I am so tired. I don’t know how people go to college full time and work even part time! Maybe it’s because I’m out of shape. Maybe it’s because I’ve been out of school for so long that I’m out of practice. Maybe it’s because I am way to critical of myself and everything has to be perfect.
Whatever the reason, I am so damn tired.
I am done with nearly all my assignments for this week (the week ends at 11:30 Tuesday night). I still have to read half a chapter for Sociology but that class isn’t on a strict time limit and I can do it any time in the next 3 weeks. I also have a paper to be working on for Liberal Arts but it’s not due for another month. Other than that, it’s all done.
So, you may be wondering why I’m so stressed and why I don’t just take a nap.
Well, I’m paranoid. As far as grades are going, everything is perfect. I love all my classes. I dropped the only one I didn’t like and it’s a good thing I did because there’s no way I could have handled 6 classes. I’m having a blast. I’m learning a lot and I’m even able to recognize how the things I’m learning are applicable to real life.
But, my track record with school is dismal. My GPA in high school was very low (in the low 2’s) and I dropped out of college my first time around. My second time around ended in a necessary dropout for surgery.
I’m paranoid that something will go wrong and it’ll all go to crap. I’m still waiting for my financial aid award letter. What if it’s not enough?
I’m paranoid that I’m forgetting to do something. I did that 2 weeks ago. I totally forgot to write down an assignment. I caught it 4 days early so I had plenty of time to finish it. But, the next day my boyfriend ended up in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism so I spent the weekend sitting by his hospital bed, typing my paper on my laptop and pulling an all-nighter at home to get my Algebra and Stats work done on time.
I’m paranoid that someone will screw up and it’ll end up affecting me. That’s what happened this week (the one that’s ending). I didn’t take Wednesday off like I usually do. I got to work right away and made good headway. But, my government professor screwed up everything last week (I’m actually worried that something bad happened. He’s usually on the ball). We were supposed to have a test. He never posted it. We were supposed to have a discussion board. He gave us a topic but no board to post on. He posted a regular weekly assignment in which we were supposed to write an essay on a political party; due tomorrow. He also posted a project (a 5-8 page paper) which we were supposed to write…on a politica party; due tomorrow…or in November - depending on where you look. So, we had no idea what we were actually supposed to be doing and he didn’t get back to us until yesterday afternoon - after I had already made a decision to guess. I guessed wrong, but didn’t find out until after I posted my essay.
Today I drove the 55 minutes to campus for a seminar on transferring to a 4-year school. The email that the transfer office sent out said it ran from 10-12. I got there at 9:55. Stupid email was wrong. The thing didn’t start until 12. There was absolutely nothing I could do at the campus for 2 hours. I didn’t have any school books or my computer with me. I didn’t have any money. So, I just made a private meeting for next week and drove the 55 minutes back home. I love wasting time, and gas.
I have my algebra midterm on Friday. I’m paranoid that I’m going to fail. I’ve had all high scores so far but I tried a practice test and I couldn’t remember anything from last month. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so tired or if it’s because I didn’t retain anything. I should be studying but I know I wont remember anything at this point.
So, I’m paranoid. I’m on edge. I’m so damn tired. I want to take the afternoon off to relax, maybe watch some TV. My boyfriend finally went back to work today so the house is finally quiet.
But, what if something goes wrong while I’m relaxing?
