“Uhhh…hey Adam.”
I dread hearing those words, from behind my door, because they invariably mean that the six-foot-six gangling ape of a man who I have the extreme misfortune of having to live above wants a favor from me. In this case, those words, uttered in the unmistakable lisping inarticulate slack-jawed drawl, preceded a request to borrow my laptop. The man-beast in question had some severe problems with his computer, and told me he needed to borrow mine to order a new computer and also look at apartments online that he could conceivably move into when the glorious day comes when this unbearable living arrangement comes to an end.
So I said, OK, fine. After all, I have this sweet desktop computer with a gigantic monitor and everything, that I use every day anyway, so I can go without my brand-new Dell 1720 laptop. So I tell him he can use it.
A few days later, I take it back from him. I get onto Firefox. I type in www.s ----and then immediately, the URL bar expands downwards with all the vile, vile porn that this savage has been whacking off to with the same filthy hands that he’s undoubtedly been using to operate my goddamn laptop! For every goddamned letter of the alphabet that I enter into the URL bar, a torrential wave of porn links springs forth from the history, with the scroll-bar on the right getting narrower and narrower as the list grows…and grows…and grows…and GROWS…and UAHHGHGHHGHH!!!
What are these fucking stains on my monitor? Is this come? Is this the fetid, pestilent jissom of the vile beast? There are small splotches - translucent and raised - dotting the previously immaculate 17-inch screen. It could be droplets of soda, or tiny stains from the sauce from Chinese food or something like that, but I’m going to go with “come.” Because what other conclusion could I draw from the countless websites that he visited?
Cock craving moms. Cum guzzling sluts. Mature women spreading their vaginas wide open, oozing semen and vaginal secretions. Young women penetrated by freakishly large black cocks, bondage sluts with their cunts held open by speculums and other strange devices. There are girls pissing on each other. Men losing rounds of strip poker and forced to disrobe and jack-off for a roomful of fully clothed women. 3-D renderings of shemales fucking each other. I swear to Christ, I’m not making any of this up. It goes on, and on, and on. Literally hundreds and hundreds of porn sites visited, in the mere THREE DAYS I lent this poor brute my laptop.
I’m positive he’s never even been with a woman before. 23 years old, and never been laid. He hasn’t been going to school, and he hasn’t been working. He’s a total deadbeat living off of an injury settlement. Spends all of his time getting high and watching Netflix movies on the big-screen TV and Xbox that I am letting him use, because I have more big screen TVs and more video game consoles. If I wanted to, I could take away that TV and the Xbox and the gigantic curved modern-style mahogany-and-stainless-steel entertainment center that it’s all sitting on, which I also own, and I could drag them upstairs to my section of the house and keep them there even though I already have more gadgets and toys up here than I know what to do with - just to spite him. And then he’d have NO life at all! Oh whatever would he do without his Netflix? He would have to resort to drinking bottles of Everclear and spinning around in circles and bashing his head against the wall for entertainment.
UGHGHHHHHHH!!! What chemical am I going to use to sanitize my laptop? There’s no way I can use it now, without totally removing all traces of that savage from it. Isopropyl alcohol? Ammonia mixed with water?
