No matter how experienced you are, it doesn’t mean you can’t/won’t learn something from your next partner. Every sexual experience is different (or should be), even if the difference is subtle. In a twisted little catch-22, such misconceptions about what it means to be experienced are usually only dispelled by becoming experienced. No one has ever “seen all there is to see,” unless they have imposed limits of some kind on their sexuality/sensuality.
When I was in my early 20s I hooked up with someone in his late 30s for a few months: we weren’t friends, we knocked boots the night we met and stayed in it for the sex. It’s the only strictly physical relationship I’ve ever had. While I was no blushing virgin at the time, he was much more experienced than I was, and taught me quite a bit (all of my subsequent partners have owed a debt of gratitude to this man), but he also learned some things from me, and we “learned” some things together that neither of us had tried before. It was a really great experience, even though some people would have considered it the most shallow of relationships.
It’s interesting (to me, anyway) that you and I have nearly completely opposite opinions in this regard: I don’t know if I would want to be with a virgin, or someone who’s had very little experience. I just don’t see myself willing to play the “teacher” role: I prefer men who are sexually secure and open-minded, and if a man knows himself that well he’s probably had at least some experience.
Myself, I’d rather live in a nice solid house that was built by a master and an apprentice than in a shelter put up by a couple of green kids who were just figuring it out as they went along.
Or maybe you think that good sex is easier to teach yourself than banging boards together?
When I was a pup I focused on women who were 10-15 years older than I was. It never bothered me that they’d had more sexual partners than I had – there was no comparing that kind of sex with the sort I knew I could expect from inexperienced girls, and they weren’t shy at all about providing a little coaching. I wouldn’t change that for the world.
1.) I had thought I could make this differentation. Before I had sex, the concept of being promiscuous seemed exciting (to me) because up until then I had been in a lot of really bad relationships that hadn’t lead to sex. I kind of felt they were lose-lose situations: I didn’t get laid and I didn’t have a happy relationship. However I’m a little bit wiser now and realize that I probably lucked out by not even having an opportunity to have sex with some of those head cases I dated, because the degree of regret would probably be pretty significant. Part of this wisdom arose from actually having sex (for the first time) with a woman I had just met while on vacation. I had thought it would be easy to not get attached, since for me having sex was good enough, anything on top of that was just gravy. So when she warned me to not get attached I figured “no problem” however, later I was eating my words when I did start getting attached to her and having the sullen understanding that she had no interest in me beyond a few romps in the bedroom. Now I wouldn’t say it was a sad or unpleasant experience, it just made me feel that I’d be unwilling to just have casual sex outside of a relationship, and gave me a better understanding of why so many people (particularly women) are only interested in having sex with someone they are really close to.
2.) I don’t really differentiate between genders on behavior. People can be jerks or angels, doesn’t take a particular set of chromisomes to condone/condemn it.
3.) I haven’t really dated much, but what few relationships I did have I made sure to treat my best friend no differently. Since I knew him much longer than some girl, it would be a collossal insult to suddenly give him the cold shoulder. Unfortunately he did not reciprocate when he was in relationships, which strained our friendship several times. I guess the most important thing I can say about this is- trust your long time friends just as much as you did before, no matter how hurtful their warnings or observations might be. Being in love has a funny way of making people totally blind to terribly obvious things (like the other person cheating on them for example). My best friend dated a girl he had been attracted to for over six years beforehand, and it put him on a power trip. When I told him it was fairly obvious she was cheating on him with her ex-boyfriend, it was easier for him to think I was jealous than for him to consider the words of a friend he had for fifteen years
I guess it’s just all down to personal preference.
Personally, I’ve had 2 sexual partners. They were both virgins. The first guy I only slept with once, and the sex was crap. But the second guy I love, and we got to experiment and teach each other. It was so much fun, and made us even closer. I’d rather have that then a guy who’s slept around and who knows everything.
First, I just want to say how nice it is to have people like you in this thread who understand my way of thinking and can, as in the case of this post, find a better way of wording things than I could, especially speaking from some experience.
Secondly, would you care to elaborate on why the first guy was crap so that I can hopefully make note of what to avoid?
Well, leaving straight afterwards and dumping me a week later did not make me think of him kindly. But you seem like a nice guy, so I’m guessing you won’t be doing that!
The first time a women has sex is painful, so that doesn’t help either. So make sure there’s lot of foreplay so she’s relaxed and lubricated.
Yes. Nothing conscious about it. I do a lot of what I do based on vibes–seems to serve me pretty well–and this is pretty much how I differentiate relationship potentials and fuck-buddy potentials. Subconsciously, that is. Either it feels right to pursue a relationship with someone, it feels right to pursue a friends-with-benefits deal with someone, or it doesn’t feel right to do anything.
