Even if you are 10 years old and fizzy drinks are your life, you will not actually die if you can’t open the lemonade bottle.
So, if your tiny wussy hands can’t open it, your sister’s hands bleed with the effort, your parents aren’t there and your adult neighbour can’t open it despite his large rough hands - safe to say you’re gonna go without the lemonade.
OR - you could get the biggest knife in the house, jam the point in between the plastic tab holding the lid on and the lid itself, grab the neck of the bottle with your other hand and attempt to remove the lid with a quick levering motion. Resulting in not only free flowing lemonade, but also blood - seeing as how the knife has gone through the tender flesh between your thumb and forefinger and it’s point can actually be seen on the palm side of your hand.
If you ever order a meal that comes on a sizzling skillet, like say fajitas, do not lay your fork on the skillet for a couple of minutes while you are talking and then pick up some food and put it in your mouth with said fork.
Also, if you are trying to drill a hole in the center of a stainless steel switchbox cover, do not hold the cover down with your left hand while you are drilling, because when the drill bit punches through the metal, it grabs the cover and spins it very rapidly under your hand and slices your thumb open to a depth you didn’t think possible.
Don’t use a serrated knife to carve wax off a candle, that soft flesh between your thumb and first finger is very penetrable, at least my tetanus shot was up to date.
Don’t touch those coils at the bottom of the dishwasher while it was just running, you can get the spoon late dumb ass they are HOT! :smack:
When taking a tray of sesame seeded burger buns out of the top oven in the bakery don’t forget that some of the seeds will not have stuck to the bun properly and will either fall down your t-shirt burning you as they stick in the hairs of your chest or land on your forearms doing much the same. Feels a lot hotter than the 230 degrees Centigrade the oven tells me it is.
Yesterday, i was at a friend’s house for a cookout, and after we had our burgers and stuff, we fired up the grill again and made S’mores. She had these long, telescoping steel poker things for heating the marshmallows over the flame, and she told me a story of her first experience with them.
She always used to use wooden sticks for making the marshmallows, but then thought it would good to buy these longer metal ones. But, when she first used them, she forgot one thing—metal conducts heat much better than wood. The first time she toasted marshmallows on the poker, she tried to eat a marshmallow straight off the poker, and ended up burning her lips and the inside of her mouth. She had to go to the ER, and spend the next couple of weeks with blisters all over her lips and gums.
When moving a heavy computer desk, the smart thing to do is to remove the keyboard drawer, just on the off chance that it slides out and the corner of one of the metal runners lands squarely on your big toenail, causing it to blacken and fall off and you to limp around painfully for the next few weeks.
If your headlights on your car start to dim for no reason, chances are your alternator is going out.
If you are female and fixing your car, despite the fact that you know what you are doing and LOOK like you know what you are doing, there will invariably be somebody, usually male, that stops and asks if you need help. Half the time this is as you are putting the tire back ON.
Popcorn catches on fire easily.
Popcorn can last up to three weeks without going stale. You can store it in a clean garbage bag (I used to work at a movie theater, and I was poor).
People get unreasonably pissed off if someone messes up their pizza order, even if it was that person’s first night (The Domino’s here in town isn’t allowed to have new-hires start on Fridays or Saturdays anymore…).
You can actually get a ticket for going too SLOW.
You never know when the person sitting next to you has a warrant out for their arrest due to forgetting about a speeding ticket.
The first thing a smoker says when you bail them out of jail is “Someone give me a fucking cigarette.”
Knowing how to sew is useful, but annoying when you can’t enjoy your prom due to all of your friends coming up because “Something Ripped.”
Nothing brightens your parents day like telling them “I love you.”
When cutting the neck off a t-shirt, don’t stick the scissors between your knees while you check the symmetry and then bend down to grab them as they start to slip.
You’ll end up with scissors hanging from your calf, and a trip to the ER for stitches.
When heating an old-fashioned cast iron skillet, remember that the handle is not made of newfangled heat-resistant materials.
Don’t play Blind Man’s Bluff in a cluttered basement while on roller skates. (Also, if you fall on something that causes a two-inch circular hole to be punched into your thigh, it doesn’t hurt at first, and it’s kinda neat to look into it and see your muscles moving inside your leg…but that doesn’t make it a good idea.)
