I Know What You Want Dopers....

That’s Right. I know what you need, and now you can have it for just over invoice here at:


Anything and everything you could possibly need as a Doper is on sale now, here at:


Ever find yourself reading a particularly interesting thread while drinking your morning coffee? And then you come across a post that makes you do a spit-take that even Cosmo Kramer would envy. I can help:

Right now, you can get the ever popular Doper keyboard guard, not for 30, not for 20, but for a measly 10 monthly payments of $29.95 a piece.

Against your better judgment you’re reading a thread with TMI in the title. Shortly, you come across a post you wish you had never read. I can help.

Right now you can get Doper combination Eye Boiler/Brain Scrub. Guaranteed to clean that offensive post out of your mind in seconds flat, while leaving your eyes clean of any offending material.

You find yourself fuming over the latest idiotic post of some troll, so you take it to the Pit, only to find out you are at a loss for words. Happens to us all, but I can help:

For a limited time only you can get the 13th ed. of 1,023 Ways to say F* You, Without Actually Saying It"** With this book, you will also receive a handy update every 6 months into the newest swear words created in the Pit.

All this is available only at:


But don’t just listen to me. Listen to these real-live [sub]completely made up[/sub] testimonials from a few unbiased Dopers.

ShibbOleth: Dental hygiene is very important to me. When I check out the Straight Dope, I want to have minty fresh breath. So I went to WACKY HAMLET’S HOUSE O’ DOPER STUFF and bought one from SPOOFE’s line of Doper toothbrushes. Never has my mouth felt so clean.

Manhattan: When I woke up Sunday morning after the latest ChiDope, I felt like there were a thousand tiny construction workers working with jack hammers on my brain. Thank God for the patented jarbabyj’s Hangover Cure. I’d still be in bed crying my eyes out without it. And I got it at WACKY HAMLET’S HOUSE O’ DOPER STUFF.

Gaudere: Moderating Great Debates is a hard enough job, which is only made more difficult by the occasional troll showing up. Which is why I went to WACKY HAMLET’S HOUSE O’ DOPER STUFF, and bought Lynn Bodoni’s Jerk Detector. It has made mine, and all the moderator’s jobs much, much easier.

And we can offer such fine products at fantastic prices, because we listen to YOU. Just let me know here what else you would like to see, and we’ll get it in stock and ready for you within days, here at:



We’ve all had this problem: With the occasional death of a hamster, the SDMB runs a little slow for a little while. Unsure if our post ever made it to the server, we accidently hit Submit twice.

I can help:

With the Doper Multiple Post Eraser, you can save time, and face, by removing the offending posts within seconds. No more need to say: “Oops, I double posted”, or “Darn that server.” Now you can just use the handy dandy Doper Multiple Post Eraser, and be well-respected again.

And here is a special, unrequested, [sub]made up[/sub] comment from a very well-esteemed Doper.

Libertarian: A few months back, I was a little down on myself. I wasn’t sure if I should be posting to the SDMB, and I second-guessed all my comments. I was afraid to start threads, and thought I had lost my touch. That’s when I went to WACKY HAMLET’S HOUSE O’ DOPER STUFF and got, on sale Scylla’s Ego Inflater/Massager It literally saved my life by convincing me I was the best poster ever. And I still use it to this day. All I can say is THANK YOU to WACKY HAMLET’S HOUSE O’ DOPER STUFF.

As many of you fans are well-aware, Wendsdays are “Email Days” here at WACKY HAMLET’S HOUSE O’ DOPER STUFF. Every Wendsday we take a few minutes to answer some of the emails that come in, and try and help out the Doper Community. Let’s get started.

Well, [sub]Not[/sub] SuaSponte, we have just what you need here at WACKY HAMLET’S HOUSE O’ DOPER STUFF. For just one week, the brand new handy’s Drive By Poster-Helper is on sale for a measly $501. With handy’s Drive By Poster-Helper, you will no longer have to worry about putting a lot of research or thought into your posts AND you will be able to post at a nearly astronomical level. Be the envy of all your peers with a post count in the thousands, now on sale at WACKY HAMLET’S HOUSE O’ DOPER STUFF.

