Tracy, you let this person in your flat at 3 in the morning. You made him a cup of tea, you let him sit on your bed, you allowed him to chat you up. He left when you didn’t give him any signal you were interested in anything else. AND he left you a note the next day that indicates he is interested in you for real, nut just as a drunk end-of-night lay.
Now, you claim those activities strike you as "stalker"ish, but you didn’t even tell HIM that, by indicating that any of them were inappropriate, much less not okay with you. (Coming in: “No, I don’t know you that well, sorry.” Cup of tea: “No, I’m really tired, see you at the next gig and thanks for the ride.” Sitting on the bed: “Please don’t sit on my bed” or (more politely) “Let’s sit in the chairs.” Staying to chat: “No, I’m really tired, see you at the next gig and thanks for the ride.”) So how the heck was he supposed to know you were uncomfortable, much less uncomfortable enouch to consider him a stalker? I think the guy is interested in you, and I think that intentionally or not you’ve given him mixed signals. My advice is to let him down easily by just acting disinterested and avoiding further one-on-one interaction.
I also think that you do a disservice to people who have really lived through the nightmare of an obsessional stalker when you use that term to describe this behavior. When he leaves the tenth note, or the one signed in his own blood, come back and we’ll talk about stalking.
I don’t know how old you are, but part of growing up is learning to deal with difficult situations. Things like conflict at work, death in the family, or as we have here, interest from a person in whom you are not interested.
You’re right to note that objectively there’s nothing wrong with his conduct. Two things: first, you were there, we weren’t; you saw/heard tone, inflection, body language, etc., and we didn’t; you know this guy’s reputation/friends, and we don’t. So although pretty much everyone here is going to tell you that based on what you’ve typed you’re overreacting, maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. The key is learning to trust your gut when your gut’s reliable, and ignoring it when it’s not. We can’t tell you which it is.
Second, and more importantly, even if he’s a stalker (which I doubt – he’s more likely just a regular man), your first step needs to be just the simple declaration of non-interest. If he’s a regular man, he’ll take the brush off with dignity and move on to more fertile pastures; if he’s a stalker, well, then, come back and we’ll give you more advice.
Wait let me get this straight. He had a cup of tea, chatted about other people, and left after twenty minutes (presumably when the tea was done). He was outside only long enough for you to change into your PJs. None of that sounds creepy to me.
I don’t know about the layout of your apartment. If you have a perfectly good living room or dining room, then it sounds like he was being overly optimistic in a vaguely creepy kind of way, but if you live in a bachelor’s apartment where the bedroom and living room are one and the same, then it sounds like he was being overly optimistic in a not-creepy way.
If he was only out front for a few minutes, he may have made a call to see if anyone else needed a ride and to lament: "Naw, dude. I struck out. " or pause for a smoke (I know guys who don’t smoke in their cars).
He left you a note to show interest. If you don’t respond at all, he’ll probably get the hint. If he starts doing things like calling your cell number because he wrote it down when the postie called, that would be weird.
Presently, it sounds premature to call him a stalker.
I agree that the guy sounds like he wanted to stay the night with the OP. I don’t think it was all innocent, “Oh, 3 a.m. is the nicest time for a cup of tea!” but he at least waited for the non-forthcoming invitation. The clueless guy might have thought that asking for a cup of tea was a clear code word for sex that anyone would understand.
I’ve noticed that people in my peer group (early 20s) use the word stalker quite casually, usually to mean a guy who offers unwanted attention. When I was in high school, it was quite trendy to have one, like it was proof of your attractiveness, and no one was ever frightened of these guys. I once earned myself a little 16-year-old shunning when I suggested that a friend shouldn’t have invited her stalker in to order a pizza and watch a movie. :rolleyes: I don’t mean that Tracy Lord is throwing the word around lightly or that she isn’t a bit scared of this guy, but it does seem to be an evolution in language, if nothing else.
I feel you, Tracy Lord – I’m a person who loves her privacy and tends to keep people at arm’s length even when I like them, and when someone unexpectedly turns up in my life and wants to get closer to me than I’m prepared for (even if they’re generally nice/non-scary people), I get freaked out. I agree with the posters who say he’s more likely just interested in you than a true stalker, but I can see how his attention could be upsetting to you.
I saw in another thread that you’re an American living in London, which would certainly make me more wary than usual (if such a thing is possible :)) if I were in your place – could it be that among the social group you’re in, it’s not unusual to hang out in new acquaintances’ homes late at night?
I think Diogenes’s advice is good: ask your mutual friend about this guy and see if he’s a decent person, and then (politely at first, but if necessary, more bluntly) let him know you’re not interested.
Let’s see: You meet a guy that’s a FoaF, he gives you a lift home, you invite him up, make him tea and let him sit on your bed while he drinks it and the two of you chat. When he leaves your flat, you go to the bathroom and you noticed that he didn’t leave the front of your flat until your light was off. The following day (?) he gets a phone call from your phone, when the Royal Mail lad found it, and he thoughtfully dropped a note in your mailbox (not in your underwear drawer or anything that would actually indicate stalking) saying that he received a call from your phone and hopes you got it back and invites you to another thing like the one where you two met?
