Quasi, coming from someone who’s been on D’s side of the bed, you’re probably better off dropping it with her. By “giving” her permission, then making a fuss with her choice, you’ve put her in a no-win spot. It sounds like she’s already made her decision. Accept it as she accepts you.
She loves you, Dude…don’t fight that!
I would prefer that you behave in line with the most basic rule of the SDMB, “don’t be a jerk.” I understand that you feel like you and Quasi have a relationship where your comments are acceptable. It isn’t my job, though, to keep track of who can and who can’t lob rough and apparently jerkish remarks at each other, it’s my job to keep things more or less civil.
Whether it is or isn’t okay with Quasi that you act like an asshole, it’s not okay with me.
Knock it off.
twickster, MPSIMS moderator
Honestly, I think I can relate to your wife more than I can to you in this situation. Although my mother did not have Alzheimer’s she did have a type of dementia prior to her death, and my husband is physically disabled with depression. So I understand the caretaker role.
Look, I didn’t ask for any of that. It’s not fun. But it is something I can do for someone I love. For my mother, the icky parts at the end were, in a sense, a gift - I was able to give her what she needed when there was simply nothing else anyone could do for her. For my husband, I expect to outlive him and that things will get worse, yet I still love him and will stand by him.
I think your permission was a very generous offer of release to your wife, however, it may not be what she needs. If you’ve given someone permission to leave and she chooses to stay she has made her choice - and apparently that would mark the third time she has made such a choice (two weddings and a “don’t be silly”). She is doing what she wants in regards to you and you’ll just have to accept that yes, she DOES love you that much.
Keep in mind, too, that although you have changed you are still “you” at this point. We are all aware that further down the line there is a real possibility that “you” will no longer be there, your body will be a shell largely empty of your personality. I am assuming that what you fear is that she will feel shackled to an empty shell - if I am wrong do tell me. Now, what she will feel and do when that day comes even she can not say right now, but you have expressed your feelings on the subject. As someone who has had to bury loved ones, and some quite recently, it has always been easier for me if I knew the person’s wishes, desires, and opinions whether I agreed with them or not.
I’m sure most of us have known or heard about people whose spouses are in a vegetative or severe demented state who have gone on to other relationships while the ill spouse is still alive. Such relationships do raise ethical issues, of course. You have given your wife permission to take care of her needs as well as your own should that awful day ever arise. As I said, that is extremely generous and understanding on your part - but it is up to her whether she ever acts on that or not. Whether you understand it or not, right now she has a need to remain faithful to you, regardless of how much you can or can’t do for her.
Quasi, I sympathize with you, but since this is supposed to be about your *wife *and *her *feelings, I’m relating to her, and encouraging you to try to do the same.
If I marry someone who I know had Alzheimer’s, bet your ass that I’ve thought it through, and I’m IN it for the long haul. By pushing this issue, you question your wife’s love, her commitment, her decisions, and ultimately her character. It’s insulting. Cut it out.
Quasi, stay cool. What I’m trying to say is that we know you’re going batshit. The problem is, when you start focusing on how batshit you’re going, it gets worse. Don’t keep thinking about how batshit you’re going. Stop doubting everything people say to you. Your wife loves you. Stop doubting you’re good enough for her, accept her love for you, and let her help you.
Of course, part of the problem is that you can’t trust yourself enough to do that either.
So basically? Stop obsessing over it, because you don’t have any control. What happens will happen, do your best, and enjoy the moments you have. Don’t try to ruin it for yourself.
I came in to echo what E-Sabbath said.
I was a caregiver to someone I loved for a long time, someone who was less than ‘all there’ a lot.
You need to dial back the need for drama, in my humble opinion. Keep working it, and you will become insufferable to those around you, in surprisingly short order. You will become whatever you fear, so drop the fear. You can’t control this any more than you can control your wife’s affections. (And it is seriously offensive that you would try!)
Whatever is coming for you, is coming for you. Nothing can change that. Trying to make it ‘better’ by providing for eventualities that may not manifest isn’t helpful to you or to anyone else.
Your job is to ride the ride. Relax, breathe deeply and be the best ‘you’ that you can. That’s it. Everything else is just going to create drama and upset people and work against you in the end.
You should be spending your time learning to unattach. Go with the flow. Just smile, even if it doesn’t make sense. That will truly ease the suffering of those around you regardless of what lies ahead.
(By the way, plenty of people DO understand, insisting they can’t is all about…drama!)
Just my opinion, how you’re not offended by it.
Quasi, I know this is tough. I’ve watched family members go through similar situations, and it was bad. I agree with Twix here: your wife signed up for it again. Give her a hug and tell her thank you. When the depression hits hard, crawl in your hole, but when you’re feeling kinda okay, give her another hug.
Done.
