I need to vent anonymously, please don't let this spiral into a moral debate

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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sigh The in-laws are seriously overwhelming me, my husband is out fishing (again, it’s his job, not a sport) and I have no one to talk to about this who does not already have an opinion, in part blamed on the actions of my in-laws in everyday life. Part of small town life, and the biggest reason I kept my maiden name when I married my husband. Both times.

I am married to an Alaska Native, which I have mentioned before, and we have two children together. Having been spent a large part of my life living next to a reservation, going to high school and church with Native Americans, living for five years in a tiny Alaska Native fishing village, along with having a healthy dose of N.A. blood running through my veins, nothing which I am about to say is in any way written with a racist bias. I also have a good representation of alcoholics in the non-Native side of my family, so any frustration with alcoholism is not to be construed as stereotyping. Please.

My husband comes from a very tragic family. (As do I, but we are talking about my here and now reality, my family lives over 1,000 miles away.) Up to four generations back that I am aware of personally there has been rampant alcoholism, leading to a terribly dysfunctional lifestyle, which in turn has precipitated several suicides, the most recent being my sister-in-law Lisa two years ago. She was one of the twin babies in a family of six children. My husband is the second oldest child, and the oldest (living, legitimate) son. (another story)

Last October while my husband was in the Bering Sea his older sister Babe went on a drinking binge for almost three weeks, consuming little or nothing beyond alcohol. When the money ran out, she went into the D.T.'s, had several massive seizures, and was without oxygen for at least a half an hour before being resusitated. She was medivac’d to the Native Services hospital in Anchorage, where she spent three weeks in a coma. She was finally brought back to the island and admitted to the hospital. A family meeting was called, and I was aprehensive. No disrespect, but my in-laws are not terribly well informed. They didn’t have a clue. My husband’s next younger sister Lucy and I have always been close, and I do my best to not let her live in delusion. We went to the meeting prepared, as did my husband (who was home by then). I knew Babe’s situation, I know how to google, and I try to keep up with current events. I had a pretty good idea of what we would be facing in the meeting.I

The doctor spoke far over my in-laws heads, until I finally stopped her and asked some very direct questions. Bottom line, Babe is in a persistent vegetative state. My in-laws are “in this for the long haul” and fully expect Babe to wake up, get out of bed, and resume her life. It’s not going to happen.

The hospital cannot even remove her trach tube, so her lungs are suctioned regularly, she is being stomach tube fed, she continually developes pneumonia, UTI’s and bladder infections. She had her teeth pulled a few years ago, and she now grinds her gums until they too are infected. She is atrophying into a fetal position, the braces have been unable to keep her hands and feet from becoming distorted, and her face is a constant grimace of pain. It is heart wrenching to visit her, but as the wife of the eldest son who is out fishing, it is my family duty.

Her eyes have met mine, and it is a chilling experience, no one is there. Yes, she responds to loud sounds, such as Lucy’s repeated attempts to “shock” Babe into wakefullness by yelling into her ear to wake up. Yes, Babe startles, but she also tries to draw away from pain stimulation administered by the doctor. My mother-in-law is breaking my heart with her determination to not lose another child. She left her husband in the village and has moved into town, and is working at one of the canneries in order to be able to visit Babe every day at either the Care Center or the hospital, depending on Babe’s current status. The cannery work is long hours, exhaustingly labor intensive, and she is not a young woman.

Between Lucy, my husband Moses and I, we have convinced mom that signing a DNR is the best thing possible, but we know that she could revoke it at any time. In addition, Babe was a healthy (other than alcoholism) 37 year old woman, and the doctor says she could live for another two or three decades.

My heart breaks for my mil and fil, they have both buried children who were in their prime, a total of four between them. My husband, sisters- and brother-in law are grieving constantly. My husband is fortunate that he is able to get out of town and keep busy, the rest of the family is not taking this well at all, and swing from wild optimism to the depths of despair. Guess who gets the hysterical phone calls at all hours, with the person on the other end wanting to go over and over the tragedy endlessly? I have taken to turning the phone off and just checking for voice mail for calls I either want or need to return.

This is all really heavy baggage to have sitting in the front room of my mind every day. But wait! There’s more!

