I need help wrt my mom's passing and what happens with wills and such?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My mom died on July 13, 2013. My stepfather kept me away from the house for a month, I was giving him room to grieve. When he did call me up there he had emptied the house of almost everything my mother had owned, and refused to give me anything of hers other than some children’s books. I know that most of her things were given to his friends at the church he goes to. He has since then refused to talk to me, as has everyone at the church he goes to. I have never seen a will, he said that my mother gave him everything to do with as he wished, which I know is not true, but he told me if I had wanted anything I should have brought up a notebook and had mom sign off on anything she wanted me to have. Well, mom told me often over the years what was supposed to go to whom, so . . .

To have the man who I had called dad for 35 years to turn on me in this way has just blown my fucking mind. That he would up and shun my children and rob them of what their grandmother wanted them to have, well, I am brokenhearted and livid, depending on the moment you might ask me.

My aunt and cousin, who are far more knowledgeable with this sort of thing did some digging and there is no will posted anywhere. They say I have a right to see her will, and if she died intestate, which is a possibility considering the circumstances, then what do I do? Did I grieve for too long before being able to address it and too bad?

I apologise for my poor writing, I am still emotionally raw over this, and I don’t want to spend the night crying. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks for listening to my issue.

2

You don’t tell us where you live, which is absolutely vital to getting a valid answer.

In many states, if she died intestate with a surviving legal spouse, everything goes to the spouse (just as he told you).

3

More than three years after your mother died is a long time for you to still be feeling so “emotionally raw” that you might cry yourself to sleep. Regardless of what happens with her belongings (and IANAL but tend to agree with post #2), it’s time for you to find some peace and move on with your life. I am not necessarily a big fan of therapy, but this is quite possibly a case where it could really help to talk to someone about dealing with your feelings. I’m sorry for your loss and wish you all the best in coming to terms with your mother’s passing, her estate, and your stepfather’s behavior.

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Moderator Action

Since this is seeking advice, let’s move it to IMHO (from GQ). Any factual information about wills an such is of course still welcome.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

5

Sorry, I am in Washington State.

I had to really work at not making this post a tl/dr, it’s a huge complicated mess. This man went from 35 years of being my dad to giving my mom’s belongings that he knew she wanted me to have away, even the wife of their best friend couple agreed that what he did, he did with malice. And I don’t know why. Why was he my kids grandad for 35 years and then - nothing? There is a huge church component to the story as well, and I just don’t think anyone here wants to read about it. I am in therapy, last month when I saw her I finally broke down and laid the story out for her, and she was horrified and said that he is psychotic. I get that sometimes you don’t get closure, you just have to move on.

Anyway, if mom left everything to him, shouldn’t there be something written down? They had a lawyer and were frequently changing thing in their wills. He frequently sat me down and outlined how things were going to be split between my stepsister and I. After mom died he forbade my stepsister from having any contact with me, but she recently sent me a pm telling me that he has now cut her off.

There was a lot of antique jewelry that belonged to her family and was to be passed down. Grandpa did a lot of work in Alaska back in the day. Gold, ivory, loose gemstones, all I wanted was the roses I helped her plant in pots the last year of her life, and her bible, and the family photos - photos before he was in the picture.

He took her ashes along with his daughter and two other couples to Hawai’i to spread her on the beaches. My aunt had to be pushy and paid her own way in order to be part of her sister’s . . . I don’t even know what to call it. To be cut off like that was like a knife in my heart. My aunt loves me and brought some of mom home, and I want my ashes and hers to be combined and scattered.

I readily admit that I am having a terrible time moving on, it feels like an amputation. Again, he told me he was my dad for 35 years, and he managed to make me believe him and trust him, and it was a fucking lie for most of my life. Maybe I ought to not care, but I still do.

6

I hope someone here can help you I am no expert. Others on hear I’m sure would no more. But since I saw that no one had answered yet I quickly type this into Google search: Washington state, will, probate, spouse, step children “no will”

Maybe these search results can help?

