Okay, I’m evil. Everybody knows that. There’s a memo and everything. And I’m planning to conquer the Earth and to oppress, oh, everyone, just to amuse myself, so I’ll be outlawing chocolate and cheese and short-haired cats and confiscating everybody’s Firefly DVDs.
Nonetheless there are limits, even for me. Crimes so black and vile that even I cannot countenance them. For this reason I am putting you on notice: once the thousand-year-Skald regime has taken power, anyone who goes into the restroom at work, relieves himself of copious amounts of solid waste, and not only neglects to flush but also leaves the toilet seat and floor wet with urine be fed to velociraptors cloned and trained for that express purpose.
That is truly heinous, and I, for one, welcome our new Skald overlord and his decisive actions against those who leave bathroom stalls in such disarray.
However, we’re completely unable to obtain velociraptors, as they’ve been extinct for over 65 million years and their DNA is so degraded as to be useless. We do have sea bass. Ill-tempered sea bass, I might add. They have the added advantage of being able to be placed in the toilet, saving space that would be wasted on unsightly velociraptor paddocks.
Fool of a Took! The leavers of feces are punished because they offend MY aesthetic sensibilities; the fact that the rest of you happen to benefit is a side effect. It’s the same reason I don’t use the Sun-Blower-Upper.
You know, I think I would like to see your resume. You have potential as a lieutenant. The pay won’t be much until until the conquest, but I have several surplus Monica Bellucci and Taye Diggs clones you can amuse yourself with.
We shall fight the Evil Overload with every drop of urine and every atom of feces in our bodies! We shall befoul toilets everywhere until he is defeated! We shall have vengeance for those who have fallen martyr to his saurian minions! Or his fish minions if such is the case!
I really don’t understand why you guys insist on telegraphing your opposition from locatiosn neither shielded from nuclear strikes, secured against hordes of flying monkeys, or sealed against swarms of radioactive bees.