away but I really hope so, I would really miss you guys otherwise.
My appointment about it is on April 23rd, and if they agree I am motivated enough for the programme I will then go and visit the hospital and then be put on the waiting list for the bed. So there could be another 3month or so wait after that. My CPN (community psychiatric nurse) went on holiday today until April 2nd, and my C.A.T (Cognitive Analytical Therapy) comes to an end the week after next so there are changes happening which is a bit unsettling but makes me realise it is a good time for the hospital. The hospital is actually in a very nice location- its right next to the beach. I think my parents are quite excited about visiting a new town.
That is fantastic advice, thank you. And so very true. Perhaps I should do that bungee jump too this summer
Thank you. They get scared at night sometimes okay? And Herbert, the big grey one, likes brussel sprouts otherwise he gets grumpy.
I’m trying to write a pros and cons list to help me go, its helpful to write everything out. One of my best friends has asked me to go travelling with her in the autumn. We want to go to Hong Kong, New Zealand, Australia, the Pacific Islands, and San Francisco, and I really want to be well enough to go. It is an amazing goal to have.
Thank you again for the encouragment, it really does help.
Go! Go and be well! I’m a little jealous - not of your eating disorder, but of the opportunity to spend 3 months in a place dedicated to helping you improve yourself. I think we could all benefit from that.
And I just want to say thanks for loving your daughter. It does more good than you will probably ever know.
Hippos, life begins the moment we decide to do something that terrifies us. I know this from experience. Your fear is telling you that you’re moving in the right direction (I know, isn’t that weird? I generally find that to be the case, though, especially for us more, um, neurologically diverse folks.)
As far as the environment, let us assume for a second that the place is filled with competitive, bitchy women… if there is just one that is like you, who just needs a friend, who will understand you better than anyone because she’s been there, well wouldn’t it be worth it? I’d say the odds are pretty good you’ll find at least one person to depend on. And if they all really seem no good for you, you could pull an ANTM (America’s Next Top Model) and say, with attitude, while mugging for the camera, ‘‘I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to overcome my eating disorder, ok? So all you haters better just step off.’’
Huh. Well that’s fewer sprouts I’ll have to eat, I guess.
(I know there’s a hungry, hungry hippo joke in here somewhere, but I just can’t go there, sorry.)
Good luck, dear. We’ll be here when you get back. {{Hippos}}
Maybe a list with Short Term goals and Long Term Goals. I don’t know your age, so I’m averaging out that you are 18.
Short term would be the above trip. Because to work very hard to get into a good mental state for this trip is excellent. New places, sites and foods are always wonderful and you can test your resolve with your food issues in a neutral territory…but what happens after you come home from the trip? With nothing planned or even on the horizon, you could easily slip back into negative patterns and that is bad.
Long term would be, say, To graduate from college and find a career in your feild, become filthy rich and support your parents in a lifestyle of disgusting and shameful luxury. (Hi ninetothesky! )
Hobbies are also important. Something that gives your brain a burst of comfort and contentment (reading/knitting/collecting thingies/theater/music/etc.), akin to sunshine distracts the dark side of your brain from the Negative Electric Shitstorm that likes to control a HUGE part of your life.
Educate yourself on what your eating disorderis*. Only when you know the enemy, and you are honest with yourself, then you can defeat it.
Keep us posted!
*I’ve picked the two biggies, you don’t have to divulge.
Wow. I am so stunned, they are such beautiful replies, thank you. When this thread dies down I am going to print it off to put in my journal so that I can reread it when I am feeling scared.
I honestly didn’t write the OP expecting much of a response, I wrote the first post when I was having a really bad day and wanted to get my thoughts off my chest. I know I haven’t been using the dope for very long and so haven’t made much of an impact here, and so to have such lovely encouraging replies touches me beyond belief. Really-thank you.
Yes that is very true thank you. The reason I am so wary of making friends in hospital again is because of the problems I have had with the two friends I made in my previous admission. The friendship became very unhealthy because they were formed around our problems and just turned into a mess that really upset me. I don’t want to go through that again. But then again, I may meet someone who is magical and will become a friend for life. If I don’t go I won’t know.
Wow thank you, that is so kind, thank you.
I am 24, so close ;). I wish I was 18 again. I got worried I spotted my first wrinkle earlier. It wasn’t a good moment! Mind you, I wouldn’t mind being 75. When I’m old I plan on eating as much as possible and sitting in a rocking chair doing lots of knitting for my lovely grandchildren on my veranda.
A list of short and long term goals is such a good idea. I haven’t done this for a while. It is time to update the list!..
Hippo’s Short Term Goals
(I’m thinking this is things I want to achieve in the next year)
To be able to maintain a stable weight that is healthy for my height.
