I need help - stress relief

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So what with one thing and another, the stress is building in the ol’ Mika household. Job is stressful, but that will relax soon enough. There are some money issues, the car may break down at any moment but I can’t buy a new one, and the SO is in serious dangerous of losing his job due to willful and capricious bosses.

All of that I can deal with, it’s just life. But I have to do something next month that is really hard for me. I don’t wanna bore with details, but it will be the biggest test of my self-esteem in my life. And it preys on my mind.

Not so much when I’m awake. I’ve managed to avoid thinking about it, mostly. But I am having a great deal of trouble sleeping. I’m breaking out, which is a clear sign of stress in me. (I’m 29, won’t it ever stop?) And I notice other little worrying traits, too, like canker sores. The lack of sleep is the worst though…got bags under my eyes.

I’ve tried all my old remedies. Picked up a new hobby, confided in my friends, my SO is 100 % supportive. I exercise. I read a lot. Play D&D. Watch movies. But I must emphasize how huge this upcoming thing is and I really am having a hard time dealing with it.

Please note I won’t take any medicine! Especially not sleeping pills. I just wanna know how you guys deal with stress, and maybe take some ideas home.

2

So…what is this really big thing? Gotta give a sponge bath to an old boyfriend and not look or something?

Typically what I do when stress gets to be too much is flip out and try to drink myself into a state of semi-consciousness before I can get a good suicide plan in order. So I’m probably not a good resource just now. But…curious as hell what this big old test of self esteem could be that’s punching holes in your body!

3

Well, there’s always more doses of Vitamin S.

Sex. Yep, that always takes the stress away.

What? It works just great for me!

In a more serious vein, assuming you’re not as susceptible to the curative properties of Vitamin S as your humble correspondent is, then I have an even more typically male response: solve the problem.

That is, figure out how you’re going to handle this Thing Next Month. Break it down, so that you know you’re ready to deal with all the possible ways it could go. The thing that makes a looming event stressful has got to be (in large measure) the uncertainty of what will happen. Yes?

So - attack. Prepare. Solve it.

(Not knowing the Thing, of course, I have no idea if this is applicable. But whenever I hear about a problem like this, solving it is my first instinct.)

4

Sex, sex and more sex. I’m having a stressful time of it too. Maybe we can help each other? :slight_smile:

OK, I got nuttin’

I too am having some trouble sleeping. I used to take Melatonin, and have had some success with it. It takes a few weeks to kick in (at least I have found.)

Sending supporting thoughts your way! :slight_smile:

5

Nope. Almost 40, still happens when I stress out.

Eurgh. I’ve had insomnia for as long as I can remember. I’ve come a long way with it, but 6 hours a night is still the best I can do, and I still get the occasional bouts when I’m stressed. In January, I started a weekly yoga class at my gym. I also started working out first thing in the morning. Since then my sleep patterns are much better. I’m able to think clearer during the day. Also, since working out is sooooo booooring, I end up thinking about the stuff I’m stressed about and finding ways to resolve it. As Bricker said, it’s much less intimidating when you face the problem instead of running from it. Just remind yourself that when it happens, it will be over with fairly quickly (it will, right?) and things of this nature are rarely as bad as we build them up in our minds to be. And good luck :slight_smile:

6

Oh. And hitting the spa for an aromatherapy facial always, Always ALWAYS relaxes.

7

I’m going to take a stab in the dark and guess that this “thing” might have something to do with Thanksgiving and families? That’s about a month away, and I guess this because I am facing a similar “highly stressful event” dealing with my husband’s family over the Thanksgiving holiday.

My plan is to drive my own car instead of fly, so I won’t be trapped at their mercy. I’m also taking all my children as a buffer. Children also work as an excuse to get out of their house. “Oh, the kids want to go see a movie/eat at McDonalds/to the comic book store”. Plus, having my children broadens my pool of humans I can talk to that I don’t despise.

