I need to have my neighbor thrown out and/or murdered. How do I do this?

The BBQ Pit
1

I have a trashy cunt neighbor whose apparent favorite hobby is having loud screaming matches with her daughter’s boyfriend. I’ve heard more than one of these, but when it happened at 4 the fuck a.m. on a school night, I had officially grown sick of their shit. I regret not having gone out into the hall to find out who these assholes were, but the past is in the past, mistakes were made, and so on. So I figured because she is such an epic piece of trash, this will happen again, and when it does, it is on and crackin’. Weeeellll, it happened again. It’s past fucking midnight, and I have to hear this ugly racist cunt scream at her daughter’s boyfriend at odd hours.

Fortunately, unlike the 4 a.m. incident, I was wearing pants at the time, had just gotten home, so the idea of getting up and going into the hallway wasn’t much of a deal. I told the idiot cunt to knock off the noise, and she responded by telling me how the boy is such a terrible boyfriend, is sporadically employed, etc, none of which I give a fuck about. I give a fuck about not being able to get any goddamn sleep because this dumb cunt won’t shut her fucking cake hole. And of course, being the kind of mangy cunt who would scream at the top of her lungs at 4 in the fucking morning, she didn’t apologize, but instead told me to mind my business, and so what if I called the landlord.

This bitch…

So… I need to launch a campaign to have this lady (using the term loosely here) tossed out or murdered. I KNOW my neighbors have heard this. People in Tahiti have fucking heard this. I now know her name and what unit she lives in and have complained to the landlord. Should I slip notes under my neighbors’ doors identifying this dumb cunt and instructing them to all complain about her? I need to rally them somehow, right? I am 100% certain they’re heard her, and am guessing that they, like I until now, were pissed but didn’t know who the perpetrator was, making it hard to complain. So informing them would be the best route? What can be done, specifically, to rid myself a nuisance neighbor? I don’t want to be the only one complaining to management, lest I seem like someone who just likes to whine. And if I am the only one whining, am I screwed or is there some method of effective complaining?

I am just so sick of this shit, it’s not even funny. I honestly had to restrain the urge to punch a cunt in the face. And I don’t mean this as a matter of expression. I had to say to myself, “My dear, do NOT punch this woman.”

And look, for the record, I am not a Gladys Kravitz. I do not get in people’s shit, I do not call the cops every time I hear a pin drop, I do not peer through my curtains trying to figure out what my neighbors are doing. But these repeated fucking shouting matches at all hours in what used to be a quiet building have raised the my hackles to infinity and then some.

Sorry about the excessive profanity. Well not really, but I am really fucking mad right now and need tactical advice about what to do about this worthless piece of garbage shitting up my building.

:mad: <— This is me right now.

2

Record her.

3

IMHO - if it is a decent management company - they will care even if only one person complains. If you haven’t complained about other stuff - then they will probably take you seriously.

Good luck - I don’t really care what my neighbors do with their personal lives - they can have hookers over at 3am - just keep the noise down - and don’t interfere with my life. I’d be mortified if someone that lived with me was screaming so my neighbors could hear.

4

Just remembered: State law, depending on where you live, might prohibit any recording without her knowledge/permission.

5

Umm, unless you live in some terrible hellhole, there is probably a law against screaming at the top of your lungs at midnight wherever you live.

Call the police on the non-emergency number next time.

6

Ah, brilliant! This requires more patience than I have right now (means I have to wait for next time), but should be pretty effective. Next time, and the certainty I have that there will be one makes me sad, I’m recording. I have had more than enough. Edit: Oh, wait, recording’s possibly illegal? Drat!

But even if there isn’t a next time, I still want her gone. Is that more vindictive than practical? I suppose it is. I’m okay with that.

I live in Chicago, so yes.

7

Record these shit fits. This won’t really help solve the problem, but it will provide some entertainment while we think about what to do next.

As far as I know there’s no law against having a recording of what you hear inside your own apartment. Maybe you were working on a project to record the hum of your refrigerator in the interest of science, or trying to find sonic evidence of a rabid mouse living in your closet. If it happens to pick up an insane neighbor screaming outside that’s not your problem.

8

My management has a 3 strikes rule. It takes time. I had drunk yelling, asshole neighbors when I first moved in and it took a while. I called in my first complaint a couple months after I moved in, the day after the police were called (the man wasn’t on the lease and mgmt didn’t know he was living there. They couldn’t kick them out for that, exactly, and all the police could do was escort him out for the day or something, he was only out overnight IIRC). Once I had the name of the guy at the mgmt company and his email, I just emailed the next few incidents. Each time, the woman got a phone call and a nastygram from mgmt, which is the documentation they need in order to start eviction proceedings if it continues. This took place over several months, though, and by the time there was enough to use against her, her lease was up and they simply told her to move.

Anyway, it starts with documenting complaints, so I would think the more neighbors who participate would help things move along faster. If your building has a history of being quiet, I think your mgmt company is likely a more proactive one. I’ve found the good mgmt companies that vet their tenants well (despite an occasional lemon) and take care of their buildings, tend to have fairly quiet properties. I was worried a little moving into this place with all the Loyola students taking up the large 4 bed units, but it’s been surprisingly fine. (the problem woman and boyfriend were in their 60’s!)

