Speaking as someone who has met you on more than one occasion, I can assure you that you are EXTREMELY attractive. Like… REALLY.
Ahem. Regaining composure here.
If you do end up taking over the world, can you do something about the weather up here?
I dunno, based on some of the responses in this thread it sounds like you need to stop thinking so much Bond villain and start thinking Evil Queen from Snow White.
What we know:
- Clamydia’s ugly.
- You ain’t. (Based on SDMB response).
- Former SO chose Chlamydia.
What we can assume:
- Former SO likes ugly people.
- Chlamydia is the ugliest in all the land.
Scale back from mountain-sundering, nut-wrangling, and minion-recruiting and focus more on apple-poisoning and mirror-talking. And cackling; cackling’s good too.
I would suggest as a first step towards Total Global Domination that you read the following list . It could prove very helpful. 
You seem to have a number of adequate minions. Could I be the first of your slobbering synchophants?
So, more like a “mutt of Nat”, then? That should work. Do we know anyone named Nathan who has a puppy?
" 'ello. My name is Inigo Montoya. My mistress is ugly. Prepare to cry."
Eats, I offer you my steel and my hideous, if oddly alluring, facial scars. I have a lead on a Dread Pirate job–I can wreak much havoc in your loathesome name…but first
:: Slash ::
:: Slash ::
:: POKE ::
Here’s some bandaids for your chin & forehead, and an eye patch. I am at your service.
Oh, can I help? I’m not ugly, exactly, but I tend to be a bit boring. Would that help? Plus, I have the nickname of a famous general who may well still be alive in book 19 of the series, and that ought to count for something.
This has all the marks of high drama to it. The scorned woman is convinced that she is ugly and takes over the entire world to seek her vengeance, and then is met and wooed by the long-lost sister of Clamydia (I’m speaking extemporaneously here; we can have script doctors patch up the holes; it doesn’t have to be Claymdia’s long lost sister, it could be anyone’s long lost sister. The wooing is the important bit) who convinces her that she really isn’t ugly and she is worth loving. Disney would definitely option it (hell, they’ve optioned a Clive Barker novel – they’d love this) When you start chatting with blue birds and other forest life, we’ll know the denouement is near and I’ll have plenty of time to sneak away before your change of heart/selling out your minions/seeking redemption/disabling the bomb that some loyal but unthanked minions spent a lot of time and energy working on, not that some evil overlords I could mention phase for a change and won’t have to answer all those awkward questions.
Sorry, where was I? Oh, yes:
Chainsaw. Much cooler.
I’d recommend Rhode Island, the Newfoundland. See if they notice. Actually, I’d do Newfoundland first, because there can be a really long line at customs, and sometimes they ask awkward questions, like “Are you visiting the United States as the first step in an attempt at world domination? Are you sure?”. Also, they can be scary.
So, can I help? Sometimes I don’t even use run on sentences.
what you need first off, is to get your hands (by any means necessary) on this book: how to be a villain
once you have mastered that tutorial, you might also want to check out the villain’s guide to better living.
Now things are cooking!
Inigo Montoya has given us a good proactive post to get things moving. I mean, really: Gamorrean Guards may be inpressive, but sometimes you need minions with a bit more get-up-and-go, and Inigo’s post is a good example of that.
And you just know Her Terrible Mightiness’d use the Princess Fiona technique. Which could also be used on unsuspecting former lovers/compatriots/contractors, not that I am suggesting anything.
As for conquest, hasn’t Her Terrible Mightiness’s Icy Glare of Death already done a number on the East Coast?
I was going to suggest Eats_Crayons, Hideous Beast, Destroyer of Worlds. Has a nice ring to it.
“I am become Eats_Crayons, Destroyer of Worlds.” Doesn’t really scan.
Naw, you got this all backwards. You’ve screwed up her baseline by being too good looking. See, after being with you, your ex can no longer tell the difference between reasonably good looking people at C.H.U.D.s. After you, everyone else just looks the same.
Alternative: she’s got some freaky amphibian fetish, and needed someone to fulfil her yen for bug eyes and damp, clammy flesh.
Failing the above options, can I be Overseer of the Crayola Mines? The downtrodded masses of Beautiful People will feel my cruel lash often as they labor to pull from the unyielding earth the raw sustenance that powers your hideous evil.
(insert all of Eats_Crayons’ posts here)
Phphpbhhfphtphttpuhtufphuttuh.
How you could not see yourself as absolutely gorgeous is beyond me. You’re worse than me, and I’m starting to be convinced that I look like Quentin Tarantino.
I’ll have you know that a good 90% of the male staff at the Carlton was checking you out.
May I suggest **“Eats YOUR Crayons!” ** as a new name?
Regarding the whole codpiece thing – can I wear one of those thigh-mounted ones? (I’m kind of short on dates, myself. I need all the help I can get.)
