Do you think he could really make that much money just from sucking cock? If he did then the OP my have a different problem.
You can’t spoil him the same way - you can spoil him in different ways. Don’t you think that means anything to him?
I keep thinking that if it feels wrong, there is probably a good reason, but then I keep thinking that it might be your issues, not Bill’s, that you are having a hard time getting over. If you’ve told him exactly how you feel, and he keeps telling you that it isn’t a problem, at some point shouldn’t you listen to him?
Count me in as “this whole thing is just weird and creepy.”
Is this the same guy who went on a drinking binge when his cat died, prompting you to have a bit of a freakout? Is he still not having sex with you?
I’m going to call it as I see it. This relationship is not good for you. It isn’t what you want or need right now.
Good relationships are actually pretty straightforward, especially in the early stages. Two people meet, they really like each other, they start hanging out a lot, they have a ton of sex, and then they eventually decide to have an exclusive committed relationship (or whatever variation on that they are in to.)
Good relationships do not involve a lot of weird, uncomfortable feelings. They do not involve massive sexual mismatches and weirdness. They do not leave you feeling unbalanced and lost. They do not have you posting things that sound a bit unhinged on message boards. This is not what a good relationship looks like. It sounds to me like this thing has never felt right to you, and I don’t think it is ever going to. You’ve been uncomfortable with what is going on ince the beginning. Listen to yourself, listen to what you know to be true. Because I think you having a little crisis of integrity. Your life is not matching up with your values.
I’m sure you do love him. But frankly, love and a quarter will buy you a pack of gum. Love is really cool, but not every instance of love has the makings of a relationship. Sometimes, the love is there, but the relationship, maybe even for reasons nobody can control, just doesn’t work. This isn’t something that can be romantically overcome. Sometimes, life just deals you a “you are in love with someone who is unavailable” card, and you have to cherish the love but move on to someone who is available.
I do understand this. I had a bit of this when mr. hunter was working and I was a poor grad student, but it was okay because I knew eventually I’d graduate and get a job. He was (and is!) very generous and never at all resented taking me out and giving me nice things, but it still bothered me that I couldn’t reciprocate in that way.
Now that we’re married, I don’t think I’d feel that way (e.g. if I lost my job). We’re partners. When we got serious about being engaged/married the switch flipped, and now we both see ourselves as contributing to the relationship and taking from it, even if it’s different things at different times.
But you guys should definitely talk about these things. Does he know your concerns? Are you guys going to work together to address them? Is he supportive of you wanting a job, if you do? (I seem to remember from a previous thread that he doesn’t want you to have a job, but I might be making that up? If so, are you okay with that?)
Well, they can involve some. Mr. hunter and I have a significant age difference. It isn’t nearly as much as the OP, actually, so I’m not entirely sure this is relevant, but I had a lot of weird uncomfortable feelings about it, and contemplated deciding it was not a viable long-term relationship because of it. We discussed it, and finally I realized these were my own weird worries/hangups, and not things that were actual problems with the relationship, and since then it hasn’t been an issue at all.
That being said, I am not quite sure yet from what’s been posted how much are the OP’s weird thoughts and how much are the relationship itself legitimately being weird, but it does seem there are elements of both.
The red flag for me: if you are communicating about it and trying to work together to see how to resolve the issues, then I think that can work, but I do kind of get the impression that’s not happening.
flatlined, have you asked him whether he’d be willing to take you as a non-trophy wife?
Some of the things he proposes are, from the vantage point of being across the ocean and much befuddled by American courting customs, the American ideal - but an ideal which is actually unrealistic, and often unwanted by the parties involed.
I dated several dozen guys while I was living Over There and only two of them (maybe 5%) did NOT tell me that his plans included marriage, making it rich and me “being able to stop working to take care of our children” - in the first date. Those with whom there was more than one date would repeat it later as well; I’d be sitting there thinking “which part of ‘Engineer’ is so hard for these guys to understand?”; when I pointed out to several of them that if I’d wanted to dedicate my life to raise children I would not have gone to Engineering school, they were completely befuddled. I never got to the point of trying to point out that it would very likely be me who made more, but one of my “check questions” was “so, what if I happened to make more than you?”, which would be met with answers straight out of the Machista Handbook.