She is breaking her lease agreement if she is “interfering with the quiet enjoyment of your home.” And the management needs to know about it.

I love the line “mind your business.” If I can hear your trash ass in my house, it is my business, biyotch!!

9

This…this right here speaks volumes. So much threat and warning in this…I can literally hear the tone of your voice as you speak it. That woman is lucky to have escaped that encounter with her teeth intact.

I don’t have any advice for you. I am one of those people for whom the noise would have to be daily and louder than a train going through for me to even notice, let alone care. I sleep hard and having lived in cities and apartments my whole life, these kinds of neighbors are just part of the scenery for me.

10

That makes me kind of sad. I’ve lived in apartments since 1993, and the only problem neighbors I’ve ever had were the ones I described above. I live in darned modest places, the building I’m in now has a certain number of units that have to meet low income requirements. Doesn’t mean we have to put up with jackassery.

11

Oh yeah. When I was checking out the apt, the sales guy warned (notified?) me that they take previous landlord references very damn seriously, and that he once had to strong-arm a deal for someone who had some kind of very minor complaint whose specifics I can’t remember, but were mild and literally decades ago. I don’t live in a fancy building in the hills, but they’re good at keeping it well-maintained and quiet. When friends complain about noisy neighbors, I used to silently smug at them (dude, I don’t know what anyone here looks/sounds/smells like) and now I’m on the verge of strangling folks. Well, one folk.

Right? You fucking maroon, it’s everyone’s business now!

Edit: Nzinga, I love that you speak my language. Also, which is entirely unrelated to the previous sentence, I get noise and like noise. I actually feel better about the world when noise is around. I live on a major road here and feel better about the universe because of it, but it’s one thing to hear buses all day, and quite another to hear BANG BANGBANGBANG “I HATE YOU!!!” and “GET OUT, YOU NIGGER PIECE OF SHIT” at 4 in the morning. Fuck that noise. I do not do that.

12

I meant this specifically re: the “This bitch…” thing. My posts are making less sense than usual. I need to go to bed.

13

Yeah, I think the kind of noise you describe is the kind that would be my breaking point. Fuck that, especially with my daughter there.

Like MOL said, I actually like noisy city living. My last apartment had party hipsters upstairs, and I didn’t begrudge them their weekends and occasional weekdays of getting stupid drunk. The room I’m renting right now is in a building that is SUPER SILENT. Thank goodness for the dog walkers outside my window, or I would hear no city sounds at all.

14

If you’re making the recording from your apartment or the hall, I can’t see any issue with that. It’s not like you surreptitiously planted a bug IN her apartment. But I’d report it to the building management AND the police. If nothing else, you’re building a case.

15

Exactly.

I found myself in that situation 12 years ago. I had lived in the same apartment for 3 years and had never had any problem with my various neighbours.

Towards late august 2001, I noticed that someone was ringing the bell of the apartment below mine continously. After 20 minutes or so, I decided to see what was happening. There was a dirty-looking woman in her mid-40’s in front of that aprtment’s door with her finger pressed on the button. I asked her what was going on and she mumbled something like: “He won’t let me in”. OK, she was drunk. I asked her several times whether she needed help but she was not paying attention to me. Finally, I got fed up, knocked on the door and said that they had to stop the noise then went back to my flat.

That was just the beginning.

For the next three months, their routine was:

(1) Silence throughout the day.
(2) First noises around 11 p.m.
(3) Full-blown, nasty fight from midnight until 2 or 3 a.m. (insults, singing “I-can’t-hear-you”, doors slammed, furniture being shoved aside, TV at maximum volume, incoherent animal-like shouting, and so on…).

Two or three times a week.

I called the management company. They told me that they were aware of the problem, that other people had complained and that I needed to send them a letter to document the situation, which I did. They calmed down for a few days then it started all over again. This time, the management company told me that although several people had threatened to leave, they couldn’t evict them easily :eek:. They also advised me to write another letter of complaint. And so I did.

One morning, about a month later, as I was going to work, I stumbled upon a man from the company and two policemen in the entrance. I looked at them and said “I feel kind of bad to say that but: thank you very much.”

16

A screaming fight in the middle of the night sounds enough like possible domestic violence to me that I’d call the cops. Let her explain what all the racket is about.

17

Record her. Get someone with some talent to make a mix using your recording. Put it on youtube, where it goes viral.

ETA: DO NOT approach someone in a bar about arranging a hit. In real life that never works out well.
PS ETA: don’t ask me how I know.

18

You live in Chicago, and you want someone murdered? So what’s the problem here? Do you need me to get in touch with my cousin Vinnie? He specializes in removing problems.

19

And make sure to do it every time it happens. The only way to get them to understand the magnitude of the problem is to make it their problem too.

20

My sympathies. I’m having my own problems with an obnoxious family across the street. They really make the neighborhood unpleasant for everyone around them.