My sister-in-law drank herself to death at the age of 42. It was a horrible thing to watch. She came out of a 3-week coma, quit drinking for 6 months, and then went right back into it again for 7 years. We knew she would die young. One day, she said she felt weak and dizzy. Her husband took her to the hospital and she just died.
It’s so mysterious…why does it affect some people so differently than others? WHy can some resist and others can’t? I hope you’ll all get through this together.
I have nothing helpful to say, but you’re in my thoughts.
Thank you all so much for your support, it truly does lighten my heart. After posting last night I had a good cry, and slept very well for the first time in a long time.
As has been noted, AA is an oxymoron here. The town has meetings every day/evening, but there is no anonymity. I thank you lisacurl for the online link, and will definitly give it a try. I have done Al-Anon in the past (back home) and the Serenity Prayer is a lifesaver. I have become fairly proficient with tackling each day’s joys and trials, and putting them behind me when I end the day, and begin fresh the following morning.
And there are joys in my life! 
Martiju my husband is a wonderful man, but he is so not confrontational. That is my job in our marriage! It wouldn’t matter anyway, as an alcoholic will promise anything one day, and throw the promise to the wind on another. I love my in-laws, and accept them for who they are. When the alcohol isn’t in control, they are wonderful, beautiful people.
Cat Jones I do know that the name Wendy was made up by John Barrie when he wrote Peter Pan, but I was unaware of how he came up with it. (I have Finding Neverland on my shelf, waiting for viewing.) My mother wanted to name me Wendy Darling, but dad vetoed the “Darling” so it’s Wendy Jo. Mom’s favorite children’s story is Peter Pan, and I have recently realized that I have a pirate obsession, but am married to Peter Pan! (Johnny Depp made me realize my passion for pirates, lol!)
Mangetout Yes! I met Moses in 1989 when I moved to the village and became very close to his extended family. We were best friends for a year, a deeper relationship developed, and we married in the Spring of '92. In '94 we moved into town, and I had decided that I needed to remove alcohol from my children and home. We seperated, he continued to drink and carouse, and I divorced him in the summer of '95. He missed the kids and I, and our life together, quit drinking, and we remarried in December of '97. No marriage is all sunshine and roses, but we have a strong bond, and I believe that we will stay together for the rest of our lives.
picunurse Yes, I do confront Lucy when she calls, and I can tell that she has been drinking, as well as to her face. It has become easier to do over time, and as she considers me her sister (and I, her) she accepts my confrontation with grace. She admits to her alcoholism, and is trying to quit. I have told her that I will accompany her to meetings anytime she wants, I will do whatever will help her become sober, but I will not enable her any longer, and she accepts this. She is (finally) in a relationship with a man who is not a drinker, and while he loves her, her alcoholism is going to ruin the relationship, so she is really trying. I am going to dig out the movie When a Man Loves a Woman and let her borrow it. As for the entire family, when I moved to town I put my foot down and will not allow anyone under the influence to come around. So, the in-laws don’t visit, but they do call. It’s very sad that, even though the airstrip is less than two blocks from my home, the grandparents and other family members can’t make it to see the kids, they must immediately grab a cab and hit the jug store. Consequently, they do not know our children very well at all. We actually have four children, I brought two daughters into the marriage, and, unfortunately, they have been affected by the drinking which went on when they were growing up. I am also to blame, Though I am not an alcoholic, I developed a serious drinking problem while living in the village. While I do have a very occasional social drink, or a toddy at night, for the most part I prefer my diet Snapple.
CateAyo Cama’i, I appreciate your words, and will order the book you have recommended. I was raised white, but went to the village to find roots with The People. I love my village, and I love The People, and it breaks my heart to watch them struggle and then die. Your words are not quaint, and I am honored by your compliments. I respect your empathy and willingness to speak of the culture. When the Russians came they forced the Alutiiq people to convert to Russian Orthodox Christianity. Too many of the Old Ways are lost, and there are those of us fighting to save the culture from dissapearing. I do encourage, by word and deed, by keeping the traditions I learned from my adopted Elder Mother before she passed. I believe that this is, in part, what helps keep my husband sober. We live a subsistence lifestyle as much as possible, and he is currently under the tutelage of an Elder he fishes with and has begun carving. There are only 17 Elders who speak Alutiq fluently, and we are learning and teaching it to our children.