Don’t repeatedly stab a 10 inch carving knife into a cardboard box with a very loose grip until your hand slides off the handle and onto the blade, slicing your index, middle, and ring finger to the bone.
I’m fond of those electrical sucking devices some call vacuum cleaners. They’re kinder to the paintwork than the stool method.
From my childhood: when there is an evil nasty waspy type bug on a window, a rolled newspaper is the preferred implement of killitude. A bare hand is equally effective, unless excessive force is applied to the aforementioned window, in which case you will now bleed all over the place, scare the bejesus out of your Mom who is taking a shower, and end up having the Doctor picking lots of little pieces of glass out of your wounded paw.
As my buddy Jim has observed: “Put that in the ‘Big Book of Shit to Never do Again’.”
My husband was installing a new iPod accessory in my truck, which was parked in the driveway (on a gentle downslope). The garage door was open, and his car was parked behind the truck so the front of the garage was empty, for ease of retrieving tools. For reasons that escape even him, the truck was in neutral.
He was fiddling under the dash under the steering wheel when he accidentally released the emergency brake, and naturally the truck started to roll forward. He jumped in the seat and slammed on the brake pedal - however, the truck wasn’t turned on, so it did nothing. Before he could react more, the driver’s side of the truck was scraping along the side of the garage door opening, knocking off my mirror, severly scraping and denting the door, and oh yeah, TRYING TO SLAM THE DOOR SHUT ON HIS LEFT LOWER LEG, which was still hanging out the door.
I was inside the house, and I heard a scream followed by loud cursing, and rushed out the front door to find the truck partway in the garage. Before I could react it was backed out a couple of feet and stopped. I ran around to the driver’s side, and I swear to god I thought that he had multiple fractures - there were large lumps all up and down his leg.
According to the doctor at the ER, there are no breaks of any sort, merely severe brusing and a couple of long but minor cuts. He’s supposed to stay off of it for a few days mostly to avoid what the doctor called Compartment Syndrome (i.e., so much swelling that it cuts off blood flow to the rest of the leg). I have no idea how he avoided a more serious injury - from the amount of crumpling of the truck door and the gash taken out of the side of the garage door, I have to think that if the truck had been moving faster it could have severed the leg completely.
[ol]Paint stripper is good for removing paint from woodwork
[li]A blowlamp is good for removing paint from woodwork[/li][li]The combination of the two is, surprisingly, something less (or more) than the sum of the parts.[/ol][/li]I learnt, age 14 or so, that fucking about in front of the mirror with a sheath knife pretending you are a cool knifefighting dude is not really terribly bright. The scar looks exactly the same now as it did in about 1974.
At a similar age, I learnt that it is smart to get out of the sleeping bag before emerging from the top bunk, even if you thought it would be fun to play “caterpillar fights” with the guys - especially if they are the kind of guys who, when you are desperately clinging on by your elbows with no way to go back where you were before you started moving, will piss themselves laughing instead of, e.g., helping you down. Gits. :mad:
More recently, I reminded myself why you should pick up a hot soldering iron with your right hand. Don’t pick it up with the left intending to offer the handle to your right hand. :ow: :smack:
Don’t sneeze when your cat is asleep on your lap… :eek:
Not me - but if you’re in your car waiting to come out of a junction and a helpful driver coming along the road towards you stops and flashes their lights at you to let you pull out, don’t do so without looking the other way sound of metal scraping against metal
Any advice on how to explain how that dent got on our car to my parents gratefully accepted. (They will not believe it wasn’t my fault)
When removing plywood decking from a roof, don’t be standing on the piece of material that you’re unscrewing, lest it come loose and you and it slide down the rafters and crash against the ground.
A fellow at the Ren Faire did this a few years ago while disassembling a building. Fortunately he didn’t fall far, but the whole thing played out like a cartoon:
Remove last screw from the top corner.
UH-OH!
Ride the panel down the roof
Fall the last eight feet, while still holding onto the top edge of the panel.
Panel’s bottom edge hits ground.
Slide the last four feet along the panel, developing a lovely “road rash” on your legs and arms.
Land in a heap and watch as the panel flips over and falls on you as gently as a 40-pound piece of plywood can.