A tiny bit of back story, my husband has been sober for 11.5 years. It took divorcing him before he decided that he wanted out of the circus, but we are 15 years into this relationship and going strong. :slight_smile:

However, it has not occured to any other family member that, just perhaps, alcohol might be the root of much of their troubles, and they carry on, binge drinking for weeks, some in the village will take to drinking Listerine, vanilla and other extracts, Blazo, nasty nasty nasty homebrew, whatever they can get their hands on. I don’t get too angry with them, but I do get frustrated. So many deaths. So many beatings and other ugliness which goes along ith the disease, particularly in The Bush, where The Law does not care to intervene until there is a dead body. Seriously.

I have no where to go with this, I am in a horrible limbo between the tragedy of another family member lost but in suspension between life and death, and the alternating fervent belief in a miracle and the despairing depths of brief realization that another daughter/sister/etc. is not coming home again by my in-laws.

I am really not here for sympathy, one of my very best sane friends always tells me that I can find sympathy in the dictionary between shit and syphyllis. I just needed to unburden, and I appreciate the ability to give the hamsters a bit of a jog this evening to just let my emotions flow.

Lucy is my biggest frustration. She is 10 years younger than I am, and yes, I have enabled her in years past to help her through her periodic breakdowns of consience, I have helped her out of three abusive relationships, and now she wants to hold my hand through this situation with her sister. Which I wouldn’t mind IF she wasn’t still drinking, and trying to lie to me that she isn’t. I have known the woman for 16 years, I can hear the alcohol in her voice over the phone, and she is dense beyond belief when she is assuring me that she hasn’t had a drop to my face while my eyes are watering from the fumes.

It’s complicated, I have barely scratched the surface, but I am going to explode if I don’t vent this out of my spleen to a safe audience who won’t report that I was talking smack about the in-laws before dawn, thereby putting me back into shunned status.

I have waited to post this, for obvious reasons, and I do not want this to post to derail. I am a Christian, but I can’t visit her without thinking to myself that we just need to throw dirt on the woman and let her rest in peace. Then I experience terrible guilt for those thoughts, but I still pray that she will just let go.

I’m not sure how to close this with any grace. Thanks for listening, for a place to safely open up. I appreciate it.

Wendy

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Wendy

That’s very touching - and I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know if it’s possible but perhaps you could talk to your husband about the whole situation and see if he can talk to the mil/fil.

Other than that, I certainly will be thinking of you today.

J.

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I was the first to read your post this morning and could think of nothing to say that would help - the fact that you have had so many views since then (70+) shows people are listening. The lack of responses - what is there to say ? you’re doing your best in a horrible situation, and it’s good to see your request being respected so far (no one weighing in with judgements). Continue to ‘vent’ whenever you need, we’ll continue to listen.

PS Did you know that the name Wendy was made up by John Barrie when he wrote Peter Pan ? His inspiration was hearing the way some children mis-prounced ‘friend’, fwend :slight_smile:

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Wendy, I’m so sorry that your husband’s family is dealing with this, and that you’re a part of it as well. I can not say that I’m surprised to hear about it in a small village up north, because I saw this sort of thing (not to this extent!) time and time again in my time in the NWT, and in Alberta where I grew up in Canada. It’s everywhere.

Best wishes, best thoughts, and good luck to you and the family.

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My heart goes out to you, kaiwik. What a tough position to be in. I’ve dealt with the alcoholism of my ex-husband, but not nearly to the extent you have had to deal with, and can understand your frustration with all the denial. Just know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many, and always feel free to use us as your sounding board. Being alone with this burden is no fun, and sometimes venting in a safe place is the best thing you can do.

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Please could you clarify this bit for me? Were you divorced from him, then reconciled?

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Are you familiar with Al-Anon?

Al-Anon website.
Alaska Al-Anon & Alateen website.
Request for List of On-line Meetings.
ANCHORAGE - Al-Anon Information Service (907-276-6646) PO Box 200508, 99520

You’re carrying an awfully heavy load. Don’t try to carry it alone.

Best wishes, and congratulations to your husband on his sobriety.

