Or proctalgia fugax, anismus, or puborectalis syndrome. (These names would at another time crack me right the fuck up.) Why it needs three names I do not know.
I’ve had near-constant pain and discomfort just inside my ass for a couple weeks. As many of you may know, there is nothing worse than a hypochondriac with something actually wrong with them. So I’ve been OMG CANCER AAHHHHHHH for a while now. You know, where you sit bolt upright at night in a cold sweat. That sort of stuff.
Went to the doc, assumed the position, he sez he can’t see anything. Sends me to the colorectal surgeon. Who is a she. I am a he. A middle-aged he who is embarrassed about anything to do with his asshole anyway, now I got to show it to a, you know, girl. Rats.
She goes up in me and hits the spot. Yipe! OK, not to worry, she sez, and proceeds to ask if I am under any stress. Hells yes, I say, we’re broke, I’m in school with no job, etc. etc.
So she sez that essentially that round muscle right there (she is showing me an asshole chart on her iPhone) right behind the puckered starfish is in spasm. Like if you get a knot in your shoulder, or a headache. It is a reaction to stress. Apparently I’m carrying my stress in my asshole. There isn’t much to do about it, take a bunch of baths and try to relax. It should go away in a couple two three weeks.
First thing when I get home is: gotta tell the Dope. Fighting ignorance and all. I just got whacked in the shoulder because I explained to my wife that after 17 years of telling her she is a pain in my ass I now have medical proof.
Somehow my real migraine that started late last night and has been bothering me ever since isn’t quite so bad. Sure, my head is throbbing and I’m not real fond of bright light, but my butt isn’t killing me.
I get that every so often - it hurts like hell! We’re talking stop-you-in-your-tracks-double-over-and-try-not-to-fall-down hurts like hell, at least sometimes. The rest of the time it just hurts a lot.
But it goes away after a bit, so I’ve never bothered to ask about it. A hot bath does help.
The doc said some massage therapists offer anal massage. I wonder how many of them are named Bunny.
No constipation, eleanor. In fact, the anointing has been flowing just fine in conjunction with all this. Releasing the hounds has rarely been easier. So I guess deciding that bottoms up is for me after all, Mama, wouldn’t be a problem.
I know you’re being jocular, but I’ve had an MD who specializes in spine and postural issues recommend that I get a series of massage therapy on my pelvic floor. She then proceeded to ask whether I’d prefer a male or female provider.
Y’see, in order to be effective, the massage needs to happen from the inside.
So I’m thinking Hmm…okay, on the one hand that’d be a kind of awkward with a female…on the other hand…err…smaller fingers.
So it’s a choice between :eek: and :o
I’m still mulling over whether to get that particular treatment.
