Why is it that they’re never Hot Busty Naked Babes, but Fat Ugly Naked Dudes?
I had a FUND once in Somerville, MA, and it pissed me off. Fucking naked idiot. Put some goddamn clothes on! You think I like looking at that? I think the guy was essentially unaware, he’d just putter around in his room (right across a narrow alley from mine) doing whatever fat, ugly naked dudes do before they cover their abominable hides. I would walk into my room, see this guys hairy dick through my window, and think Why? Why does this happen to me? I mean, I look out my car window, there’s some guy with his finger rammed halfway up his nose…and he fucking eats it. I walk through the supermarket parking lot, some guy is hiding behind the door of his SUV and taking a piss as if he’s somehow being discrete. I walk off my stoop, some old lady’s runt dog is squatting down right in front of me, taking a shit. Why? Why do I have to see so many disgusting things every day? Couldn’t just one beautiful woman put on a little free show across the alley once in a great while? Haven’t I suffered enough? When do I get a little eye candy? What’s gonna make up for all this dick, snot, and turd I’m assaulted with?
Nothing, it would seem. Instead, I move out into the burbs, right below Thinks He’s on MTV’s Jackass Dude. Example: THoMJD and his peeps are upstairs one Friday night in early February, getting drunk per usual. I’ve given up asking them to turn down the music, as it only elicits a brief respite, followed by an escalation in the noise. I just note the date and time and send it to the Office, hoping some day my pleas for his removal have an impact. Anyway, there isn’t the usual bizarre pounding and thumping like they’re playing volleyball with an ottoman up there. No, tonight, from what I can gather from the yelling and the occasional loud thumpthumpthumpthumpthump CRASH I hear, they’re taking turns running across the living room to smack head-first into the door. I walk up the stairs just to check, and sure enough, I hear the rapid stomping of feet, and then WHAM, the door shudders like a pile-driver hit it. From behind the door come whoops and cheers, accentuated by a “holy fucking SHIT that was SICK dude!”
Down the stairs I go to look for my earplugs. It’s gonna be a long night. I tell my then fiancee, on the phone, to not even bother coming over if she values her sanity, and we say goodnight. I watch TV for a bit, and figure I’ll turn in. It’s 2:00 AM.
They’re out on the balcony. Suddenly whooosh…THUD! A body flies past my window, down below. I race to the window and look down. There lies THoMJD, half on his side, half on his back, in a pile of snow apparently built for the three-story drop. He’s clearly in a lot of pain, but seems essentially fine. From the balcony a cacophony of cheers erupts, punctuated by the occasional whoop and enthusiastic expletive. THoMJD manages to get up, and makes and open-armed “give it up” gesture to his friends above as they continue to cheer his idiocy. “Again?” he yells. “Fuck YEAH!” is the gist of the reply. Bzzzzt! The door buzzes, in and up he goes, and in a couple minutes…whooosh…THUD! Man, THoMJD really hit hard that time. I think in his drunken stupor he forgot the first fall partially compacted his snow pile, which, though impressively big, isn’t soft enough by a long shot, IMO, for what this nutcase is doing. He’s kind of rolling around in his “cushon”, obviously in a lot of pain, and I’m about ready to call 911 at this point. But before I make up my mind, he raises one arm up in an apparrent “I’m OK” gesture. His friends have been cheering and laughing from above the whole time, the bastards.
As he’s struggling to his feet, it gets a little quiet up above. He looks up and yells “You see that motherfuckers! Awright, give it up bitches! Yeah! Five hundred bucks! I told you I’d do it!” etc. His friends are laughing again, but now it’s got an evil edge to it. THoMJD makes for the door, but it doesn’t open. “Open the door!” he yells. Nothing. “Open the MOTHER FUCKING DOOR!” Loud jeers now from above. “You fucking BITCHES! FUCK! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR! BITCH!” More jeering, more hurling of profanities. THoMJD isn’t just peeved now, he’s in a killer rage. He kicks the door. It’s plate glass panels, and I’m amazed it doesn’t shatter. The guys above are like “Oh shit! Let him up? Fuck no! Dude, he’s gonna kick in the fucking door!” Too late. THoMJD does kick it in. I’m like, oh my God, at this point, this is bad. And I’m right. Before I can hardly believe it, THoMJD is upstairs and in the appartment above, and a full-on brawl erupts above. All of them are shitfaces, and it’s just a fucking nightmare of crashing coming through my ceiling. I’ve got the phone in my hands when the flashing lights show up, and the cops run in to break it up. Guess somebody else in the building noticed too.
Needless to say, within two weeks, THoMJD was outta there. But I’d had enough. I now had leverage and ripped into the Landlords for not taking my umpteen earlier complaints seriously. I say I want outta the lease, I want my last month’s rent and security deposit back, and I want an entire month to find a new place or I’m gonna take them to court. They grant every wish, no questions asked.
