I can see the recruitment posters already: Her Most Terrifying Mightiness, the Dread Lady Eats_Crayons strides out of the centre of the image, cape billowing to reveal hints of her Tragically-Scarred Beauty. The Dog That Ate (Some Of) The Evil is at her side, flames in her eyes and all. Minions and fighters, led by the Fiendish Fourteen, crowd behind. In the distance, a city of green hills and white towers is burning. The sun is setting.
Good may be more virtuous, but Evil has style, baby!
Do not make fun of the Godzillawang. Sure it’s more of a ceremonial codpiece, something so big would be difficult in battle. But as part of the dress uniform for the teeming minions it must still be treated with dignity and respect. It is part of a distinguihsed uniform – kinda like the big, tall, fuzzy, black q-tip hats you see on those English guys.
Speaking of the Enlgish and their poofy hats, while I seem to have a solid plan for the unglification of North America: let Canada invade the U.S., flood Canada, move into U.S. my Baby Killer Mobile, have the Hairy Butt Corps render cities to rubble, stop at Starbucks for a latte, continue south, something I’ll figure out when I get there, and – presto! – North America is mine. They will tremble when they hear my name! I will be the lead on the news (except Fox which will be too busy covering Michael Jackson’s trial in a fair and balanced way).
But I need a plan for expanding the Conquest of Doom franchise into Europe.
If I plunge my uncovered face into the ocean, enough aquatic life should perish from the sight and float to the surface, that we probably could just walk across, but once there where to begin?
England? Well, with their dentistry being was it is, our troops may face some serious counter-ugly when we arrive. Decisions, decisions…
Well, since I am of English descent and I have a bite pattern that looks like a train wreck, I think we can do some pre-emptive counter-counter-dental-uglification in return!
Ah, yes, little butt-pugly Frodo, in all his heinous glory. The real-life inspiration for the Hound of the Baskervilles! However he is too young and inexperienced to joing the ranks of the teeming minions. He has mastered the art of “Sit”, but we must wait until he learned “Menace”, “Devour”, “Maul” and “Don’t Pee on the Rug.”
I’m the only one allowed to have a bag over my head.
But with some hair gel, spray paint, crazy glue, and foam rubber we can probably make it look like that Fizgig thing from The Dark Crystal. But natural hideousness would be preferred. We should find a mutated kitten with two heads or something. We should look around Cleveland, or maybe Buffalo.
Mutant kitten, Sunspace. The Church and Dundas mutants are a dime a dozen. Heck, I’m within walking distance you should see what walks past my apartment late at night.
“Mignon” means “small” or “cute”. (As in a filet mignon which is literally a “small boneless meat” or “le chiot est très mignon” meaning the “puppy is very cute”).
So if you’re saying small, cute things are yummy, then I shall dub you Devourer of Kittens and you can board the black minion bus with all the cool kids.
