Frighteningly, DLD, that was pretty much the same first impression I got…
Scylla - funny stuff…
Scylla for serious wolf-ass, or rectal mucosal burning, this health professional recommends you visit your doc and request some 2% viscous xylocaine jelly (prescription only, at least here in the US). Evacuate, use a bidet or shower, then apply a small handful vigorously to the rectal mucosal tissue for blessed relief! And next time, try Snyder’s Jalapeno pretzel nuggets!
Qadgop, MD
And only a 6.0 from the international judge for the OP’s failure to include a lament over the lack of bidets in America.
Qadgop, I eat a lot of barbecue and Mexican food…and I use A&D ointment regularly. I try to avoid hemorrhoid remedies, as it seems that they all include alcohol as an ingredient. This only makes things worse, in my experience.
However, I’ve written down your recommendation for my next doctor’s visit. I’m willing to try ANYTHING, particularly during an attack.
<----raising bullhorn to mouth…
. 
Said scenario guaranteed to make for excellent Yearbook Photos. 
Cartooniverse
Couple weeks back, I decide to make a couple sandwiches with pickled Habanero peppers.
The next morning, while taking a very loose shit, my rectum burned so fiercely that I did not even recognize the phenonomenon for what it was. I was ready to call 911 because I imagine blood pouring from ass, from some heinous internal injury.
Keep in mind that viscous xylocaine only covers up the pain, by acting as a topical anesthetic. It will not undo any damage caused by the capsaicin to the mucosal tissue (usually none to minor). But by blocking pain receptors, some scary individuals could so OD on peppers that injury is theoretically possible. Especially if they take their peppers rectally.
Remember folks, rubbing your butt with xylocaine does not give you license to abuse your sphincter any old way you want!
Qadgop, MD
Looking out for your ass
Brilliant, simply brilliant!
It’s so hard to find a post written in an unsual way that I could do naught but read and re-read your post Scylla.
Keep up with the good work!
I for one, give it a 9.
Sure, it could follow conventional rules.
Sure it could be a normal rant
but it wasn’t
it dared
and in daring it soared
AROOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!!!
like a phoneix.
I’ve reread it several times too.
Words to live by if I ever heard any.
May I quote/sig. you?
Do not try alternative therapies!
My college roommate once self-medicated with Solarcaine while suffering from Beer-Drinker’s Ass (a closely related medical condition).
In a way it worked – he was so loopy from the concussion he got banging his head on the sink as he passed out from the pain that he forgot about the pain in his rectum.
Sua
My mom used to suggest sitting on an ice cream cone. No, I don’t think it matters what flavor!
-hashiriya-
I would be honored
Everything turned out all right in the end. I’m eating another bag though as we speak, and drinking beer.
Lest you doubt me it is lot JUN19h34a.
The motto on the back of the bag? “A feiery hot and spicy chip, not for the timid.”
My motto, “Cry havoc, and let slip the ass-wolves!”
As a baker(duh) I decorate cakes. I did a Pikachu cake for my nephew. There was a lot of yellow and blue frosting. I mixed together the leftovers and made graham-cracker sandwiches. Tasty! Ate a lot of them actually. Late that night I stumble down the hall to the little girls room. Do you know what an overdose of blue and yellow frosting DOES to the byproducts of ones digestive system? I will leave it to your imagination, but God, do I hate Pokemon!!!
I’m sorry, Baker. Perhaps You are looking for the “Pokey-ass” thread. This is the wolf-ass thread.
This fucking DOES IT!!! I will never read this message board at work again! My cow-orkers are now convinced I have lost what little was left of my mind! I am sitting BY MYSELF, scream-laughing at a computer monitor, and everybody is giving each other those kinda looks. I guess my boss has gone for the strait jacket. I saw him peel out of the parking lot about 2 seconds after my first peal of laughter.
New rule: Nobody allowed to post hysteria-inducing hilarity while SilkyThreat is at work. No exceptions.
Thanks for your co-operation.
GREAT post, Scylla!! It’s well worth my time in the unemployment line!
Scylla,
be happy it wasn’t a 3:30 shit…3 seconds to shit, 30 minutes to wipe your ass.
And any kind of medicated ointment helps when I’m in that condition…relieves the burning and itching.
Yeah, you’d think the chileheads of the world would learn something about the passage of capascin on mucus membranes. Reminds me of the time (I was aroung 9 or so, IIRC) that I’d had my Abuela’s sopa de Albondigas the night before and added extra hot sauce. Thought I’d have to sit on a block of ice like in Bugs Bunny cartoons. Then my small addled brain figured " hey, baking soda’s good for indigestion and heartburn, it’s probably good for wolf-ass".
Need I say that baking soda is not exactly a gossamer caress from the Ass Fairy?
Ooof. Enchiladas last night and wasabi peas the afternoon before. I think I need the Financial Times and a leather strap for my trip to the can. (The FT because it’s long and distracting, the strap to bite down on.)Feh. I may just go and get a Popsicle from the office freezer.
Christ.
As if I weren’t already convinced we were all bound for hell along comes this.
Take me now, dark lord!