In a month I have an appointment with an eating disorder specialist about going to an eating disorder hospital that is on the other side of the country.
I have a month to decide what I want to say and how much I really want to go. It feels like one of the biggest decisions I have ever had to make.
It is an amazing opportunity. My county only has one eating disorder bed (in this hospital, there are no beds or specialist hospitals nearer) and so it has never even been possible to think about going to a specialist unit before.
I would be away for a minium of 3months, and would have to gain 2-3 stone.
I want to make the most of this opportunity so much, I just wish I didn’t have to gain weight, go away from my home, and be in hospital again (I was in a psych hospital for 8months in 2007). I wish there was a way I could do this at home and stay out in the community.
There is so much, however, that I want from my life right now that the eating disorder is stopping me from having. I want a life for a start.
I can’t describe how terrifying this is though. Because deep down I don’t want to go. I don’t want to let go of my eating disorder because it keeps me safe and happy. I don’t want to be in an environment with nine other extremely ill girls where competitiveness and perfectionism contribute towards a very bitchy atmosphere. I don’t want to be seen as ‘the fat one’. I don’t want to go in and never be able to leave, to become scared of the real world.
I need to go while I am the one choosing to go and not being sectioned and having to go, that is scary too. I know things aren’t good at the moment, even if in some ways it feels like they are because I’m in a bubble.
Everyone is telling me to go. But does that mean it is the right thing to do?
You have to go, hippos. If you don’t, you’ll never learn that this quote is the disease lulling you into complacency. It does NOT keep you safe and happy. It is killing you. That’s the disorder’s only goal. It does not love you or help you love yourself. It wants to kill you. Do not indulge it. Go and do what you have to to get better. Three months gone is nothing compared to how gone you’ll be if you don’t give up those three months.
If it’s a comfort, I had a friend who spent several months at a a live-in facility for girls with eating disorders, and she seemed to have a great time. She made several friends-for-life there (or at least, friends for the twelve years since she was there).
You may have had other, very different experiences in institutional settings, but it isn’t necessarily going to be bad.
In-patient treatment can be incredibly effective in helping you get your feet under you as you change paths in life. Although I don’t have an eating disorder, I am an alcoholic/addict, and did a month in an in-patient program to get me started on the road of recovery – a road I have now been on, clean and sober, for more than 23 years.
You’ve tried being home and working on it, why not try the inpatient program and working on it? It does sound like a great opportunity to get an intensive program going to help you move forward.
You don’t want to continue to spin your wheels, you want to move forward.
I think it sounds like going to this place would be a good step for you to take. If you are worried about being so far from home, I bet some of the Dopers would be willing to send you cards and stuff like that to keep you from feeling alone.
My 12 year old cousin in France is anorexic and it almost killed her. Eating disorders are not your friend. Please take the offer of quality help and beat that disease.
This could be the start of it. Honey, when you are drowning, grab on to the rope. The next one might not come around. You only get one chance at your life–please take the step to making it a healthy and long one.
Please go, Hippo. I have an aunt who had an eating disorder, and it ruined her marriage and her health (she was married to my uncle, they divorced, and then remarried each other–they’re very happy). She’s a happy person now, but with lingering health problems. So, go, and be healthy. I wish you the best.
My mum always said that if doing something scares you, then you should absolutely do it. And she was right.
What a fantastic opportunity for you! And yeah, three months sounds like a really long time, but it’s a drop in the ocean compared to the rest of your life.
Think about that, Hippos, YOUR LIFE. You know, that thing that has been put on hold whilst your brain wrapped itself around this illness you have. Reclaim it back, dammit, it’s yours and you deserve to have it.
I too have been a patient in a rehab facility, 18 years ago. It was exactly what I needed to start down my new road.
I understand the feeling of wanting to do it yourself, or not needing help. Here’s what I heard early on- your best thinking got you right where you are now- how’s that working out for you? My answer- oh crap, not so well…
Being “the fat one” isn’t the end of the world. It’s better than being “the mean one” or “the stupid one”. I know that’s hard for you to realize right now, but it’s true.
I had to look up the conversion to find that 2-3 stone is 28-41 pounds. If you’re at the point you need to gain that much weight then you very much need to join this program.
Just know that all of us will be supporting you from here and looking forward to hearing of your success.