Unless I missed something there, I’d have to say you’re the one who looks like a psycho here. This guy sounds pretty normal. The only thing that jumps out to anyone is that he sat in his car until your lights went off, but you don’t say that you saw him looking up to watch your window or anything like that. My guess is (if he’s anything like any of the musicians I know) he was rolling and/or smoking a spliff and not paying a bit of attention to what you were doing. For all you know, he might have been pissing on your front door while you were in the bathroom and had just gotten in his car when you turned out the lights. You’re the weirdo for watching to see what he was up to in that case.
I’m a female who has actually had stalkers. Yes, as in more than one. One of whom was violent and dangerous and on whom I had to call the police. This man was not stalking you, he was showing normal interest in a woman who was giving off clear signs of interest. Your need to point out the age difference tells us all why you think he’s skeevy – he’s old. how dare he take all of your signs as an invitation to be nice back! Honestly, I hope the guy is a lurker here so he can see that the road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions.
I also find the entertainingly ironic that the OP has virtually the same name as Traci Lord, a “woman” who became famous mostly for being not just a porn star, but an UNDERAGED porn star.
I know the reference of Tracy Lord, too, but I guess I must be a misogynist, because I find the similarity to Tracy Lords’ name a bit of a giggler, too. Damn. Now I am a misogynistic chick. Oh hell, is there a support group for that? Like Jews for Jesus or Skinheads against racial prejudice?
Agreed. If he tries to escalate things, then it might very well be stalking, but right now it just sounds like a typical case of an old guy trying to get a cute young girl in the sack. I suspect the reason it feels creepy is more because he’s old enough to be your dad than because his behavior actually poses a true threat.
Just make sure you don’t do anything further to give him the idea you are interested in him, and maybe talk to the mutual friend about the situation.
Actually, I was more referring to **billfish’s ** previous “damn you wimmins” post:
That said, I’m not really seeing the “stalking” here either. Of course, I haven’t been in a room with the guy, so I’m not in the best position to judge his creepiness. But a 20 minute visit, followed by some undetermined amount of time spent in his car afterward, followed by one completely unthreatening attempt to contact her, does not equal stalking.
Tell him you’re not interested. I’m willing to bet that will be the end of it.
Why did you write this? Are these the questions you want answered?
Stop inviting him into your house.
I don’t know, but it would probably go better if you take responsibility for your own response. Something like, “I’m feeling uncomfortable; I’m a private person and value my privacy” On the other hand, since that seems to be coming out of the blue, it might just be confusing.
I fail to see why it would be normal in a serious relationship and abnormal in a casual relationship (actually, if anything, I would find the latter more “normal” : a large age difference might be a problem in a relationship, but for a night…). Plus, a “considered relationship” has to begin somewhere. For instance sitting on a bed and drinking a tea.
But I should have read the whole thread. I failed to understand what was creepy at first. Now, I suspect that what was creepy was that he is soo oold.
What about something along the line of : “Thanks for your concern. I got my bag back. Unfortunately, I can’t come to the session on Thursday”? , followed by a clear “not interested” if he hits on you again (he probably will).
On the one hand, I agree that this is not stalking, and it seems likely (and hopeful!) that he’ll be dissuaded by some clear refusal signals.
On the other hand, waiting in your car outside people’s houses is creepy. Maybe he had a good reason, but I sure as heck would be creeped out by that too.
He hasn’t really done much to invite this level of abuse. You should trust the creepy feeling, though. But really…after a night of drinking and driving people around, he probably really needed to pee…and then he probably figured he should drink something non-alcoholic to keep him awake while he got himself home…and you didn’t discuss the layout of your flat, but if you’re in the kitchen making tea and he’s way down the hall in the bedroom sitting on your bed…that would be weird. But then, he gets down to his car, and decides to check his phone…and there’s a text message from a friend, checking to see if he got home alright, so he sits there and answers it for a few minutes…then leaves a note for you to let you know your phone has been found (because, you know, he can’t call you because you don’t have a phone, but he knows where you live) and maybe he likes you and would like to see you again… Give the guy a break. Be polite, but disinterested the next time you see him. If he’s not sitting outside your house every night, he’s probably not stalking you.
Yeah the problem is clearly you, not him. First you name yourself after a porn star then talk about how horrifying it is when a guy shows mild interest in you?
I don’t know how long he was sitting outside in his car based on your story, and what he was doing - he may have been just trying to pull himself together - as you mentioned he had been drinking and was preparing to drive.
All you have to do is say “I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea but I’m not interested in you in that way” and he will probably get it. If he doesn’t and continues to escalate his attempts at affection, then you might have a claim to stalkerism. But you aren’t nearly there yet, honey.