Spiritually, I am a Christian, but having gone through too many organized denominations, I worship on my own, and believe that it isn’t so much a matter of religon as it is the way one chooses to live one’s life. My husband has the same principals, and we attempt to be responsible, respectful, and loving in all we do. I see the impact this has had on my mother-in-law and Lucy, they are both trying to find the path, and all I can do is stay on the path myself and hope that they will find it themselves. My mother-in-law and I have had some very frank talks recently, and while she hasn’t moved very far from her grief over losing Lisa, I believe that, even though she tries to hold on to hope for a miracle, in her heart she knows that Babe is gone. Otherwise I do not believe for one minute that she would have signed the DNR. With only a very few exceptions she quit drinking after Lisa died, and she has not had a drink since Babe went into the coma. She has even called me to ask for my help in getting Lucy to stay sober. Please know that I do not say these things in a boastful manner, rather a rejoicing in that, perhaps, I have been a bit of a positive influence.
I respectfully accept your intercession on my family’s, and my, behalf. I hope to speak with you again, on a happier note, regarding Indiginous Culture.
Quyanaa,
Wendy
Thank you again to everyone for allowing me a safe, caring environment in which to unload my burden. I appreciate everyone’s kind words, prayers, advice, etc. and I feel that I am able to go onward again. That which the French call The White Nights are tough, but the sun is shining on my world again.
Blessings to all,
Wendy
It is speculated that some Asians (and by extension, the native peoples of the Americas) have a genetic tendency both to be sensitive to the effects of alcohol and prone to the behaviors of alcoholism. Combined with the generally desperate situation that exists on Native Americans who grow up on or around reservations and the strong behaviorial promotion of alcoholism and co-alcoholic dependancy as a legacy passed from generation to generation, it is a difficult fate to escape from. (Native Americans are hardly unique in this; one can look at the ethnic Irish and Russians for a similar pattern of addiction.)
There is no moral debate here; it’s a tragedy for everyone involved, and for no one moreso than the OP who has the option to bail (after all, it’s not her family) but has the fortitude to stick around and shoulder a more-than-reasonable share of the burden.
I’ve no words of wisdom for you–your tale diminshes any complaints I have about my own problems to mere irritations–but I admire your strength.
Good luck to you,
Stranger
Thanks for getting back to us kaiwik, especially to say you are feeling stronger.
I’d also like to thank you, if it’s not patronising, for helping to keep a language alive - to my mind a language reflects a way of thinking, and that’s too precious a thing to loose. (Is your username Alutiq ?).
PS Personally I think you had a lucky escape from Wendy Darling - in the UK at least the scope for sarcastic intonation on the Darling bit could have made life very difficult at school !
kaiwik --just saw this. I hope that things become a bit easier for you, soon.
I think the Al-Anon Online suggestion is a great one.
Here’s hoping that Lucy gets sober soon.
Wendy - I wish you all strength and peace. And although I honour your commitment to your family, perhaps it would be best for your whole family, but especially your children to move away from such a poisonous atmosphere? It can’t be good to raise them around the suicides and alcoholism.
StG
I respect your strength of will. Good for you for chosing first a safe relatively anonymous environment in which to share. Fortunately we have Dopers here who have lived this experience and are articulate and supportive and enormously helpful ( Twickster comes to mind, as well as others ).
You are not alone. I have worked with patients in a persistent vegitative state. I visited a dear friend to find him in that state. You are a good soul for going and being near her. The woman you knew is gone and the visits are a healthy thing for you. They allow you to transition and mourn what has happened.
Agreed with the Dopers I am, who say that you should speak to your husband about this. Similarly, find AlAnon and other support groups.
My heartfelt thoughts are heading north to you.
