You’re right.
Frankly, I prefer “Monkey Fried”. It just sounds so tasty!
And there’s the classic “Money”, by Pink Floyd, where you “don’t give me none of that goody goody bull…”. Back in the fifth grade, you could tell if you were listening to the hard rock station 'cause they would complete the line.
About the same time (fifth grade, not 1975) there was Charley Daniels Band’s “The Devil Went Down to Georgia”. which wasn’t too bad as the “cleaner” version still made sense… “I’ll tell you what, you son of a gun, I’m the best that’s ever been.”
That’s the one I was going to post. That rodent line has just stuck with me for some reason, as it’s just so out of place.
As for really stupid censorship, albeit just with bleeps not alternate words, at one point the cable company’s OnDemand service had Weird Al’s Don’t Download This Song video on it, but when the song mentions all the various download services that were popular at that time (Napster, Kazaa, and a few others) the names are bleeped out. This from a service that has free movies with uncensored swearing, gory violence, nudity, etc etc etc just a click away, but oh no, don’t say Kazaa.
And just for variety, a really good cenorship example. "Oh FUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE "from A Christmas Story. That movie just wouldn’t have been the same if they had actually used the F dash dash dash word instead.
Original Blues Brothers lines:
Jake: [to Sister Mary Stigmata] Five grand? No problem, we’ll have it for you in the morning. Let’s go, Elwood.
Sister Mary Stigmata: No, no! I will not take your filthy stolen money!
Jake: Well then… I guess you’re really up Shit Creek.
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues with a ruler for using that kind of language]
Sister Mary Stigmata: I beg your pardon, what did you say?
Jake: I offered to help you… You refused to take our money. Then I said: I guess you’re really up Shit Creek.
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues with the ruler again]
Elwood: Christ, Jake. Take it easy man.
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood Blues]
Jake: Oh shit!
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues]
Elwood: Jesus Christ!
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood Blues]
Jake: Shit!
Which was hilarious since she would strike them every time they blasphemed and striking them just made them swear more.
Edited for TV:
Jake: [to Sister Mary Stigmata] Five grand? No problem, we’ll have it for you in the morning. Let’s go, Elwood.
Sister Mary Stigmata: No, no! I will not take your filthy stolen money!
Jake: Well then… I guess you’re really up the Creek.
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues with a ruler]
Sister Mary Stigmata: I beg your pardon, what did you say?
Jake: I offered to help you… You refused to take our money. Then I said: I guess you’re really up the Creek.
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues with the ruler again]
Elwood: Jake. Take it easy man.
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood Blues]
Jake: Ouch!
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues]
Elwood: Ahhh!
[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood Blues]
Jake: Whoah!
Sadly not the same.
I’m always tickled by the song “Alley Oop” by the Hollywood Argyles, which refers to the titular character as “a mean motor scooter”. I’m kind of surprised that a line like that would appear in a big pop hit way back in 1960.
“Chill out, dorkwad.”
Ruthless People: Bette Midler to Judge Reinhold: “you won’t see their faces… because you’ll be to scared to open your eyes!” (instead of “because you’ll be facing the other way!”. Similarly “chainsaw manicure” vs. “chainsaw enema”.
Gotta agree with hating all the lousy edits on Blazing Saddles. That movie is simply not worth showing on primetime TV.
“Quick Change” (Geena Davis, Bill Murray, Randy Quaid), in the airline version, was full of “vikings”.
But it isn’t just dialogue. The PG release of Forrest Gump, in the part where he invents the “SHIT HAPPENS” bumper sticker, had the SH whited out. There was a blank spot before the words “IT HAPPENS” that was even more prominent than the letters would have been.
I never saw the TV version of “Raging Bull”. It couldn’t have been more than 5 minutes long. 
I hear Pulp Fiction is pretty short when shown on broadcast TV too. I can’t even begin to imagine what The Boondock Saints would be like in a TV version. Like how do you deal with a line such as “What the fuck?! How did you two fucking fucks fuck this fucking… fuck!” Connor’s line that “It certainly illustrates the diversity of the word” is not going to make sense with any other word!
I always loved the TV edit of Hard Target. Lance Henriksen gives his lackeys what for: “YOU ARE STUPID BUFFALO!”