…Go to the site to read more…

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… Go to the site to read more…

8

Without a will, spouse inherits all of the community property, separate property of your mother is split equally between spouse & children.

The above applies if she left no written will.
If she did have one, then it should be on file with the probate court of the county where they lived. And such records are public info, so you can see it even if stepfather doesn’t want that. Of course, he could have destroyed the will. But the lawyer should have a copy, ask him about it.

Personally, it sounds like you are well rid of this stepfather.

9

I suppose it depends on the state, but it was my understanding even with a will there is a probate and it all has to be done through the local authority. Death certificates issued and filed, public notices, etc. If she died intestate there would be a judge involved. All this is moot after three years, however.

10

This really seems odd, coming 3 years after the death.

You don’t know if your mom had a will? I come from a family where - more than once - relatives inadvertently screwed relatives over through poor planning. If your mom dropped the ball, she deserves a part of the blame.

If they were married for 35 years, most everything could have been communal property - meaning without a will stepdad already owned it.

Stepdad turned out to be a dick. The stuff - is just stuff. Cherish your memories of your mom, and move on with your life.

11

A few things I noticed:

1)The biggest thing: The will, or lack of one. I’m willing to bet there isn’t one. IME, it’s quite common for spouses to make a will leaving everything to the other spouse, if for no other reason, to make everything easier after death. If that was the case, if she had a will that left everything to him, ISTM, that he’d say ‘here’s the will, now leave me alone’. I have no idea how all the intestate stuff works and I’m not going to pretend to. 10 seconds of googling and reading this thread mention ‘nearest relative’, ‘spouse’ and ‘children’. My guess is that your best bet would be to get a (probate?) lawyer (in your state, preferably in your country/jurisdiction) to help you deal with this. They may also be able to force him to produce the most recent copy of any will she had, if one exists, if not, they can certainly explain to you what should happen to her belongings in the absence of one and probably refer you to a civil lawyer should you want to move forward. I assure you, this is hardly the first time something like this has happened (will or no will). Death of a family member brings out the absolute worst in people.
I’ve seen, first hand, brothers and sisters do absolutely bizarre stuff that made no sense when money was at stake after their mother died.

2)In the OP you said no one in the church (his friends) would talk to you, that bugged me, that means he knew/knows you’ve been asking around and he told them to keep mum. Same for his daughter and anyone else you run into dead ends with. Again, if he’s right, in the eyes of the law, there should be no issues. He could just produce some cites or even just say ‘hey, get a lawyer’ on the assumption that your lawyer, on your dime, would set your straight. If everything is legally his, he shouldn’t have any problem proving it.

3)Lastly, you really have to decide if what she had and what you want is worth the stress that you’re putting yourself through. If it’s just a few collectables that you can do without…move one. I know, it sucks, but in the long run, it’ll suck less if you don’t battle it out in court for years. If it’s money, again, decide if it’s worth it. A few thousand, probably not worth it. A few hundred thousand…maybe worth poking around a bit.
Few things to mention:
If you’re going to do something, do it soon, statute of limitations and all that.

Also, he’s clearly disposing of things.
I’m taking everything you’re saying at face value

Look into this intestate stuff, you may even, on your own, be able to research it by yourself if you can find (by law) that without a will you were owed something, file a civil suit against him for (example) “The most recent copy of her will OR $45,000 which is my best estimate of what should be owed to me based on blah blah blah”. It’ll cost you a few bucks to file it and might put light a fire under his ass to either show you a copy of the will or say 'we both know $45k is insultingly wrong, how about $5k". Then you take that and move on.

(Also, for everyone reading along at home, please keep in mind that I’m just ‘thinking outloud’ here and probably have no idea what I’m talking about).

12

I have no advice to offer because I know none.

I am sorry for your loss and your situation.

13

(Bolding mine.) Don’t underestimate the appetite of Dopers for stories like yours - if you want to share, I’m sure you’ll have many readers. If it is too exhausting to contemplate writing it all out, or you think it wouldn’t help you come to terms with things, then of course don’t bother. But if it would be cathartic, go right ahead (as long as you are prepared for lots of commentary, of course).

