we call it roast beef ass where i come from. asmodean is right. cooks get it often. cant think of how many times ive come home, gotten ready to go out with my wife, and turned around before i got a half a block because my roast beef ass hurt too much to walk. housepainters get it too.
Aaaarrrghhh. I thought I was going to be alright. I thought I could avoid totally embarrASSing myself at work again. Oh, I’ve had tears in my eyes since I started reading this thread. I’ve made some odd choking noises, but I’ve avoided the howl. Then you - oh! Ungh.
And now, my wolf-ass haiku:
I love spicy food
So I take it in the ass
And then I eat more
Thanks, I think…
Vebr
No, no, Scylla - it’s good for you. But be careful if you don’t want to get sued…
U.S. Patent No. 6,117,877 covers treatment of hemorrhoids by a combination of capsaicin and lidocaine. A particularly memorable quote:
Scylla, you must try one of our local favorites. Whole, fresh, raw jalapenos, fire roasted on a grill until the outer skin wrinkles away and then eaten with chicarones (deep fried pork rinds) and washed down with ice cold cerveza. The peppers, pork rinds and beer are delicious but you chance getting what we call “Apocalypse Ass”, the feel of napalm in the morning. If you frequently eat fresh jalapenos you will eventually overcome the blow torch butt.
The jalapeno flavored potato chips are fine but they lack the true flavor and enjoyment of real jalapenos.
This is actually a tactic of mine. If you can make something super-insane hot, it will be so hot coming out that it will actually feel more numb than anything else. I’ve been eating hot, hot, hot stuff for years now and I just recently figured this out. Instead of trying to turn down the heat a bit, turn it way up!
Demo, it felt nothing CLOSE to numbness, unless your definition of numbness is “feels like you’re shitting out molten pig-iron”.
Haikus on the subject is a pretty good idea:
Ah, habaneros!
what price for tasty hot treats?
flaming anal pain.
[Dave Barry Swipe]
“Flaming Anal Pain” is a great title for a band.
[/Dave Barry Swipe]
**OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
Hahahahahahaaaaaaaa!!!
Whooowhooowhhooo!!!
AAAIIIEEEEEE!!!
AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
**
Cut it out already!! My guts hurt from laughing so hard, the guy I work with has locked himself into the other room in fear and my boss (whose office is in another building) is certainly wondering what in the hell all the noise is about.
But(t) really folks, thanks for the laughs. I needed them.
Just noticed:
Oh, Lord yes! Fried pork rinds, the hot, hot, HOT ones. Please, send me all you can. They don’t exist here in Germany. If you have an extra bag or two close to your computer, then please just push them through the modem and send them to me!!! PLEASE, I swear it works. Just push real hard.
Here I sit with bowl in hand, drooling in anticipation.
My father, owner of one a** known for its malodorous emissions and abundant noise due to vast consumption of grain beverages, swears by Tucks.
The flaming a**
A cool swipe by the medicated pad
Frosty relief
(Be gentle, it’s my first haiku)
Shit, shit shit. Mother fucking shit. Aw, fuck. Fuck in an ant hill by a slaughter house with thousands of bastard assed birds shitting on everything.
God damn it.
I sat here for hours waiting for someone to e-mail me some pork rinds. Nothing came. I waited and worked and worked and waited and got hungrier by the minute and ever more desperate for the taste of pork. Nothing. More nothing. Where in the HELL are my pork skins?
Check the server.
Mail server log: Incoming mail from the Straight Dope Message Board rejected. Unknown content, possible virus. File too large. Deleted.
Shit, shit, shit. Son of a motherfucking, everloving, god dammned cock sucking, shit licking, lousy assed no good bitch. Fuck technology.
Well I’m with Mort Furd and SilkyThreat, reading this post should come with a warning. I imagine that the other people in my HPUX class are wondering why I find the /bootptab file to be so funny.
Is that Satan’s fist,
hammering my nether-hole?
No, habaneros.
If ya can’t stand the heat, what the devil are you doing eating stuff like that? Leave if for those of us who don’t suffer from wolfass no matter how capsaicin-loaded it is.
Oh my Gawd! The Wolf-Ass thread is back!
I didn’t think it would be quite so funny the second time around, but oh yeah, it WAS. Thanks be to the gods I am at home this time. Nobody to fetch the men in the white coats this…who’s that pulling up in my driveway???
This thread is definitely a keeper. AND a weeper!! 
I don’t understand what the complaint is here. For me the burning sensation is just an opportunity to enjoy my spicy meals twice!
My ass hurts so bad.
What did I consume last night?
What was I thinking?
A love note to Bear’s Pizza:
When I lived in Bloomington, IN, there was a pizza joint called Bear’s that had a pizza called Dante’s Inferno-- hot italian sausage and many, many jalapenos, and I couldn’t get through more than 3 or so pieces, and damn it was good. To reiterate, it was DAMN good, and we could not resist ordering it every Sunday night. We would eat it and say “God, this pizza is SO DAMN GOOD!” each time, and each Monday morning life would be very very bad. But by the following Sunday for some reason our memories would have become diluted, so we would do it again. Finally, we kept a post-it note on the back of the bathroom door, facing the toilet: “‘God, this pizza is SO DAMN GOOD!’-- Brandon, June 3.” A jalapeno mori-- As you are now, I once was. As I am now, so shall you be.
A haiku:
Dante’s inferno.
That pizza was so damn good.
What was I thinking?
[celestina clutching her ass in horror after reading this thread]
Well, good lord! I just have to say that every last one of y’all are CRAZY. Why in the hell would you eat these peppers when you know full well that when next you go sit on the toilet the shit coming out your ass will make the sun seem like the Arctic Zone? Seem to me like it’d only take one shit of ass-torture to make it sink in: Leave them peppers alone.
Well I’m sure that went in one ear and straight out the other. Okay, I’m genuinely curious. I can’t eat spicy foods because they make me vomit. What’s so great about jalapenos and habaneros anyway? They can’t have much of a taste, and even if they did, how could you enjoy them when you’re busy trying to cut the heat with sugar or dairy or water or something? Do y’all just enjoy torching your alimentary canals on principle, or is there really something I’m missing here?
Now you tell me. :eek: