Fine, but don’t order the soup. I’m not cleaning up after you, dribble-face.
There’s an alternative solution: intimidating costumery.
Get yourself a spooky helmet, maybe shaped like a lizard skull or something, and some jet black armor with spikes all over it. And a flamethrower. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Don’t forget the codpiece.
Now, I haven’t seen what you looked like. Perhaps I should get out more? I’m sure that if you put a pic up like people have asked, you’ll be getting the entire Teeming Millions to compliment you.
You should realize that Sniffs_Markers realized how beautiful you were. She knew that you were so beautiful that she just had to let you go and let you be fawned over by so many people. Right? Now, if you go to an OttaDope soon cause I think you’re near here, and if we have another, then I’ll be able to tell you better in person.
P.S. Can I be a henchman too?
You think you have it tough??? She’s taking my left nut!
Codpiece! Of course, how silly!! As a minion facing major damage to my face, thankfully not my nuts, I purpose we eschew all physical disfigurments and simply all wear codpieces!
What ya think EC? Can you and your ugliness lead a army of codpiece wearing minons? Who could, or would, resist us??
:: shhllpp ::
Therzh a reashon we uzh shtrawzh…
:: shhllpp ::
:: mop with hankie ::
Oh please, small sacrifice. What, are you planning on knocking up your SO anytime soon? 
Well… okay. But they have to be sculpted all fancy like scary lizards or something. Give new meaning to the term “trouser snake”. And the girl minions have to wear te codpieces too.
And I suppose if Matt really wants to keep his left nut I could try substituting another ingredient into the Global Chaos potion. Instead of “nut of Matt” maybe I could toss in a puppy or something.
MWAHAHAHAHAHA
[drums fingers together]
Excellent.
Yes, you must recruit more minions, but we must remain covert until the Evil Master Plan of Supreme Uglyship comes into fruition.
So until doomsday there will be rules for the minion to guarantee covertness.
-
The first rule of Evil Minons of the Ugly Overlord Club is don’t talk about Evil Minons of the Ugly Overlord Club.
-
The second rule of Evil Minons of the Ugly Overlord Club is don’t talk about Evil Minons of the Ugly Overlord Club.
There’s going to be puppy kicking in this revolution? Where can I sign up? Let’s see, I need to be able to contribute somehow …
Ah, that’s the ticket. I can make the seas boil. Well, not all of them. Not even much of one. Just maybe a square foot, really. And then only after I’ve eaten a big veggie meal.
Oh, and I’m ugly too.
I allready own a mirrored codpiece, can I join your army? I also have Chain Mail and a long sword. Oh, and is that Llama you mentioned still available, I might need a trusty steed.
Mirrored??? Have ye lost your mind, lad? Would you have my own hideousness used against me? Sure I’ll have my paper baggie over my head when I’m with the troops, but but in the heat of battle I sure wouldn’t want an accidental glimpse of the repugnant mosaic of grotesqueness that is me!
No, you must wear the standard issues Trouser Snake like everyone else. The chain mail and long sword are in. The llama spits.
Well, seeing as my face on all the drink cups will quickly cause the collapse of Taco Bell, there’s sure to be a surplus of Gordita Supremes – there’s gonna be enough fuel for you to at least get Lake Michigan to simmer.
There goes my “Hay babe, I can see your face in my crotch” chatup line. Do you have any Llamas that swallow?
Well, if ytou’re gonna (try to) rule the world, you’ll need a cool villan name. Imean, Eats_Crayons is o good name, but it doesn’t exactly strike fear into the hearts of the masses. You need something like: “The Steel Tyrant” or maybe: “The Face of Agony”
Plus, when my hoard of Nordic Warriors faces off against you’re minions for complete control of the world, I’ll need I cool name to put into “[you’re name here] I’ll have you’re head before the day is done!”
How about “Uglier than Chlamydia!”
Speaking of Chlamydia, I was thinking… I was going to start my world conquest at a modest scale. First Rhode Island, then maybe Nova Scotia. You know, humble beginings. But then I thought a bit more. To be sure, Chlamydia’s face can sunder mountains. As I must be uglier than she, I may as well start out a bit more amibitously.
Should I try the entire northern hemisphere all at once, or just the eastern sea board?
If I may, oh high-exalted one, I suggest Canada first. Evil overlords need a forbidding headquarters, and a good old fashioned glacial Fortress of Solitude seems like just the ticket. From there your armies can cover the world.
Well, I’ll join if I can have the sparkly evening gown. Uhh… do I put this codpiece on over it or under it? If you need more pirates, I brought my own parrot. He types! He is already evil!
You’ll have to consider a user name change, dear.
Something like Eats_Babies or Eats_Grandma, perhaps?