I am not sure there’s really any way to take the piss out of the war-on-traditional-values people any more than they already have been by professional satirists.
But the most amusing thing to me is the outrage at the supposed injustices they have to face, being white and Christian and middle-class in America in December, right around Christmas time.
Stores saying “Happy Holidays” and decorating festive yet non-denominational or outright secular trees. People having the gall to say X-mas instead of Christmas. What secular weirdo ever came up with the idea of censoring G_d’s name in the first place?
Ah, a thousand year old tradition originating from Christians themselves. What’s that? Christians not even understanding the origins and/or funny little details about the very religion and/or tradition they so cherish? Talking out of their ass at every conceivable opportunity?
Color me red and green… with surprise!
But yes, a public school for everyone, including people who are neither Christian nor religious, being inclusive by not making the Hindu or Jewish or Muslim or atheeeeeeeist kid feel unwelcome or unimportant by celebrating the “holidays”, that, my friends, is the absolute height of religious persecution.
Oh the horrors of being middle-class white christian people in America around December 25th. It’s almost as though you couldn’t travel 25 feet without running into tinsel or shiny flickering lights adoring trees, bushes, houses, and an otherwise nude Mrs Claus when she’s feeling *particularly *jolly. Manger scenes in every other yard. Churches somehow still prominently displaying crosses adorned with snow, somehow not burnt to the ground in this ever-damned post-Christian hellscape. The rapture, of course, being nigh. These are the end times. I read about it in a book written by a person with actual Biblical training, therefore it must be the word of G_d.
Who keeps censoring that word? Must be those thrice-damned **atheists **again!
But yes, the suffering, the unimaginable horror of being a Christian in a predominantly Christian country, with legal protections for religious freedom, speech, and private display (private as in, in **public **view on your **private **property). It is as though you couldn’t walk into any store with shelves in America and buy several different flavors of candied cane.
I weep for the plight of the harried and noble Christian culture warrior, whose very existence is being threatened by the political might of all those great many atheists holding publicly elected office, whose campaign war chests surely dwarf the meager pockets of the few, the proud, the churchgoing.
I sadly drip tears of unimaginable sorrow when I think of all those state constitutions that require people to swear their non-belief in G_d in order to even legally hold public office. Thank goodness the Constitution of the United States overrides that insidious attempt by the power-hungry non-believers out there to prevent good and noble Christians from serving the country that they love, in spite of the fact that no politician would ever pander to them disingenuously by saying how much they support traditional family values while boinking mistresses, prostitutes, and the occasional bathroom stall buddy or rent-a-boy.
Woe! Woe and lamentation for those poor, poor children unable to find the word of Christ anywhere but at their home, at their friend’s houses, and at church, and literally everywhere else but the few schools who have decided on a more secular path!
Why, the fact that a few schools have gone all the way toward acknowledging that Christians are not, in fact, the entire demographic of America, nor the triumphant and benevolent shepherds and overlords of civilized history, means that Christians now fully understand what it is to be oppressed.
It is slavery. It is apartheid. It is the end of Christendom itself!
Now, the white Christian middle-class American has tasted true oppression, and can now hang out in clubs reciting poetry which reveals in detail the pain and anguish they have suffered under the crushing foot of almighty Atheismo. The shoe now on the other foot, they can now put their hand on the shoulder of struggling and oppressed minorities and say, “I feel your pain”.
They can now look into the eyes of those children who are homeless because their parents disowned them for being gay and tell them, without any hint of sarcasm, that their children are suffering as well, for not being able to spend a few hours on weekdays not hearing the name of Christ in publicly-funded song which everyone is either required to sing or stand aside, awkwardly, on stage, saying nothing and being the obvious sore thumb. Children are REALLY understanding about that whole odd-person-out thing, and would **never **be insulting or violent toward a child who is different.
Yes, Christmas warriors, as you sit with your families next to your Christmas tree adorned with festive lights, with a yule log in the fireplace, carefully wrapped gifts which you can easily afford to buy with your middle-class salaries, in your safe, privately-owned home on your privately-owned plot of land, with your house a veritable Las Vegas of Christendom, and the ever-present mass-produced jesus statue right there in his manger on your front lawn, in your safe neighborhood full of ethnically un-diverse and affluent people who all agree with your general belief system, in a rich and powerful nation that ferociously protects your rights of freedom and property, without worry of invasion or coup or rocket-propelled grenade, you have clearly tasted the hell of persecution.
You are losing the war on Christmas, and indeed, the war on America herself, unless you make certain that everyone is required by law or by threat of boycott to pledge allegiance to republic of an America under G_d, while wearing their patriotic flag pins, and say Merry Christmas instead of Happy holidays!
Because let me tell you something brother, you haven’t tasted persecution until you’ve felt the pulsating, throbbing fear deep inside the heart of red state America, (also known as Real 'Merica) that one day, sometime in the distant future, they will not hold the utter monopoly on wealth, power, status, and thought in a multicultural and religiously diverse melting pot of America. It’s fine that we have your tired, poor, and huddled masses yearning to breathe free, as long as they only exhale the words “Merry Christmas” with those breaths.
You see, those other people in our melting pot are more than welcome, as long as they speak flawless English, and believe in the same god, and are of the same cultural and ethnic background as we are, or are *courteous *enough to live in some impoverished ghetto which is N.I.M.B.Y. and never once accept government assistance, such as, say, tax reductions for having a child or a mortgage. Or a deduction for that fact-finding business trip to Las Vegas where, by the way, your gambling losses were also tax write-offs. Those ungrateful minorities, always suckling at the government’s teat without having to pay their own fair share! That’s *OUR THING!
*
Here’s to you, “oppressed” white middle-class Christian-American on Christmas:
I wish you a sincere Happy Holidays during this time of year which I know is particularly hard on pretentious pampered ignorant blowhards who have always had everything in their lives go exactly their own very privileged way, as the mere acknowledgement of there being other people in this country not exactly like yourselves is just too much stress for your sheltered fucking little weeping hearts to bear.
If only you could just tear yourselves away from your blogs freely explaining in horrid, ignorant detail how much your God hates the queers, whilst simultaneously decrying your loss of religious freedom at the expense of others’ intolerance, while wondering aloud (with a straight face) just who in the hell it was who took the Christ out of Christmas, and realize how much of a tool you are, it would *truly *be a Christmas miracle.
Also, that Duck Dynasty guy is pretty much the conservative’s idea of Jesus. He just tried to explain how he never met a black person who suffered under Jim Crow laws, and how awful gay people are, which I’m pretty sure is the message Jesus died on a cross for, and all those people with thoughts in their heads got all pissy. What’s their deal anyway? Freedom of speech means never having to hear other people tell you how much of a fucking blowhard you are, right?
Right???
…oh…
He told me so. Well he didn’t really say so ,but I felt his love for it.