Agreed. Quasi, let her love you, and make it a plan to hug her every day, no matter whether you feel like it or not.
As difficult and frightening as your circumstances are, you are lucky to be loved so well. You must have done something right.
Thanks for the responses. Somehow I knew that would be what you’d write, but right now, I still have “presence of mind” enough to know when I have to go farther into that “tunnel”, she can’t go with me, and I wanted her to have someone with her who can care for her the way I won’t be able to.
It seemed the “right thing to do”, but like y’all, she ain’t goin’ for it.
Thanks!
Q
Oh, yeah. About Twicks?
The feeling is mutual. I know she and I have had our “rounds”, but she has a tough job, and I do respect that and her, and yes, I am fond of her as well, as I am of all of you!
Bill
Sir, you are a beautiful man and your wife is very privileged to have known you longer, and more intimately than we.
All the best.
Oakie,
I clicked on it, and that is the most anyone can offer a friend, and I am a friend you have yet to meet, which makes it all the more precious.
I think I remember you telling us you no longer fight in WoW, but if you ever decide to come back, please write Wolkenlaufre a note? I’m 100% sure he’d get your back!
Thanks, Bro, and even though I have yet to post about it, the bankruptcy went okay (saw some guys in overalls!), but I think I still have that arrogant, “know it all” look about me, which caused that “hearing” guy to scrutinize me a bit closer than any of the others.
Anyway, even though I have not receieved an “official” notification that my debts have been discharged, I know that they have, and I have you and my other Doper friends to thank for that!
Thanks, “T” (I remembered;))
Bill
Yes, Quasi, you’re still here. That really is the important thing! You’re still around, and your wife wants to spend whatever time you have left with YOU! She loves you. Yes, it’s hard to see someone through Alizheimer’s (my great-aunt currently has it and my great grandma had it) but you’re STILL around German Boy!
My current (serious, almost my wife) girlfriend and I are still young, but I know if I or she were diagnosed with something like this, I would want to spend as much time with her as possible.
Quasi, I never had any kind of geeky relationship with you like a bunch of these other kids have, but I honestly hope you find some kind of help that works for you.
I honestly don’t give a damn about the people in Haiti, if it makes you feel any better. It seems like a couple hundred thousand people are dying willy nilly every time the goddamn wind blows. I’m desensitized to it by now. I’ll never be desensitized to this kind of personal trauma though.
ETA: I’ve experienced alzhiemer’s from the other side, like your wife is. You can not possibly have any way to know how much time you have left, but neither does anyone else, right? Everyone’s gonna die, but you just have a better idea of how it’s coming for you. Why would you let that weight drag you down so hard when you could possibly have another good decade or more?
Well, Mosier, I wanted to give her the option, and you’re correct that none of us know how much time is left to us.
I need to add that my sweet wife is not caregiver just to me, but also, in part, to my SIL and BIL. She makes sure they both get their meds and take them on time and drive them back and forth to their respective docs. She does the same for me, and I know it’s gotta be wearing her down with trying to work part-time as well.
I know what everyone has said and I appreciate it, but that doesn’t make me feel any less a shit knowing that I’m pretty much healthy in every other way.
Just this evening she let me drive the car two miles to the library and I managed to get my sorry ass disoriented and got back an hour later with supper on the table waiting. I had forgotten the cell and she was worried to death!
See what I mean?
Thanks
Q
Quasi, I so wish for your sake that stem cells or something to correct the folding error was around.
Damn Bush administration. Maybe if they’d sunk funding into stem cells, we might have the beginnings of a glimmer of hope now. We NEED a cure!!! (and this is ONE disease where I’m sure that NOBODY will be protesting about curing it, the way they can about other disorders. Well maybe some people who think that “we don’t need to spend healthcare resources on old people”:mad:)
One question. The depression seems to be really getting you down. Are you on anti depressants?
Is the depression part of Alizheimer’s or the whole grieving about it? Are you on meds for depression?
I wonder if they are connected. I’m NOT a doc, but it does seem that since Alizhemier’s is a white matter disease, and depression can sometimes be… Maybe if you got your depression/anxiety under control, you could enjoy the rest of the time you have left with your wife. You really do need to make the best of the time you have left. Yes, we don’t know what it’s like to go through something like this, but many of us have seen it first hand.
Hey,** AAWAYCG**, 
Yes, I’m on the max dose of Lamiktal (250mg) and max dose of Welbutrin (300mg) a day, respetcively. They DO help, but not often, especially when I see my wife working as hard as she does to take care of me and the others and still trying to work. I don’t know how long she can keep doing this and thank Og she’s as healthy as she is, though she too has physical problems which require a lot of medication.
It’s stuff like y’all writing me here or on e-mail that help keep me going.
Thanks!
Quasi