I love my SO. She’s great. But ARRRRGGGHHH!!!
Yes, of course you may wear my socks. But please do not walk outside to get the newspaper in them; don’t walk all over the cement and wear them out. If they are black on the bottom, I’m not going to be happy.
When you fill the coffee pot, it is NOT okay with me that you hold the coffee pot with one hand at the top, fingers spread like palming a basketball, balancing it over the kitchen floor - still plugged into the wall, mind you - reach precariously over to the sink to turn it on and grab the sprayer to squirt water into the water resevoir. The coffee pot was rattling around, threatening to fall on the ground and smash. I ask you - is this logical in ANY way?
The alarm clock has two alarms on it. You leave for work an hour before me. When YOUR alarm goes off, get up. Don’t hit snooze 10 times. Don’t roll over and say, “Hey, can I sleep ten more minutes??” Because that’s why we have 2 alarms…so I can sleep another hour!
If you can’t sleep at night, please do not wake me up and say, “I can’t sleep.” Lord knows, it gets boring in the middle of the night and I know you want company but come on. Once in a while, I’ll grin and get up with you but not 3-4 nights in a row. K?
If you EVER have to split up tools again in your lifetime, remember that someone can not get the ratchet thingy and someone ELSE the SOCKETS. They go together. And when I ask where the sockets are, the improper response is, “I told you, we split up the tools!”
Please don’t jump to conclusions. When I say, “I love Dolce and Gabbana! I love Isaac Mizrahi!” the improper response is “Don’t talk about other women - that’s rude!” Oh my God.
Please. No dutch oven. No covered wagon.
I don’t like cats. Specifically, I don’t like your cats. That would be “Baby Boy” - who I have renamed “Barfallover” or “Finnegan/Finnah”…I call her Finnah-key or “Pissallover.” I’m allergic to cats and they only bring me misery. Is it not enough that I live with them?? Must I love them as well? And empty the litter box daily, just like you like it done. Don’t assume I’ll do it because I won’t. Take some responsibility for the cats. Oh - and when one of them happens to release a chocolate hostage…pick it up right when you notice it.
Phew. I feel better.