I friend sent me these and I laughed harder than I have in a long time:
Subject: EMERGENCY VIRUS ALERT
If you receive an email entitled “Bedtimes” delete it IMMEDIATELY. READ ON…
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also
Delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and
uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD’S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
It will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you don’t send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you’ll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send to everyone …
In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.“I will give each of you each one wish, that’s three wishes total,” says the Genie. The Canadian says, “I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.” With a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state.” Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
“Uncle Sam” (A former civil engineer), asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out—virtually impenetrable.”
Uncle Sam says, “Fill it with water.”
The Fence
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?” Yes," she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.” “Oooooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she answers. There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.” So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the
fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes! She’s yelling, “Ohhhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life that he didn’t know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their
clothes back on. The policeman still watching thinks, “That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.” As the couple pass, he says to them, “That was something else, you must have been shagging for about
forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”
“No, there’s no secret,” the old man says, “except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn’t electric.”