To be on a standard care level rather than the enhanced high I’m on at the moment.
To have moved out of home again and be living in my own rented house or flat.
To want to have 3 normal meals a day, every day.
To enjoy running and the gym again rather than it being an obsession.
To enjoy a piece of my own Birthday cake in November.
To not want to throw up all my food
To be working full time, or as close to full time as possible as a Psychologist Assistant again.
To want to see and go out with my friends.
To be horse riding regularly again and not worry I won’t have the strength I need.
To not get nervous about seeing my boyfriend.
To be allowed to work for the NHS
To not worry my parents quite so much.
To not be in and out of ITU
To have regular periods.
To have travelled with my friend this autumn/winter.
To do a photography course with one of my best friends.
To make a difference to people. To help my friends, smile at people in the street, and give my family happiness rather than stress.
Hippo’s Long term goals
To do a Phd in Clinical Psychology and become a good psychologist, or maybe study medicine or nursing and become a doctor or nurse.
To marry my boyfriend and have three children called Isla Hope, Beau Green and Isabella Sapphire…he better agree on those names!
To be able to look after my beautiful parents in the best way possible.
To be healthy and bouncing along in life dealing with its ups and downs with healthy coping mechanisms.
To have written a book.
To travel to the Phillippines, Aus, NZ, around South America, South Africa, Madagascar, the Caribbean, California, Pacific Islands, Japan, Italy, and central America.
To ride a motorbike across America (east to west).
To trek in Peru, and climb Mt. Kilamanjaro.
Run the London Marathon and raise money for SWEDA and MIND.
To do more (psychological) research into motivation and self identity.
To own my own horse and compete regularly.
I want to have 2 dogs and two cats and a rabbit for my children.
To build my own house in the countryside, completely in the middle of nowhere.
To be completely independent financially.
To never stop giggling and smiling.
To be a genuinely kind and good person.
To be part of the change I want to see in the world (in the words of Ghandi).
Crikey thats quite a lot!? And I’m sure there are more to come.
Well of course this is important, but honestly don’t give him ideas. He has already suggested that it should go in my short term goals…he’ll be lucky. After finishing university my finances aren’t quite up to funding annual Caribbean cruises and weekend European city breaks.
I love that quote. It jumps off the page. I do have hobbies. I draw, paint, write, read, knit, cross stitch, horse ride, swim, and do yoga. But I want to be able to do them without thinking about food at the same time. That would be lovely!
Yes, definitely. I actually have EDNOS, because I have daily symptoms of both illnesses, and hate it with a passion at the same time as wanting to not let go. However, I haven’t seen a psychiatrist properly since last summer and things have changed since then.
Anyway I’ll stop blabbing on. I hope this isn’t too long…!
Why not give yourself a break, you know? That’s a pretty impressive list of goals, don’t get me wrong, but how about a short term goal of letting yourself off the hook a little bit? It’s all so scary, and it’s so hard to think about your problems by yourself all the time.
Why not take 3 months and say OK, let’s let some of this be somebody else’s job to worry about? I know with myself, at least, I like to pretend that I’m better than all that, that I can just do it all myself, and that’s mostly because I have this stupid idea that the stuff that goes on in my head is me. And, you know, I am what I am, and nobody else knows me like I do, so I’ll just handle my problems (with me it’s pretty severe anxiety) on my own. Like if somebody’s helping me, that means I can’t do it, and that means I’m broken. My brain has that thought, and I decide that it must be true.
But my brain isn’t me any more than my foot is me. It’s just a thing that does a job – I don’t have to listen to it all the time. Sometimes it’s wrong and it makes things hard for me. Especially when it tells me that being afraid to do things is the natural way, and that I’m anxious about things because I should be. The best thing I can do for myself sometimes is to separate what I feel from what I know is best, and say to myself, Whatever, brain, you bastard, it’s hard and I have some negative thoughts running around, but I have some positive ones, too, and I’m doing it.
It’s actually easier that way, if you think about it. Because you’ll only have to decide to go once, but if you don’t go, even though you think it’s for the best, that will be true for a lot longer.
(It’s also a lot easier to give this advice than to actually do it, but you know why that is? Because the smart part of my brain is the one that thinks about other people’s problems. That’s how people work sometimes – very easy to be smart about other people’s problems because we aren’t all caught up arguing with our own feelings. That’s why it’s such a good idea to look for help).
Well, that is a good idea, but I feel as though I have been doing that for the past year and a half. Originally I gave myself a year ‘‘off’’ from my life, work, etc, to just deal with my problems and be me. But now that year is spiraling into its second year and I’m worried if I don’t start pushing myself soon to stop thinking about myself I’m going to be a drop out loser and either dying or never doing anything with my life. There has to be an end point to all of this otherwise I’ll drive myself crazy. If I’m going to go into hospital soon I need life long goals, and short term goals, to hold onto while im there to keep myself sane.