Folks, whatever Eats’s current low self-esteem might be making her say, don’t be fooled. It is no exaggeration to say that she is one of the more attractive women I know, as many of the posters in this thread can attest*.
On the other hand, it is one of the wittier threads I’ve read in a while.
- They can attest that Eats is a very attractive woman, I mean. I don’t want to think about whether or not they can rate her looks relative to women I know.
Wow, look at all the posts while I was gone. Sorry folks, had to go pickup a few things at the Super Villains R Us. Granted it’s a big box store, but it’s the only place where you can pick up the “Guide to Daemonic Laughter”, Martha Stewart’s “Double Damask Doomsday Devices”, and some really neat mideval torture stuff that would suit fetishist everywhere.
I was picking out my Arch Villain outfit. I’m trying to choose bewteen the Cruella DeVille puppy dog coat (Oo! Bishon frise! So soft!) or the Darth Vader outfit. I’m kind of partial to the Cruella outfit, but the pointy-toed sling backs look a little uncomfortable. But then, that Darth Vader helmet… damn it’s hard to breathe in that thing!
OOO! OOO! I want to be a girl minion. Or a gendqueer minion, if you want to be all PC n’ stuff. I’d be a great minion. I’m really ugly, but it’s only garden variety overweight-white-trash-girl-with-a-mullet ugly. Not really scary, more like eyebrow lifting.
Then again I DO have a superpower, based on the last woman who deigned to sleep with me who isn’t currently my wife, and that is I can make anyone who crawls into bed with me cry. And not in a good way.
See, I’d be useful! If anyone dare survive your hideous visage, just dump them in the sack with me and they’ll be dead from facial dehydration in a matter of moments.
Okay, I’m going for the Darth Vader outfit. Only I’ll ditch the helmet and keep my paper baggie. Easier to breathe in that and if I ever start to hyper-ventilate I’ll be ready.
Now, back to business…
Earthworm Jim - Well I could conquer Canada first, but they are preparing to invade the United States themselves. We’re pretty quiet folks so you may not have noticed out entire population of 200,000 assembling along the border with our hockey sticks. Well, all except those folks from Nunavut who said it was too damn hot to cross into North Dakota.
conurepete - You can have the sparkly evening gown and heck I’ll even toss in the Cruella-style puppy fur coat. The shoes pinch and the earrings are clip on.
Really Not All That Bright - “Eats_Babies”… I like it! Never been fond of children, but I’ve discovered that if you marinate them first and then season them juuust right…
LaurAnge - As a matter of fact, once all the Canadians are in the occupied territories of the U.S. and have declared martial law, I plan on briefy removing the paper bag from my face – this will melt the polar ice caps and will cause a flood of previously unseen proportions and will result in some excellent canoeing on the streets of Toronto and Calgary and white water rafting down Mount Royal.
silenus - I’m all for slobbering synchophants, however, Sunsapce is really providing all the drool I can manage right now. You should see what he did to the upholstery of the Baby Killing Mobile trying to eat an ice cream cone while running down pregnant grandmothers (they’re having kids in their 60s now!)
Giraffe - “Mutt of Nate”… isn’t Eonwe’s name some such combo. Does he have a dog?
Inigo - Your oddly alluring facial scars look both tough and determined, and at the same time are disturbing enough to make pre-schoolers cry… Hm… See Dob about getting a codpiece then use the bicycle to sharpen your nose, I think you can be the Minister of Facism. You’ll like it, you get cool boots.
Yes, you can be the Unsettling Herald of Doom. It’s easy. One word. Just find people when they are nearly napping, then suddenly you’ll come a tapping, a gentle rapping, rapping at their chamber door. When they say “who is it?” you will quoth just “Nevermore!”
Miller - You can be the overseer of the Crayola mines. If the slaves misbehave, throw them into the Pit of Despair and Gnashing of Teeth (aka Wal-Mart).
To my recollection that was one toothless janitor who kept vigorously shaking his head for the buzz, and a strange guy who was looking at discarded cups for ice to chew.
Tenar - Yes, you can have the Gozillawang codpiece. Be warned, it does spew flames, make sure you wear asbestos underwear.
Throw in a uni-brow, an “I Love Def Leppard” tattoo, and I’ll put a bag over your head and you can be the Official Decoy.
Just like that chick in the really bad Star Wars prequel. Your ugliness will frighten just enough to cause a distraction if I need to escape in a hurry. This of course means that you’ll be the one blown to smithereens if there’s an assassin out to get me, but meh, whatever.
I know it’s not really possible for them to have a baby, but I would like, nay, pay good money to see them try.
Hag hag.
Brillant!
Eats_Crayons is a liar. She is not ugly. At least not on the surface.
Eats, maybe Sniffs has realized what a idiot she was to dump you and is punishing herself for her stupidity.
Or maybe she has some serious beer goggles. Whiskey Goggles.
Darling, you could make a good dog break a leash. I kid not.