It just dawned on me. I’m a happily married 30 year old guy. Not including my wife, I have no close friend(s) that I would confide in or really deeply trust. Nobody I would just call out of the blue and say, “Hey! Let’s go for a beer! Why? Who needs a reason?!?” Nobody that I would say, talk too about things that bother me… things I wouldn’t tell, say my folks or even wife (for whatever reason). I have some “freinds” that I go out with after work from time to time, or go over to the neighbors house (vice versa) for a beer/BBQ and maybe BS with all the cops. However, not nearly the same depth of friendship with a particular 1 person that I had in say, my teens to mid twenties. Not even close.
Now, my idea of a good night is having a nice meal with my wife, talk over dinner with a bottle of wine. Maybe play a game on the computer or watch a movie afterwards and go to bed. The odd time maybe go out for dinner with the Mrs and catch a movie in the theater… but thats about it. Heck, I no longer even want to “go out” much anymore. I’m happy with just putting around the house/yard. I’ve drifted from my “historical” best freind enough that I may talk to him on the phone once a month, at most. I spoke with him every few days or so when I lived 800 miles away.
Is this “normal” for someone after they get married and <gasp> “Grow up?” To “lose” your “best friend?” Should your spouse automatically become your defacto confidant and not have any others?
[sub]I am not complaining. I love my wife dearly and she is my “best friend” in addition to lover, but I mean in a different way… I no longer even have a “really good pal”[/sub]
You know, my Dad is much the same. He’s perfectly happy speaking with nobody but his family and watching TV all night. He has nobody else and he doesn’t mind.
His wife does though. She still likes to go out with friends and such and my pops gets mad about it.
I’m used to not going out or talking to my friends because they live on another state and are a bunch of pricks who never call or e-mail.
It does annoy me, because I like to go out. But I can deal.
Heres a girl chiming in with the same status (I hesitate to use the word problem). Apart from mrsIteki, I really have no friends. I have I would say, 2 close friends (who I am more historically close to than actually close to as somone said), but they are at home in Ireland. One I mail more or less daily, but on a very superficial level, the other I call maybe once a year. I have no other friends, and not really many acquaintances. If I felt like going for a coffee one weekend, there is noone for me to ring. There are some people that me and the mrs could go together and have a coffee with, but noone that I myself could call. If myself and mrsIteki were to argue (which rarely ever happends thank god) there is noone I could just have a quiet bitch to.
Most of the time its completely fine, and I don’t miss “other people”, but sometimes I nearly weep from the fact that I don’t have any fucking friends and that if I never rang my family I would never hear from them.
Generally speaking, after the death of a spouse, women fare much better than men do. The live longer and typically happier lives.
Some (many) researchers believe this is because after the death of a spouse, women have a much more substantive social network to get support from, whereas men tend to rely on their wives for all their emotional support.
So, Bernse, you’re perfectly normal, but it might behove you to find a buddy or two to hang out with.
You know, its kind of funny. If anything I’m more (or at least was!) an extrovert. When I go out, I have no problem talking and joking with total strangers. Before I was married (a few years back) if I was at the bar and noticed a table full of attractive ladies, I’d think nothing of it to pull up a chair and start chatting them up. I’ve really never had a “problem” meeting people.
It is just that I don’t have any desire whatsoever to “hang out” with anyone on an even semi-regular basis. I am happy with the amount of time I get out. My wife has a good friend that she likes to get out and visit off and on, and I have no problem with that at all. I actually encourage her as she has introvert leanings. I really don’t even want a “buddy” in that sense of the word. It’s nice to go for a beer after work every now and then or get together with the neighbors… I really don’t want anything more.
bernse, I may be wrong, but I think I’ve figured out the reason for your lack of guy-friends… Take a look at the description of your location, “In bed with your mom!”
As far as I can see, it doesn’t seem really strange. The thing is I’ve noticed that quite a few of my friends who got into a long-term relationship have slowly faded away. It is understandable, since they have to spend a lot of time and attention to their SO, and have to give them priority as well in case you want to see them. I tend to respect that, but the consequence is that I will not so easily call them on a whim to go do something, because I know they will usually have appointments or at the very least have to check with their SO.
The same if you want to talk to them about something personal: if you are calling by telephone you have to monopolize them at their home for a long time, while the SO will probably (or so I imagine) sit next to my friend, being bored and hoping I’ll shut up quickly. Contrariwise, the friend will not as often talk to me about personal things since he/she already has someone close at hand whom to talk to.
Furthermore, couples tend to go out more with other couples since then there is no ‘third wheel’ problem.
The result of all this is that, if you get into a committed relationship, you must make a real effort to keep up friendships. If you forget your friends, they’ll start to forget you too. It happens and is not really a problem, but if you value friendship besides marriage you have to realize that it will start to slip away. With some friends I’ve seen it happen, luckily we picked it up after a few years of less frequent contact. If you want, I’m sure you can try to do the same with your friends.
Could be worse… you could be without your significant other as well. Myself, I have someone I call my best friend but over the past two years, have seen maybe a dozen times; we’re both pretty crappy at the keeping in touch thing. As sad as it is, the online world is my social life… my best friends are words on a monitor.
Other than them, I have no one other than my exceedingly small family. I’m 21 and I’ve never had a girlfriend other than an ill conceived online relationship with a woman almost double my age and five hundred miles away. I don’t know if or when that might change any time soon either.
It’s something I’m not that thrilled about and it sometimes really has me down but I’m a loner and an introvert by nature so I can deal with it to a point.
First off, my best friend from the US betrayed me horribly and I could never face her afterwards. It just hurt to even think of what she had done. My other US best friend refused to keep in contact with me after I moved here. I miss him, but realise it is more his problem than mine.
When it comes to friends I’m rather weird anyway. Men are easier to have as friends (IMHO) because I’m not girlie. I much prefer a good pint and football match (soccer) than to go shopping, getting my hair done and gossipping about who’s sleeping with whom.
I’ve been told I’m very approachable and a great listener, but this often leads to my being a rug. Due to all the betrayal and mistreatment received growing up (fat chick = no friends and lots of teasing) allowing someone into my personal life can take a while. Often books and animals took the place of friends as a kid.
Here in the UK, people are intrigued by this American, but slow to call me friend. Though it doesn’t really bother me, it would be nice to have someone to go to the movies with, or go out to lunch with… pal around with.
and that if I never rang my family I would never hear from them.