If he’s not willing to take all of you, then there’s a big problem. If he is, then you currently have a much-smaller problem of him having failed his perception roll - but he won’t pass it until and unless you hit him with a very clearly spelled-out clue-by-four. You need to spell things out until he gets them; if you start explaining and he launches into a speech before you’re done (no idea whether he does, but The Bestest Ex would), try writing the TLDR version on a napkin and shoving it in front of his nose.
I came home one Saturday afternoon and found my wife watching an old Steve Martin/Claire Danes movied called Shopgirl.
Your premise reminds me of the essence of that movie, though (what little I watched). I didn’t stay and watch because it wasn’t the old wild-and-crazy comedy stuff that fostered Martin’s fame, so I dunno how it ends. Maybe you can tell us – and also figure out how your story is similar and different. And remember it’s just a movie and that story is just one way it can play out. Your differences and similarities to the story can help you explore possible ways your particular story will work out.
—G!
You might think I’m crazy
But I know when you’re weak
You think you’re in the movies
And every thing’s so deep
. — Rick Ocasik (The Cars)
. You might Think
Just to clarify, because the “guy” is named “Bill” I was reading this as some sort of metaphor for money in general. Upon reading it sober I’m not sure how I came up with that.
Thank you everyone for your replies. This is confusing to me. I’ve always “paid my way” in relationships. I started using his real name because of the posting styles thread in the Pit.
We talk. We do have sex when I ask. Very nice, slow gentle sex. Bill has given me the second story of his home so that I won’t feel obligated to sleep with him.
Tonight, I asked Bill to read this thread. We did some soul searching and came up to an agreement.
I won’t go to work for his company. This bothers him because his company needs someone with my records management skills. Bill doesn’t want me to learn to say “do you want fries with that”, but he also says that the scent of french fries on my hair would turn him on.
I told him that his housekeeper scared me and he said he would tell her to keep out of my area.
I asked him if he would marry me and he told me to shop for a ring. I asked if he would give up all of his money and live with me in the middle of nowhere, counting pennies to be sure that we had money to feed the cats and he gave me a cup of the best coffee I’ve ever had.
Bill is now officially my favorite butthead. Bribing me with $20 a pound coffee was a very low blow.
I"m not going to be his sex slave (that might be fun on the weekends), Bill is going to be my coffee pusher.
Tomorrow I’m going to open a dialog with his housekeeper. I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable. She is doing her very well paid job, but she’s been with Bill longer than I have, so of course she is protective of him.
Something occurred to me when you mention that you won’t work at Bill’s company even though you could do a needed job there - how concerned are you with how things look to other people? Is that possibly what is bothering you - that it looks like you’re golddigging, and that it would look like you slept your way into a position at his company? I think at some point you just have to say, “Fuck it. We both know that that isn’t how it is, and all the Mrs. Grundies of the world are going to talk regardless, so we’re going to do what works for us.”
Good for you, flatlined. (Hi Bill!)
But fuck it, you know - I’d be taking that job if I were you because you have the skills Bill’s company needs. The scent of french fries in your hair may be sexy, but doing a job you’re over qualified for is the unsexiest thing in the universe. (Aside from oh…I dunno…something else really unsexy.)
Anyone who doesn’t like the idea of you being a hardworking, qualified asset to Bill’s company can drown in their own green bile, with the lingering scent of that in their hair.
Speaking from personal experience: How does He treat money? I was engaged to a Trust Fund Baby, and while the money was nice, it was an obsession for her and her mom.
I told her “if that’s your worry, no matter the outcome, it’ll always be about the money. Did he stay or go? The money did it.”
I’m sorry, but 25 years is a HUGE gap, you two are at very different place in life, with a very different set of cards. Can it work? Sure. But it’ll be on common ground you create, the vast majority of us cannot relate.
My ex used to get really pissy when we’d keep going out and I couldn’t pay 50% of the time. She also had more in her checking account than I made in a year.
You are concerned about it so it obviously isn’t right for you.
Its not the age difference, its the money.
Let him down lightly and then get on with your life.
If he’s loaded he’ll soon find a volunteer to fill your shoes.
Awesome.
Okay, how creepy is this on a scale of 1-10?
And it just got creepier! It’s now exceeded 10 and is a solid this guy on the creepiness/WTF scale.
