So my replacement, Sniffs_Markers’s new SO – I shall call her Chlamydia – looks like a cross between Gollum and an airedale terrier. And I was thinking to myself:
“Crayons…” mused I, “what does that say about your appeal? That a mummified troll with Greg Brady’s hair was chosen after you were dumped, since Sniffs wasn’t attracted to you?”
“Well,” answered the little voice that sometimes tells me to do bad things, "it suggests that you are in fact uglier than an inbred Ewok with severe genetic mutations.”
This saddens me.
I get some comfort knowing that Sniffs undoubtedly wakes up and, in the darkenss and haze of sleepiness, screams at the sight of the pod creature next to her, forgetting that, y’know, it’s just Chalmydia. But I’m afraid that just does not bolster my wounded self-image at this time.
What to do? What do to?
First I thought I should become a Crazy Cat Lady. I would be well-suited to that I think. I have two cats already, I would just need to start taking in the neighbourhood strays. I’m still young, not quite 33, but I could start on the Crazy Cat Lady thing early and perhaps perfect the technique of a demented laugh while I’m young. By the time I’m older than dirt, and residents of the neighbourhood say “Oh, she’s always been here”, my deranged cackle will be so finely tuned that children will be too afraid to trick-or-treat at my door on Hallowe’en.
Then I thought, perhaps I should start a buiness: “Hiccups Cured or Your Money Back”. I’ll pop out from behind a red vevlet curtain thus scaring the hiccups sufferer so severely his hiccups, and quite possibly his heart, will immidiately stop.
But no, I have decided that the only true course for one as repugnant as me… is world domination! No wait, not fancy enough, it requires capitalization: Wolrd Domination! (Much better). I may be the missing link between humans and our primate cousins. The very sight of me will surely make children cry and adults run screaming into the night. So tell me dear friends, tell me… What can I do to exploit my hideousness and take over the world?
If necessary, I am willing to become an Evil Master Mind, the new arch-nemesis of Batman perhaps, but only if I get henchment. Or minions! Minions would be cool.