I know you don’t have children, though, so I’m going to echo Bricker’s fine suggestion of extensive sex and planning. It works, too, and I plan on inserting as much of that as I can into my holiday routine without scandalizing the children.

8

A hot bubble-bath?

Also, I’ve always found that thinking about a problem I must deal with is much worse than the actual dealing-with. Try visualizing how you’re going to accomplish The Thing Next Month. Over and over, 'til you’re almost bored with it. Pretty much what Bricker said.

9

Between your and Bricker’s replies, I think you’ve hit the high points! I’d love to go to a spa (never been) but if money is part of the stress factor, it wouldn’t work for me. The sex would though. And the drinking.

10

Breaking out eh? I can tell when I’m stressed by the state of my nails/cuticles. I went through a tough couple weeks just now (hopefully it’ll end today, got some GOOD news from a doctor for a change!!) and my fingers look like I hand fed the piranhas.

Like Inigo, I drink too much when I’m stressed. That’s not your style either, so that’s out. I don’t know that too much sex is ever a bad thing, but I don’t know it’s a really effective help.

Good hard physical exertion boosts the endorhins and improves your mood, but bottom line I think is that I agree with Bricker. Solve the problem, or at least have a plan.

I seem to temember something you mentioned in another thread somewhere about a trip out of state people you’d see there? If it’s something like that, it’s going to take resolve. Hold your own, be yourself and know that you can’t take the same thing from people that they foisted on you back in those days. It’s not easy, I have a similar battle every time I see my older sister. But once you know you can do it, you’ll gain such a peace and self-confidence you’ll be amazed at how much better you feel.

11

Ok, **FaerieBeth **has nailed it. At Thanksgiving I have to go see my mother, my two aunts and the young man they “adopted” some time ago (presumably to get him into the country).

I’ve posted about my mom on these boards before…she is the biggest fucking stress in my life. She spent all my years from age 14 on belittling me and emotionally abusing until I moved out. My aunts were nowhere near as bad but they are not innocent.

I haven’t seen my mom in many years. I renewed acquaintances with her last October. Anyway, I got badgered into going - they bought the tickets, and now I have to deal with them all at once. I did *want *to see my aunts, but tried to get out of it when I heard my mom was going to be there, too.

Plus this creepy psuedo-cousin is freaking me out. I found out that my mom had suggested to get him married to *me *to get him into the country. No, she didn’t ask me…we weren’t on speaking terms then.

They have little to no respect for my person and the life I’ve chosen for myself, and I know they’ll be questioning me for the whole 4 days I’l lbe there.

How do I break it down? It’s my *mom *- it’s sure been hard to throw the mantle off, and it’s always ready to come back. :frowning:

12

That’s rough, Anaamika, and I’m sorry you’ll have to go through it.

It almost sounds like we’re going to the same place. My husband’s parents are Guyanese (Indian), so I’m facing constant judgments on everything from my cooking ability to my lack of catholic-ness. I’ll be questioned and ridiculed on my parenting skills and reminded that before I make any decisions, I should consult them or another adult (I’m 34). I’ll face the constant, oppressing disapproval of the fact that I am a) not an Indian girl, b) not Catholic, c) I was previously married, and d) I had the audacity to bear children to that previous husband.

Truly, I feel your pain.

13

The best possible thing to do, finances allowing, is to stay at a hotel. Otherwise you’re going to be in “fight or flight” mode the entire visit.

Also, see if you can get your mom alone when you see her and tell her as diplomatically as you can that you will not accept her passive aggressive behavior anymore. And if she does fall into old habits, leave the room. Don’t say anything, don’t give her any ammunition, just get up without a word and go somewhere else.

14

I have no idea how well this may work for you.

But to my way of thinking, while you owe your mother honor and respect, there are practical limits to that honor and respect, and you reach them the moment she begins to intrude, by word or deed, into your domain as an adult woman in your own right.