No way. That’s so dumb. I strongly disbelieve in the entire notion of ‘whore’/‘skank’/‘slut’ etc. Some people like sex more than others, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with anyone, whatever gender, choosing to express that, especially since it’s pretty easy for anyone to have basically consequence-free sex.
I try not to. Hasn’t really come up, to be honest. I’d probably act a little different.
Here’s a tip for you: Find the clitoris and the G-spot. Know them. Love them. Believe me, the world is a great (and much more ‘open’, as it were) place when you know what to do with them. I did some serious (PG-rated–as much so as possible, anyway) Googling and learned everything there is to know before prom–turned out I didn’t really get anywhere at all on prom night, but I did soon after with someone else, and doing that research was probably the best decision I’ve made in a long, long time. Made a big difference in every relationship I’ve been in since, let me tell ya.
Bit of a hijack, but cut that shit out now. I have been in two abusive relationships, and two non-abusive relationships, all lasting longer than a year. The abusers both did this, and every abusive boyfriend of a friend or aquaintance that I know of has done this. In fact, this behavior is now one of the first red flags I look for in a new relationship.
I am not calling you an abuser - it could just be a maturity issue. Most girls looooove attention, especially in public, so if she had to tell you to back off, she was seriously uncomfortable.
Just curious–is this how most women would characterize a “nice guy?” I am a male who thinks of himself as generally a nice guy. To me, this means, among other things, that I try to conduct myself with integrity both professionally and personally, I don’t make promises I can’t keep and I keep the promises I make, I don’t drink excessively or use drugs ever, and I don’t resort to violence or threaten it, even jokingly. (It chills me beyond words when I hear people talking casually about killing people: “If my kid breaks curfew one more time I’ll kill him.” I have enough familiarity with violence to know what words like that really mean.) I also have no trouble expressing and asserting myself, and I am not desperate for attention.
So where do I fit on the continuum? Am I a nice guy or not? And is that good or bad?
I wonder if women don’t make distinctions among men that are pretty closely comparable to the “angel/whore” thinking men are accused of. I have certainly heard women say, essentially, “there are men you party with and men you choose to sire your children.” It’s no surprise to me that both men and women select different kinds of people for different kinds of relationships.
I have also never fully understood the dynamics of abusive relationships, but I wonder if at least part of the reason that a woman stays with an abusive bum is that it allows her to maintain a feeling of superiority. She might have low self-esteem, but she knows she’s better than the drunk on the other side of the bed. If she were with a “nice guy” maybe she’d feel worse about herself.
Think of it as more of a trademark or brand name, “Nice Guy”, capitalized and in quotations, used interchangeably but not exactly with capital-l “Loser”. So women want a man who’s a nice guy but not a “Nice Guy”.
Blame the first Loser who whined about how hard he tried to prove to the gals he was a “Nice Guy” and they still picked someone imperfect but more satisfying.
I even use the same distinction when describing myself: I believe that I am a very nice person (articulate, thoughtful, funny, generous, considerate, etc.), but I am not a Nice Girl. It works with “good,” too: I’m a good person, but I am not a Good Girl.
Eh, maybe the merkin’ version of “cuddly” is a bit different; I’m not talking about ass grabbing or crotch fondling here, just stuff like nuffling her shoulder, nibbling on her hair absentmindedly while in public kinda things. She was more concerned about the general public, rather than being personally offended. After all, we are closeted Singaporeans here. I’ve become more consious about things now, so it’s a moot point.
Honestly, I did far less than what I see here in London. Some of these people really have no shame - just get a motel room and a 12 pack of condoms and have at it, for crying out loud.
In any case, it was just a data point - I was trying to say that not all guys put up shows for the public, but instead fall off the other side of the table and forget that the rest of the world is there. That’s all.
To jealous/abusive guys, PDAs are part of a “show for the public.” It doesn’t have to be Rated-R to be posessive. When I was with Mr Clingy, I always felt like asking him why he didn’t just lift his leg and piss on my shoes, as that is the more common way to mark territory.
This was certainly true of me, and so I took about 2 years to work on that. I’m dating again, and it is a bit scary to date someone I actually respect, and who respects me back. However, I will never have respect for a Nice Guy (capital N, capital G, as JRD noted). They use their “niceness” as emotional blackmail- just like the creepy townie who would buy beer and cigs for the cute high school girls.
Not to get too Dr Laura on you, but real women don’t love weak guys, they use weak guys.
