I Have Two Days of Vacation Left, and I'm Really Depressed

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I took off two weeks and I’m due back on my job Tuesday.

The first week I spent visiting my brother and his family in Georgia and I thought I would just spend the rest relaxing.

Money is really tight right now, so I can’t do anything amazing, even if I felt like it which I don’t. The weather is beautiful, so I should be outside enjoying it but I don’t feel like it. I’m inside with my books which I don’t read, my videos which I don’t watch, my musical instruments, which I don’t play, and the internet, which I’m starting to find boring as well.

I don’t hate my job, but I am hideously bored by it. I don’t dread going back to it because what difference does it make if I’m bored at work or at home?

I’m part of a singles activities group, and am signed up for three events, none of which I’m looking forward to, but I’ll go anyway, because they’re paid for. But it all seems like a chore, just like all the rest.

I know all this is because of depression, but I’m on anti-depressants and I’m seeing a therapist. I’m as well as can be expected, I suppose. I don’t want to kill myself or anything, so I suppose that’s something positive.

This week I went to the lake, the Kyoto Garden, and the Shedd Aquarium, so it’s not like I’ve just been sitting around feeling sorry for myself. But I just feel like I’ve wasted a whole week because I can’t say I really enjoyed any of it, if I’m being honest about it.

I not sure why I’m typing this here, except maybe I might read some reply that would help a little. Thank you for listening.

2

I don’t know anything about depression and you have a therapist anyway, but if I were you or you were someone close to me, I would recommend letting go of the goal of enjoyment. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to feel happy or entertained or joyful and I find that that leads to dissatisfaction. Maybe, instead of searching for things that you find enjoyable, you could change your goal to accomplishing something - anything. So, instead of doing a singles group that has “fun activities”, you could volunteer to do some sort of community service. Even if you spend the day doing something that’s not entirely enjoyable, you can still come away from it with a sense of accomplishment. And, you may meet people who are truly inspiring who will show you how to draw true satisfaction from life. That’s all FWIW, so take it or leave it as you choose.

3

I thought C3’s post was excellent.

Adding to that, non-stop pleasure is not happiness. The lack of pleasure is not depression. But only you know what you mean by depression, so you have to gauge that.

Feeling melancholy or apprehensive about an upcoming change in your schedule is not unusual.

4

The pressure to have fun actually depresses me. People will ask me how was my weekend, and I’ll say fine. Then they (because they’re nosy) will ask what I did and I say, “Well, I cleaned up the apartment and caught up on some sleep.” They’ll look at me like I’m the boringest person ever, but in actually, it was a fine weekend. Usually my bad weekends are those that a jam packed with so-called fun activities. It used to bother me that I wasn’t a fun-loving person; now it only bothers me when people insist there’s something wrong with that.

I have depressive episodes as well. But since I’ve always been this way, I don’t think being low-key is necessarily unhealthy.

It does sound like you have anhedonia, though. When I get that way, I force myself to do something constructive, something that I generally don’t want to do. Like clean up or work on my manuscript. After doing that for awhile, then I start wanting to do something more pleasant. I might not get real pleasure out of it, but at least I feel something close to it. And the bonus is that I’ve gotten a chore out of the way.

There’s also nothing wrong with doing nothing, especially since it’s your vacation. Veg out in front of the TV or sit out on the front porch and watch the traffic go by. Go talk a long walk. Go out to a big empty field, lay down on the grass, and watch the stars pop out. Savor the idle moments so you can recall them later when you’re feeling stressed out.

I hope you feel better.

5

I think I do have anhedonia, but this is the first time I’ve heard the word. I like your advice about doing something constructive like cleaning. I’ve just cleaned up my bedroom. I had been putting it off and it was really dusty. Did it cure my blues? Not really, but the room is clean now.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

6

Go walking.
It’s free, the sunshine might cheer you, & it’s good exercise.

7

Thanks for mentioning this, guys. I’ve been sad too this weekend because it’s a holiday and I’ve got nothing to do. I feel some sort of invisible pressure to go out and have some fun somehow. Unfortunately, I’ve got no one to go out with, so I doubt it’d be fun anyway.

Sorry to hijack the thread, but I figured I’d share anyway…

8

Sometimes it may take a while for medication to work. Or you might want to try another medication. Or if you haven’t made progress with this therapist after a reasonable amount of time, you might consider a change.

You certainly seem to know what routines are usually good for depression.

I hope something releases you from your boredom soon.

9

Even a boring job provides structure to one’s day, and that can sometimes be helpful in combating depression, because at least you can feel that you have accomplished what you were “supposed to” do that day. Vacation time is unstructured and carries expectations of meeting higher goals, so you you impose more responsibility on yourself to figure out how to spend your time, and put more of the blame on yourself if the day isn’t perfect.

So, what you’re feeling is natural to some extent for someone with depression.