You know that completely annoying stage in an extended period of no play where the desire to knock boots becomes a tangible force that cannot be ignored? I’m in it again, and yep, it still sucks.
I have not had sexual intercourse since 3:10 pm on November 1st, 2000. “What, a mere eighty-three days, four hours, and thirty-one minutes,” you say? “Quitcherbitchin, whiner!”
No. You see, I’m different from most people. I happen to really like having sex. I took the year 1997 off, just to teach myself that sex isn’t all that damned important. You know what? It is all that damned important! It’s very important.
The absense of sex is intruding its way into every aspect of my life. No reasonably fit woman between the ages of approximately eighteen (ahem) and, oh, say, ninety has passed my presence today without being slowly undressed and delicately coated from head to toe with my imaginary saliva. Television commercials give me erections–I’m talking like the Budweiser chameleons and shit. I can’t even mention the subject in passing around my female friends for fear of making a proposition I will later regret. Beer makes me horny, music makes me horny, food makes me horny, shaving make me horny, the sound of crumpled newspaper underfoot makes me horny.
Masturbation is completely useless at this point, probably due to the fact that I’ve overabused the privelege as of late–even when I was bed-ridden with a serious illness. I suck at picking up random women on a good day, and at this point, my one-dimensional intentions are probably so evident it might as well be tatooed on my forehead: You Woman… Me Want Doink-Doink You.
I have GOT to get laid! What the hell am I going to do?
Hmmmm. Hellooo? Lusty women? Are you out there? Have I got a proposition for you!
If you happen to be living in the Washington, DC area, I am willing to offer you what might be a record-breaking shortest-duration zesty sesh, to be quickly followed by two to five less embarassing attempts. I will take you to dinner. I will take you to a film. I’ll clean up the Den of Iniquity for God’s sake–but I’ll need a few days for that.
In return for your brief attentions, I can promise you a pathetic, blundering attempt on my part to be a civil human being. I can promise you an abortive, incompetent attempt to be emotionally mature in a relationship. I happen to have here at my desk an attractive black squeeze-ball for relieving stress. I’ll give you that! I do origami, too. Want a swan?
I will be back sometime around noon tomorrow. Since I know this attractive offer will no doubt stress the SDMB’s servers to the breaking point, I ask all of you to please be patient in posting.
Just remember… trade up. Get in bed with whatever you can. Then simply trade up. Do not let your friends catch you. Oh… who cares if yer friends catch you… just get laid.
Um, punh, dear, Sofa wants girls. I think he’d have a better chance (read: none) to arrange something with all the women who lust after Andygirl but are rebuffed. (I mean, being turned down by her, what other woman could compare - they’d have to turn to men! :D)
And when you do decide to have sex, Sofa, be sure to play safe. (Then again, there are some more sexually-repressed Dopers among us who would rather you stay celibate on the off chance someone spread some disease. But, hey, then again, you’re not gay, so you probably wouldn’t anyway, according to them… :rolleyes: )
if you used such a winningly sad (and funny) come-on with me, I would donate a pity f*** just to make you feel better.
Of course, could part of your drought be that you are a self~described misanthrope? Although I am sure you are an amazingly cute, beddable misanthrope.
I am keeping my fingers & toes crossed that you’ll find a woman willing to be delicately coated in salive soon.
{{{{{{{Sofa King}}}}}}} I went five whole months without sex once. It was difficult.
Tell you what:
Don’t clean, buy dinner, or take me to a show. Just get on a plane and get to California. You won’t miss the food or the movie, I promise!
Good Lord! So it’s true: women actually do respond to straight lines. I’ll have to remember that next time I don my leisure suit and hit the local bistros.
Sofa King, [Cartman] I hate you so very very much [/Cartman]. Reading your OP has given me flashbacks of when I used to get a little steady lovin’. Now, I have been reminded that I, nary as it sounds, simply cannot get any.
[Cartman]I hate you so very very much[/Cartman]. This past New Years, I was reminded of what I am missing, and I simply did not need to read this thread. Now I am forced to wander frozen Northern wastelands unfulfilled, with a frozen “Little Tripler”. Damn you.
Now, I’ve not seen a picture of Sofa King (hehe), but I’m guessing if he’s employed, has his own place, and can afford dinner and a movie, then he is highly datable. I’ve seen Trip and he’s a babe with some serious moves.
It’s beyond me that you guys aren’t getting laid four times a day. Are the women barren where you live?
SK - start hitting up the college campuses. Start with American. I hear American chicks are easy. And we all love older men. Wind up in the dining hall in a suit, jauntily reading the paper. The girlies will flock.
Tripler - start wearing that uniform all the time. Walk into the general store (or whatever the heck you have in North Dakota) and watch movies and pump gas in it. The ladies will run rampant.
If you keep trying, though, I know you’ll find someone!