Cartooniverse
Stranger On A Train I kid you not, my husband’s ethnicity is Alutiiq/Russian/Irish. His family has more than the occasional flaming redhead, and all have the temperment to match. Minus alcohol, they are charming people who would give a stranger not only the shirts off their backs, but also a hot meal and a place to stay, for as long as you need it.
Your remarks humble me. I could itemize the reasons I stay, but the bottom line is I love my husband, and my children love their father, and he loves us. My husband and I both spent a long, lonely time before we found each other, and we both have families from hell. It’s a wonderful thing, to have a partner to hang on to the buoy with when the seas get rough. It is definitley a two way street, my husband was subjected to my one of my brothers deciding to move here to get away from the alcohol/drug scene he was in. He stayed with us while I helped him get set up and moved into an apartment. Did I mention that he’s also schizophrenic? That it was in the middle of a very cold winter? Also, that my brother was off his meds, drinking, and very angry with me for refusing to hook him up with a coke dealer? (It really is a very small town, I could have hooked him up, I just wouldn’t.) My brother went back home after three months, but aiya, what a long three months.
Thank you for your kind words.
Cat Jones Yes, kaiwik is an Alutiiq word for “old woman”, generally used as slang for the husband to use affectionately, as in “This is my old lady” I have never once had any trouble registering it as a username on the internet!
Individual cultures are precious, and I feel both honor and duty bound to do what I can to preserve my children’s culture. In addition to it being a facinating pastime! Here is a link to the Alutiiq Museum and Repository, if you click the link on the front page to “sharing words” you can then see the vocabulary, grammer, etc., and listen to the Elders speaking the words.
As for my real life name, Wendy was enough of a trial. Wendy: Windy, Stormy, Breezy, Hurricane, etc. Not to mention Winnie. As in The Pooh. Still it would have been a sweet adult name! As it is, my name is either “Mom” or “Hun” at this point in my life!
StGermain I thank you for your kind words. I did move my family out of the village and into the town of Kodiak, and have strictly eliminated their (my children’s) exposure to the family’s dramas, along with that of other villagers* who are active alcoholics, and other aquaintences of divers ethnicity, but dysfunctional in their own special ways. My children are happy, well adjusted, and I am content that they are not aware of 95% of what is going on. As for moving off island, well, my husband is a commercial fisherman, his work is here, he fishes with a few great skippers and gets paid well, as he has fished with them for the last 11 years. My children are in very good schools, each has their group of friends, all of whom are good kids with stable family lives. They are entering adolescence, and from prior experience (with my two older daughters) this would be a bad time to uproot them. The community I live in is beautiful and a wonderful place to live with many good people. I appreciate your concern, and I concurr, which is why I have taken some (in the eyes of the in-laws as well as others) drastic measures to make certain that the kidlets are not exposed to the underside of either their husband’s family, or mine. They have not attended a funeral, nor been to the hospital to “visit” their aunt. Our holidays are spent with the many friends who have become our family. All in all, we live a happy life.
I am feeling back on an even keel, I needed to let some of my burden go. I truly did not expect such an outpouring of support. To all who have responded, you are a wonderful group of people, and I am so appreciative for your kindnesses. Thank you!
Completely random and unrelated: hey, I didn’t notice your location. My mom went to high school in Kodiak and was there for the '64 earthquake. I’d like to visit someday.
Strange what we do with names is,'t it ? **Ponster ** gets called ‘Boyfriend’ most of the time!
Thanks for the link to the museum site - I’m gong to have a longer look later.
kaiwik You sound like a very strong woman. Even the strong need to unload the burdens and that is what The Dope is for.
The fact that you are raising your children away from such a tragic circus of codependancy is one hellova step for you and a brighter future for your children.
Focusing on your children and giving them(and yourself) a sanctuary in this world is paramount.
This bears repeating. You cannot change the wind, only adjust your sails.
Armchair Quarterback Diagnosis Provided to You Free of Charge
Regarding your SIL in the PVS and your MIL, can you talk to the hospital staff to have a social worker talk to your mother in law? She definately needs some kind of therapy or support group to unload herself upon. If she hears it from a 3rd party who ambush her at the hospital room, it could help.