BTW, we joined the Straight Dope on the same day (I know this because I got sucked into a zombie ATMB thread that gave instructions on how to figure out and list the people who joined at the same time). Our mothers died 4 days apart. Kinda weird, huh?

14

I would look into the laws of your states, very closely.

Here’s what this website says: Washington Intestate Succession | Nolo

•with a spouse and children - spouse inherits all of your community property and 1/2 of your separate property: children inherit 1/2 of your separate property

So the question is, what is of value other than community property? Unless she was well off, not a lot. Community property would be the house, car, most of the stuff in the house, etc.

What I do find troubling - IANAL - is that there was no probate. My dad died with a written witnessed will, still it has to go to NJ superior court for the executor to be approved, etc.

See this: http://www.wa-probate.com/Instructions/Is-Probate-Necessary.htm

So the question is - in whose name was the house? I presume it’s in his name. If she also did not have $100,000 in other assetsin her name, then no probate was needed either.

If your “step-father” acted like that, odds are he moved everything possible into his name beforehand. Or was the house something she owned before she remarried? Regardless, after 35 years it’s community property.

Yes, it’s her fault too for not writing these things down. Did she really live with this guy for 35 years and not see through him, or did she willfully turn a blind eye to his personality?

15

Thank you everyone for your comments. I have accepted that everything is gone, my aunt keeps on me because there was a lot of money involved. I did speak to an attorney a year or more ago, and he said I had a case, but it was going to cost me money to try to get what I am due, and I just don’t have it.

It has taken a lot out of me to even put this out there, but I think this is the real beginning of my moving on. I need to get all of these thoughts and emotions out of my head, and I need to get past the rejection. Bottom line is that what hurts the most, not the money, jewelry, things.

CairoCarol that we joined on the same day is interesting, I remember the day well! Winter in Kodiak, snowing and blowing! I loved the Dope so much back then, it was my window on the real world outside the island. Condolences on losing your mom, another coincidence? Mom’s name was Carol.

I did a lot of writing on this today, the majority I pasted into a document because, well, 35 years is hard to cover without tl/dr, and today was about ripping off a festering scab. I think it would be good for me to get it out of my head, and get some different perspective on it all, Dopers are nothing if not brutally honest. A lot of it is really messed up, and there is certainly snark fodder, but what the hell. It’s a good time of the year for a horror story. I will start a separate thread, as there is some good information in this one that I don’t want to get lost.

Thank you again, all who responded. You helped me put an end to the vacillating between pursuing the issue or letting it go. Just call me Elsa.

16

I don’t know if I’m stretching the “looking for coincidences” past the breaking point, and I also don’t know how kaiwik is supposed to be pronounced … but my mother’s name was Kay :slight_smile:

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Kay/wik.

Cue the Twilight Zone intro . . .

:smiley:

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I just realized it gets even a little eerier than Carol/CairoCarol and Kay/Kaiwik … it would involve revealing a bit more real-life into than I’m willing to do on line, so I’ll send a PM to kaiwik. But … WHOA!!!

19

And even if you have it, does he? Just for argument’s sake, let’s say you come up with a few hundred dollars for legal fees and the lawyer (again for argument’s sake) can rightfully squeeze him for $50 or $100k. If he doesn’t have it, in the end, you’re out the legal fees and that’s the end of the line. You’re a bit worse off financially, you’re more angry at him than you were before and the moving on process has to start over…again. About the only upside to winning a judgement when the defendant has no money is that you can place a lien against him (and often even if you don’t) it’ll make it a real pain for him if he ever wants to move or buy/sell a house. So you may actually see the money someday.

20

Kaiwik, I have nothing to offer except a huge hug and my deepest condolences. Three years later is NOT “too long” to still be feeling so raw after getting the shaft from your stepdad the way you did–on top of losing your mom. Grieving takes as long as it takes and no one can determine the timetable for you. I am so so sorry for the loss of your mom and for all mementos and keepsakes, too.