Now they are going to kill me.
It all started innocently enough on a unseasonably warm march day, I was invited to partake in the celebration of one of my friends birthday after work. I checked to see who was going and I thought “hey this could be a fun night” a few of agreed to meet a seperate bar before going to meet up with the birthdaygirl. When I get to the bar a couple of the ladies there head over to the celebration spot, I decide to hang out for a pint befor I head over.
After the pint I rolled over, I walk in, look around, and I don’t see any of the people who should be here because each booth has such a high backing. So I grab a pint and start to wander around, this was a mistake. At one of the last booths that I come to I find them, the first thought in my head is “Oh shit”.
Now some people out there would say “why would an unattached guy think ‘Oh shit’ upon seeing a booth filled with nothing but women drinking?” Those people obvioulsy live alone in caves. There is not one good thing about a booth filled with women, ONLY, women who have been drinking, espically if you happen to be the only guy with a pint standing there.
So I sit, knowing that if I stay too long that I will learn way too much and then my life will be in danger. In the minutes that I’m sitting there trying to chug a pint without lookin to obvious I get assaulted with “Girl Talk”. I did not have one single guy there where I could bring up power tools, sports, video games etc. The one guy who showed up before me did not have a pint so he just walked away.
So what is the problem? All I have to do is sit there and the odds are that I’m bound to score. HA! Not when every move and word out of my mouth will be analyzed by a booth full of women who can communicate among themselves with glances.
So I learned how women shop. How they agonize with the problem of a really cute dress that they must have that only comes in a size 2. Shoes, yep I heard about shoes. I only own 3 pairs of shoes two of which I share laces. How they drive, yep. I knew it was only a matter of time before I learned more secrets and then they would just have to kill me right there and it would be legal. So I chugged, call me a wuss if you want and I’m sure you will, but I’m still alive. For now.
You poor soul. I’m afraid you are right, your fate is sealed. Your only hope is to get married, and soon. Once you are properly domesticated, you will cease to be a threat. I can only guess how many times my life has been spared by the phrase: “Oh, that’s only my husband” when I walked into the room at the wrong time.
Be afraid, be very afraid.
When stuck in a gaggle of women, the best bet is to wow them with your knowledge of women’s conversation pieces.
Talk about what a breakthrough the dry-weave top-sheet is, particularly when combined with a deodourising lockaway core. Debate the advantage of wings versus strips, and they will accept you as one of them.
Then you can jump one of them.
I was once in a similar situation. It took 4 days for the ringing in my ears to stop.
Glad you made it out alive.
Spritle, who is still looking over his shoulder and jumping at loud noises
Oh, horror!
I once (in a fit of mental illness) accompanied two female friends into a department store just to pass the time. Suddenly both of them had found a sweater that they liked and just had to try it. I could see the whole process when they ran in and out of the changing booths, looking at themselves in the mirror, changing sweaters with each other (I’m pretty sure that at one stage they were dressed in the clothes the other had arrived dressed in).
The whole thing took 25-30 minutes and afterwards I asked them if they couldnt shop the way men do, i.e. only enter a shop when the old sweater is so full of holes that it’s falling apart, grab one that isn’t too ugly, put it on to see if it’s the right size, pay it and run away. The answer was “Lars, you just don’t understand women”. 
Floater, man, you had it easy. Five years ago, on a day so boring I was in danger of causing myself bodily harm from what I like to call “Boredom Experiments”, I stupidly agreed to go the the mall with two female friends …
Who were going dress shopping for a dance.
I was not yet of legal drinking age at that time, but luckily my brain’s circuit-breaker snapped my shattered mind into overdrive after an hour.
Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here today.
See? I still haven’t recovered. I meant autopilot.
[shudder]
See? I still haven’t recovered. I meant autopilot.
[shudder]
And you are double posting. Cripes I thought I had it bad.