Is babe in a long term critical care home? Group home? How is it being paid? Medicaid/Medicare? some kind of NA medical care? If she is sick at the hospital for more than X amount of days, does she lose her room at the care facility? Does your FAIL come down for visits? Other siblings?
How did the other siblings die, if I may ask?
The problem you could argue with your MIL, but she won’t listen, is that while she is afraid of losing another child (and what parent isn’t) she already has lost that child and is afraid internally of being viewed as a bad mother for not doing enough and failing Babe. That is my take on these things. Letting go of Babe so that she may at last be at rest and peace will be the ulitimate failure to her. No parent wants to give up.It is a shitty situation any way you look at it.
However, this is not your mom and really, is not your problem. Your husband needs to step up to the plate a bit more. (I, too, have a non confrontational husband. He doesn’t want to hurt peoples feelings and he does deal with the issues, but nothing ever gets resolved because he is too diplomatic. I am the Bad Cop of the relationship, so I completely understand where you come from.)
It is important to remember that every family is fcuked up..Some more than others and it is how you deal with the inner machinations of each individual quirk and problem that will define you as person. ( May I recommend Prozac or similar: It puts a deflective sheild around you so that instead of someone’s self wallowing or asshattery that normally drives you bonkers it doesn’t even register. It is like " Hey, X just said some bullshit and I am not affected. It isn’t my problem…it is their problem…not one blip on the radar of hate. YAY!" YMMV. After you memorize Every family is fcuked up. you will begin to realize * Everyone needs to be medicated. [/size]
My own widowed mother has buried three sons due to Muscular Dystrophy. I cannot reason with her and I cannot make her see things in a less tragic light, when she gets off on a bent about things, I just change the subject. When she takes her meds, it isn’t so bad. But I will not allow her own wallowing ruin my life and the lives of my children. It would be allowing the MD and the Depression to claim another victim.
It may sound selfish to some, but to anyone who has been in a constant state of health care crisis probably knows what I am talking about.
Don’t be afraid to vent here.
The Dope is an outstanding resource of a thousand perspectives that you can pick and choose advice to fit your needs at your own pace with the comfort of anonyminity.
My email is in my profile. I may kill threads at an alarming rate, but I don’t bite.
dangermom Kodiak is one of the most beautiful places on earth. If you decide to take a trip up here, I would be happy to send “must see/do” tips, and we could even hang out together if you would like.
Cat Jones hehehe, yeah, I am a big on nicknames, as are a lot of my family and friends. My kids are Princess, Nay Nay or Peach, Dre (pronounced Drah) or DJ, and The Boy or Munchkin!
Shirley Ujest I appreciate your words, and after writing a reply decided that it was an awful lot of information, so I will email you later this evening.
As a side note, a woman my age from the village I have known for 16 years, died day before yesterday, she drank herself to death. A combination of a non-working liver and internal gastric bleeding. Such a waste of another life.
Oh wow, thanks, but it’s not like we’ll have the cash for the trip anytime soon, so don’t count on me. 
Good vibrations headed your way, though.
That’s not entirely true. Shirley is a gem of a Doper and dispenses wise and well-considered advice with comforting frequency.
However… she did serve 36 months in Sing-Sing once on a Conspiracy To Kill A Thread rap, and her bite is best left to the viewer to describe.
( she knows I just admire her to bits. )
Wendy I haven’t received an email yet. Are you trapped under something heavy?
hehehe…as a matter of fact, I have been…two teenagers who were determined that they were not going to clean their rooms, while I was even more determined that they were!!! I guess it’s time to build their crates!
Okay, I’m off to send your email, it’s waiting in my draft box. Hang on, it’s a bumpy ride.
Wendy
Don’t forget the bad puns!
When puns go bad…next on Cops!
My most profust apologies.
kaiwik- I haven’t much to add as so much has already been said, and said well. I just wanted you to know the heart-felt support reaches out to you from here in Florida. Your strength and purpose is both uplifting and humbling. Any problems I, and many here, may have pale in comparison.
Hang tough kaiwik. We are always here to listen.
Nic