Do you think Steven Colbert reads the Dope?
Last night’s episode mentioned the TV edit of the movie, and showed a clip of the thread titling line
It could be a coincidence. It was widely reported, and there are clips of the edit on YouTube. And I’m sure loads of people tuned in to the movie out of curiosity to see how FX would handle the monkey fighting line.
Haven’t read the whole thread, but In watching “The Breakfast Club” on regular TV, I heard “Hot Love Affection” for “Hot Beef Injection”…
Joe
I think it was a widely discussed story.
Our local DJs were talking about it the day before this thread started.
I was talking to a friend yesterday about this thread and he reminded me of another great one. In Weird Science there’s a scene in a bar where an obviously underage drinker asks the bartender to just leave a whole bottle of Jack Daniels on the bar for him. In the TV edit the bartender says “Tell you what, why don’t you bend over and I’ll shove it right up your nose”
Nose being said in a completely different voice and with no inflection.
A bit contrived perhaps, but…
Ragtime is one of my favorite musicals and one of my favorite numbers is “The Night that Goldman Spoke at Union Square” (totally a book song but I still like it). A bit of set up:
The character Mother’s Younger Brother (you never learn his name) is a rebel without a cause who’s drifted from one fixation to another (most recently a disastrous affair with Vaudeville star/fallen woman Evelyn Nesbit- a much bigger deal in the book but synopsized in the play) and is coming to realize how unjust the world is to those who aren’t, like him, upper middle class educated white guys. Totally by chance one very cold winter night he goes into a meeting hall “just to warm himself was all” and hears radical anarchist Emma Goldman (like Nesbit a historical figure) whipping workers into a frenzy, and he is the most moved by her oratory. He becomes a passionate (if misguided) convert to the labor movement.
Okay, there’s a line in that song in which Emma Goldman points to him and says (in a fantasy-musical sort of sequence)
This line is changed in some productions (includingthis superb onefrom Belmont U.) to
I think this is ridiculous. If you know anything about the novel/the movie/the musical, all of the following are very important plot elements:
-A maid buries her newborn illegitimate baby alive
-Immigrants are shoved into horrible slums and sweatshops as the rich exploit them and get richer
-A man attempts to buy a turn at a Jewish immigrants 10 year old daughter (resulting in a huge fight)
-Racial slurs, criminal acts of racism, and a race based murder
-Vigilante acts of arson and murder
Etc… It’s a busy play.
All of the above are in the play (they have to be- they’re central to the plot), but ‘masturbates’ was stricken. I think it’s hysterical that well into the 21st century we’re still so prudish about sex that we’ll leave hate crimes, violence, extreme poverty, racism/racial slurs, and other social atrocities in, but remove the word masturbation (a pleasurable thing that every healthy person does or has done) because it’s too offensive.
ETA: Compare the above scene to this one- racial slurs/violence/profanity/etc.- nothing cut. (Off point: the actor playing Coalhouse [a student named Deonte Warren] is great- I can see him becoming big one day.)
An oldie but a goodie (contains 1 swear word).
I love profanity censorship on TV! It makes movies fun in a weird sort of way for movies you’ve seen a hundred times.
Take Fargo for example, actual quotes from the TV version:
“Gaear: Or your frizzin’ wife you know.
Carl: Or your frizzin wife Jerry.”
There’s also this whole scene. 
There’s also Casino:
Ace: How are you?
Cowboy: Good. How are you?
Ace: You wanna do me a favor? You wanna take your feet off the table and put your shoes back on?
Cowboy: Stuff you.
Oh! Then there’s also Scarface:
INS-type guy: How’d you get the beauty scar tough guy? Eatin’ pineapple?
Hilarious stuff!
We call these substitutions “gherkins” because in one of the Ace Ventura movies (the first one, I think) the word “dick” is replaced by the word “gherkin”. The funniest part about it is that Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura is very expressive with his mouth when he speaks and you can most definitely read his lips.
Also, “scumbum” in Smokey and the Bandit.
IIRC this is a different take of this scene, not dubbed. It was really jarring to see it because the “dickless” line is one of my favorites in the movie. They must have done different takes of the scene for rating purposes and inserted this one for TV versions.