MOL you owe me a keyboard…and some coffee…and some Brain Bleach.
Can you tell us more about the scent of french fries and how that ties into the sex?
Tiny hijack: I’m actually surprised that guy’s website is still there, as the first time I saw it was at least seven years ago. I Googled “creepy peter pan” and oddly it was the first thing that came up.
I guess what would make me uncomfortable is the way what this guy gives just seems wildly disproportionate, to where the OP is, to where their relationship is, even to what comfortably well-off spouses tend to buy for each other.
I obviously can’t say what it feels like up close, but from a distance, it just reeks of trying to buy someone. The problem isn’t that he has money, but rather that he seems to be basically overwhelming the OP with it. ISTM there’s a hidden lack of respect there - rather than downplaying their difference in wealth so that they can more easily relate as equals (which is what two people ARE in a healthy relationship), he’s emphasizing their inequality in this area.
Again, maybe that isn’t really how it is, up close and personal. But I’m not there; only the OP and her SO are. This is how it looks to me from way out here, though.
I’m not sure where all this “this guy is creepy” is coming from. He’s striking me as a really nice guy. He knows he has financial power over the OP, and is trying very hard to help her out while bending over backwards to not put pressure on her.
Flatlined, based on the two threads I’ve read, in your shoes here’s what I think I’d do.
-
Recognize that your friend is grieving. His feelings about you are not necessarily what they will be in a year or so. So I would avoid the potential sexual/romantic aspects of your relationship right now. Feel free to tell him why, but this is your decision to make, so don’t ask; tell him.
-
He says that his company needs your skill set. If you believe him, accept a job from him at a reasonable market rate. Presumably this will be enough for you to live without assistance from him or anyone else.
-
As soon as possible, move out of his house, making it clear to him that this is not a reflection on his friendship, good intentions, or anything but a need to stand on your own two feet for a while. Borrow a little from him if necessary to get set up on your own and you can repay him from your future salary.
-
Be his non-romantic, non-sexual friend, as far as is possible with his being your employer. Don’t accept special favors or presents, just do what you would do with a friend. Watch movies, go to events you mutually enjoy, share a meal occasionally, whatever. No sex, no romance. Just companionship.
Explain to him that this step is for both your and his protection. He needs time to grieve, and to make sure that you aren’t just another cat like the one that died, i.e. a stand-in for his dear, dead wife so recently gone. You need time to be sure that he is someone you truly care about, irrespective of his financial favors, and your deep sympathy for his loss. You are, after all, 58 and 33 respectively. You don’t need to rush. Tell him that at the end of one year, you can both re-evaluate, and see if you are interested in a romantic relationship. In the meantime, you need to be self-supporting, and as close to equal as possible in your material dealings - you can exchange birthday or Christmas gifts, but they should be of roughly equal value.
My cousin lost his wife of many years, and within a year married again. It was a terrible marriage, and if he hadn’t happened to come down with a rare form of brain cancer that killed him pretty quickly, they would certainly have divorced, and it would have been ugly. It’s very common for widows/widowers of happy marriages to remarry quickly, and unfortunately, it’s very common for them to do so unwisely. He may not be able to see it at this point, but he needs time to get his balance back. But he also needs friends, and you can be that to him.
It sounds like you are more in love with his money than him.
Without aggravating factors I rank it a weak 7; putting him on the doormat-in-waiting range of the spectrum than a dyed-in-the-wool professional creepster. Now, if he were giving her the back “bedroom” in his shitbox trailer in backwoods Arkansas, that would amp it up a solid 10, and if he were keeping her in a twelve foot deep cistern pit in his dank and poorly lit basement, sending down lotion and food in a basket, that would take it up well past 11.
Okay, I actually find it a little creepy that you not only searched on the term “creepy peter pan”, but that you’ve been cyberstalking this slightly over-enthusiastic proto-superhero fan for the last seven years. At least tell me you meant to search on “crunchy peter pan” and simply mistyped a few letters. 
As for the o.p.; I am reminded of a pearl of wisdom from a female friend as advised by her mother; “If you marry for money, you will earn every penny.” Of course, she also said, “It’s as easy to love a rich man as a poor man,” so there seems to be some mixed messages there, but whatever.
Stranger