Well, thanks to recent advances in thread detection, we are able to offer, for the first time to the public, the brand new Doper HiJack Detector/Remover. Based on Nobel Prize winning science, this item not only identifies, but removes the offending hijack and places it in it’s own thread. Just listen to this testimonial, from an actual Moderator

DavidB: Get that expletive deleted camera out of my expletive deleted face before I jam it up your expletive deleted and use your expletive deleted as my footstool. Get me another expletive deleted drink, Dammit.

Oops, maybe now is not the best time to bother poor David.

Don’t forget to let us know whatever you may need. Stop by for these and other great Doper Items on sale at:


Dear Hamlet,

I lost my entire post count in the great crash of '01, and am only now working my way back to 100. Do you sell any kind of post-padding products?

Wow, I don’t know whether to feel honored to be mentioned in the same breath as Gaudere and Manhattan, or to contact my attorney over untrue representation. Where’s Zappo when you need him?

But to be clear, I feel it’s safe to say that I would never, ever put SPOOFE’s toothbrush, or anything else that’s been in his mouth, into my own mouth. Although I do have a dental appointment on Friday morning, so the part about good oral hygiene is correct. I don’t want to end up like Mitzi Gaynor…

Dear Wacky Hamlet,

When I first joined the Doper ranks, I did most of my posting in MPSIMS. But now, thanks to your amazing Guide to Posting in Multiple Forums (only 3 easy payments of $19.95!), Now I am confidently posting informative and interesting posts in GD, GQ, and even Cafe Society. Thanks, WACKY HAMLET’S HOUSE O’ DOPER STUFF !!


I don’t think its been in his MOUTH.

Dear Wacky Hamlet,

 I wish I could participate in flirt threads, but I can't seem to loosen up.  Suggestive comments are beyond my grasp.  Innuendo is a foreign concept.  Plus I worry that even if I do toss out a *bon mot*, it may go unheeded, and we all know an ignored flirt is worse than not flirting at all.  *Please*, can you help me??  I need to feel loved!!!

[sub]shy and insecure[/sub]FairyChatMom

Res Ipsa Loquiter:

I have you down for one handy’s drive-by Poster Helper. Watch as, within minutes, you post count climbs into the hundreds, then thousands, then TENS of thousands, without all the worrying about making sense or adding something relevant. Good Luck with your purchase.


We here at WACKY HAMLET’S HOUSE O’ DOPER STUFF are very pleased that you are enjoying your purchase. Remember, all purchases are satisfaction guaranteed or your money back* If for any reason**, you don’t wish your product anymore, please return it to your nearest WACKY HAMLET’S HOUSE O’ DOPER STUFF for your money back.***


Remember, here at WACKY HAMLET’S HOUSE O’ DOPER STUFF, we aim to please. Please ourselves, but, hey, if we help you too, well that’s just a pleasant surprise. And everybody loves pleasant surprises. We also LOVE you[sub]r money[/sub] and will do anything to help you out.

On page 74 of our Spring Catalog, you will find a combination of products that will solve your problem in no time:

First, we’ll send you one copy of TruePisces’s Guide to Flirting on the Boards, which is now in it’s second printing, and is based on her unbelievably successful Flirt Academy That should give you all the hints you need to succeed.

However, one important part of flirting is resilance. And nothing can help you be as tenacious and blatant as Superdude’s new book Never say Never (I think she likes me). This book will give you all the hints and help you need to overcome your naturally withdrawn personality. Best of luck, FairyChatMom. Let us know how it goes.

*[sub]The satisfaction guaranteed is that of WACKY HAMLET’S HOUSE O’ DOPER STUFF[/sub]

**[sub]By any reason we mean only if the products actually kills you. If you bring the product to the store after you are dead, then we’ll give you a replacement product of equal or much lesser value.[/sub]

***[sub]All money will be paid in the monetary system of the Tyclob tribe in Sumatra, who use sheep dung as coinage.[/sub]