I think it’s far too easy to get dragged down into familiar patterns, which escalate quickly to familiar screaming matches or familiar kow-towing and teeth-grinding, whichever you used to do.

And I think the solution to that is to remember that you are a self-sufficient woman in your own right, and that your interaction with your mom NOW is a matter of choice, and it should be bounded by mutual respect - both ways.

And if she doesn’t see it that way, then you react by closing down the doors. The first time the sallies get too personal or critical, you simply react as though you were hearing it from a well-meaning stranger. You respond cooly with, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “Oh? How interesting. I don’t agree.”

In other words - break the cycle. She’ll respond to you like she always has if you respond to her like you always have. But if her efforts to tell you who to marry, how to dress, or how to think about something are met with polite disinterest, she may well reach an understanding that things are different now.

And if she doesn’t, your response stays the same. No drama, no yelling, no banging of doors, and certainly no humble retreat either. Just a calm and confident air that says, “I know what I want, I know what I wish to do, and I don’t care to defend or discuss it.”

And think about it: why should you? Anything you’re about right now is presumably the result of a conscious choice on your part. You are who and what you are because it makes sense; because it’s meritorious. Right?

So let that certainty be your guide. And eventually - sooner or later - that calm confidence will permeate even the most reluctant of skulls, and she’ll begin to understand that your path is YOURS.

Plus, Thanksgiving doesn’t last forever. :slight_smile:

Best of luck.

15

The funny thing is (ha-ha), if I am stressed from now until then and keep breaking out, she will complain about my acne.

And Maureen, no way could I stay at a hotel…just couldn’t happen.

It’s only a few days, from Wednesday morning to Sunday morning, Thanksgiving weekend. And as I said, I am looking forward to seeing my two aunts, and learning how to cook a few Indian meals I could never master (I still can’t cook rice on the stovetop).

I just have to stand up to her, and I know she will pester me on everything from my job to financial status to my hair to my…oh, damnit.

16

Can’t stand my mom. I’ve seen good people eaten alive by cancer and yet…she lives on much to my chagrin. After 6 years of self-imposed exile I agreed to bring her grandchildren halfway across the country to her so she could see them (2 of them for the first time). She started in on her same crap within 12 hours. Within an hour of that I had the car & kids packed up and we were gone. Bitch.

Mika, you don’t have to take any grief at all from someone, just because they hold a title they aren’t fit for. As an adult human in this country you have the right, nay, the duty to get right back in her face if she starts in with the grief. You need to take disrespect from nobody. It’s not a matter of failing a test of integrity, not unless you cave in and allow her to berate you and hook you up in an arranged marriage with creepy boy.

17

IIRC, that’s one of the reasons they have NOT spoken in so long; Anaamika dared fall for and marry someone not up to mom’s specs.

I’m sorry you can’t stay anywhere else. I’m assuming it’s because your aunts would feel hurt and of course you don’t want that. But jeez, do they care that YOU are going to be hurt?

Look at it this way. You go in there knowing that you are giving your mother this chance to heal things, not the other way around. If that doesn’t happen, you can walk away from it with a completely clear conscience, knowing you have given her every opportunity to be a mother to you, and that you have nothing left to prove. Inigo is right; you simply do not need that in your life.

18

{{{{{Mika}}}}}

19

'Ello. My name is Inigo Montoya. And I approve this message.

20

Write those phrases down. Carry them with you at all times. Another one to add - “That doesn’t work for me.” You’re not saying anything about her - you’re talking about how you feel about it. No one can argue (successfully) with you stating how YOU feel about something.

As for the relaxation, one thing you can tell yourself is it’s not happening now, so why are you worrying about it now? Plenty of time to deal with the situation once you’re actually in it, armed with your cue cards full of phrases.

And try conscious relaxation. Get a tape if you can - one of those guided relaxations where you tense and release your muscles from your feet to your head. They WORK!