I hear what you are saying though and I understand where you are coming from. It isn’t easy.
This is a really good goal. I’ve always had regular periods and I never realized how much of a blessing it was until I made friends with women who had no idea when or if they were going to be on the rag. It’s funny, but if you manage to sync up with the moon cycle, which I have, you might feel that woman-power-connection thing. (I read Still Life with Woodpecker when I was 14 and now hang out with a lot of pagans, so YMMV on the moon cycle/woman connection thing.)
Your hippo Herbert who needs sprouts to be happy was the internet equivalent of smiling at me in the street. It made smile for sure.
I’m excited for you! I saw a special once on a UK ED in-patient care house, and while there was some competitiveness, it all seemed really played up for the “plot” of the documentary- in general the women were supportive of each other and the staff was incredibly kind.
For your Australia and New Zealand holidays, there’s this food blogger, Not Quite Nigella, who has a lot of restaurant reviews for both nations. If you know what cities you are going to, and it’s healthy to figure out in advance where you want to eat, she’d be a good place to start.
Beautifully put, and truly learning to be rational in this way and not always trust my thoughts/emotions as Ultimate Truth had a tremendous impact on my life and my ability to function.
Hippos, I took two years off from life starting in 2005… after being hospitalized in 2002 and spending years trying to force myself to get through undergrad, I was broken down to the point of non-functioning. Giving myself some space was the best decision I ever made. I started CBT therapy and just focused on holding down a part-time job and learning to get out the door every day whether I felt like it or not. Some skills, like basic self-care (bathing, brushing teeth, eating 3 meals a day) I had to relearn, others (like loving myself) I had to learn for the first time. I returned to college in 2007, graduated With Honors and have done nothing but thrive ever since. I now have my pick of the top grad schools in my field and I am 100% confident that I will meet my career goals and develop a professional identity rooted in the empathy my experiences have gifted me with. Believe it or not, some day you might see your suffering as ideal, because you will learn to love yourself and your ability to persevere will be one of your many reasons for liking who you are.
It’s weird, I’m at the point in my life where I consider even the very bad things that happened to me to reflect my incredible fortune. I was lucky to suffer long and early because it makes the rest of life so much easier. So many people take for granted the ability to get out the door in the morning, to step on a train or bus or climb behind the wheel of a car and face the day. I never take that for granted. The most mundane things in my life are miracles as a result.
I owe a great deal to Behavioral Activation and CBT, to Buddhism and to finally realizing all the little ways in which my own thoughts and behaviors made me sicker. I just realized one day that even though I was a victim for the first 17 years of my life, I was now, as an adult, victimizing myself. I spent the first 23 years of my life absolutely miserable… you couldn’t have convinced me then that I would be so happy now, as I had no reason to believe anything would ever change for me. But it did, and I’ve found my peace. I live with chronic PTSD but it gets better all the time. I tell you this because you need to know it is possible, in fact quite probable, that you will get through this, and the more committed you remain to the hope that treatment can offer, the more successful you will be.
I don’t, thankfully, suffer from either anxiety or OCD, but I do take citalapram and have diazepam which helps control suicidal ideation and the attempts.
Thank you, its a scary one because they really freak me out. I didn’t have them for 9years, then had one for a year solid, and then have gone back to not having them at all, but it is important to regulate them for my bones-i have osteoporosis.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me, I was very touched. You offer such good, genuine advice, you obviously have learnt and taken so much from your experiences. It is a great inspiration to keep going. Thank you
This is another good reason to get your menstrual cycle regulated & be healthy in general.
Hippos, I don’t think we’ve ever interacted on the board before, but I just wanted to tell you that there is a 32 year old woman in South Carolina, USA rooting for your healthy, happy future.
Reading this thread really touched me. I’d also be glad to send you snail mail if you don’t have internet access at the facility. Feel free to PM me for my e-mail address.
My own struggle has been with depression. I am grateful to be able to tell you that medication and wonderful friends and family saw me through a dark time in my life. You can do this - there are more of us in your corner than you may realize.
Or you won’t. My sister is a graduate of an alcoholic treatment center. And eventually she too realized the relationships she formed there were toxic. You know what, that’s ok, too. You need to make sure your best friend is yourself. If you go and become better friends with yourself, that is as worthwhile. (She also took a long time and was sober for quite a while before AA became a supportive place for her - for the first few months it was “dry drunks talking about how much they missed drinking” - not what she needed. Eventually she was healed enough to be able to hear other things in what they were saying and now goes to AA meetings all the time.)
She didn’t recover after that stay, but it did help her lay the groundwork so that when she did hit bottom a year later, she had a tool set to stay sober - almost a year now.
