One thing led to another and the most beautiful Ethiopian maid in the compound moved in with me two weeks ago. I did little to encourage her. I behaved decently towards her and did my best not to lead her on.
She went to visit her sister for the past two nights. I realized it was like a vacation not having her around. My heart is still broken by my wife leaving me a few months ago.
(In addition, my physical frailties do not allow me to “function as a man.”)
I picked her up this evening and told her we will now sleep in separate beds. Our language barriers are such that few words of comfort or even explanation eased her pain. She got quiet and sobbed from the heart, in an honest and painful way. It crushed me.
I swear I will never break a heart again. I know how it feels. I will live as a singleton forever.
Agreed. An ass would have simply let her become more and more wrapped up in her feelings, took advantage of that, and then ditched her when the minuses started outweighing the benefits.
Instead, you, let her down as gently as possibly and before she could wade any deeper into it.
Although I read these boards several times each day, I rarely feel compelled to post. Your OP though, well, I feel I must.
Your sensitivity brought tears to my eyes. What a deep-hearted soul you are to regret the pain she feels and yet understand why your actions had to be taken.
You write that your “physical frailities do not allow you to function as a man.” In the physical sense, that may be true. However, I think because your heart was broken and now you’ve broken hers, that you truly understand how fragile a heart is-- and how much love (unrequited or no) hurts.
Someone will probably come along and post something much more eloquent but I just wanted you to know that your hurt touched me. I’ll be thinking of you.
Paul, while you may not be able to physically function as man, you’re more of a man than any other man I’ve met. Okay, so I’m only fourteen-going-on-fifteen and I haven’t met any men yet, but you know what I mean. You didn’t take advantage of her and her feelings. You tried not to lead her on. You were sensitive to her feelings. You put her before yourself. You’re not a jerk. If you had taken the relationship farther and then “broke her heart”, then you’d be a jerk. We all love you.
1) Take at least a week to wallow in self-pity. I am a great believer in wallowing in self-pity. Get it out of your system.
2) I don’t know what you mean by “my physical frailties do not allow me to function as a man,” but unless you are paralyzed from the eyebrows down and are totally lacking in imagination (both of which I know are not true), that is far from a deal-breaker for a lot of women. Me included, were I still on the market.
Paul, I’m honored to know such a considerate man. You know that you made the right decision. I believe we can learn something from everyone that crosses our path and every situation that we have to endure. Embrace those lessons as you go through life and you’ll be a better person for it.
Paul, I can only reiterate what others have said here. You are not an ass. You sound like a good sort of fellow to me. And read what Eve said one more time.
You did a very honorably and noble thing - you are a gentleman. One of few left in the world.
I’m sorry to hear of your hurt - both in regards to your own suffering and hers. A human being who was not noble would not be able to appreciate or feel the pain of others.
Did you, um, tell her “you can’t move in with me”? Because, you know, that probably would’ve gone a long way toward the not-encourage, no leading on thing.
I agree that you have done the right thing. If it would not have worked in the long run, you would only have put off the inevitable and made the pain worse for both of you down the road. It is far better to minimize the hurt to everyone involved, even though it feels wrong at the time. I know many people (my self possibly included) who would not have had the courage to do what you did. You are a true gentleman.
Thank you all for the kind words. I certainly do not feel worthy of them.
Onan is stressed out. Sohie spent the night on the couch in the living room. I turned off the light about midnight and put a blanket over her. She is curled in the fetal position.
When Sophie returned from her country (from the Ramadan/Eid vacation) she came here and had no place else to stay. From my (innocent, I thought) comments on her beauty, she seems to have thought I was making her an offer. Frankly, at the time I thought she was forcing herself on me, and that feeling is still part of the equation.
I now need to get up and make breakfast. She will wake up and things will be awkward.