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Sounds like you are doing the best you can with an awful situation. A friend of mine is an alcoholic, and although she does not get violent, and binges only last a long weekend typically, I set it destroying her from the inside. She has neither the motivation or mental acuity to realize her dreams, and gets more depressed by each mounting failure. It is hard to watch, and be able to do so little to help.

And this is nothing compared to what you are dealing with. My heart goes out to you.

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Wendy it is hard to know what to say. I will keep Babe, the in-laws, your husband and you in my thoughts and prayers. I don’t have any personal experiences (family and so forth) with alcoholism but I’ve seen a lot of families torn apart by it. Stay strong and take care of yourself. Vent here when you need too. For the most part we’re a good group of folks that can lend you moral support, if nothing else.

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Wendy – You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. As laina_f said, if you’re not already involved in AlAnon, it might be worth looking into.

twicks, recovering alcoholic with plenty of drunks in her family tree

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Wendy, My heart goes out to you. Being cast in the role as the “strong one” is daunting. You have my great respect.

I’m curious about something,

Do you confront Lucy? Every time? A drunk is like a child. If you aren’t diligently consistant, they will turn you upside down.
When you hear the alcohol, tell her, gently, that you hear it. Allow her to deny, then say you can’t talk to her until she’s straight. Same in person, if you smell it, tell her. Then tell her you really want to see her as soon as she’s straight.
It won’t necessarily make her stop altogether, but at least it will keep you and your husband safe.
{{{Wendy}}} Hang in.

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You’re in my thoughts, too, dear. Best wishes, and please keep us posted. If it helps you to vent, this is a safe place to do it and none of us will report you to your family.

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I’m from rural Alaska as well.

Vent all you want, we’ll make more.

The problem with groups like AA and NA in rural AK is that the “Anon” part is functionally impossible (or at the least, astonishingly difficult). This puts a damper on the helpfulness of the groups - it’s hard to vent to strangers about your in-laws when the “strangers” are people you see every day, at least one of whom is unlikely to be able to keep what happens in group in group.

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Al-Anon groups on the internet: http://www.ola-is.org/

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{{{kaiwik}}} My thoughts are with you through this difficult time.

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Just wanted to let you know I am listening to you too, Wendy, and offering prayers for your family. Alanon has been very helpful to me. Maybe you can check out what the group offers online.

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kaiwik I’m so sorry you’re shouldering such a heavy burden.

The most important thing for you to do is to remember the serenity prayer:

[god] Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Now, remember that the only thing you can change in this world is yourself. You can’t change your husband or your inlaws or the situation. All you can do is change how you act and react to what’s happening.

Happiness is an inside job. Treat yourself with love and respect first, then let that love and respect wash over onto the others in your life.

Figure out what you need to be at peace and do it as much as you can, to whatever extent you can, every single day.

I wish you strength and courage during this trying time in your life. If you ever felt like venting to a stranger who’s got a boatload of alcoholism in her family (and who’s buried a couple of children) my e-mail’s in my profile.

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More thoughts and prayers. This is a great community and a great place to vent. Someone’s always here to listen.

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Kaiwik,

This is a heart-rending story and it is all to common, especially in N/A communities. Our friends here have suggested Al-Anon. This is an excellent suggestion but one also needs to realize that AA doesn’t enjoy the same success rate amongst the N/A population what it may in other demographics. The problem with us is frequently binge drinking and the related high-risk behaviors, not clinical alcoholism. A good book on the subject is “Fighting Firewater Fictions: Moving beyond the Disease Model of Alcoholism in First Nations”, by Richard W. Thatcher, Univ. Toronto Press (2004). Thatcher is a clinician and although not Indigenous himself, shows a good understanding of the world view. The book may help, but only with a portion of your problems.

You are impressive to me in that you are undertaking your obligations in this matter. There is strength and honor in that. Too many today find obligation to others, even family, as inconvenient. You do not say what cultural/spiritual tradition you follow. As you know, they are one and the same in the Indigenous mode of thought. May I suggest that you fall back to your Native American culture or that of your in-laws, and reinforce the notion that they do the same. I think it will help them realize the state their daughter is in and redefine it (and death) in a less loss-oriented way. The “traditional path” is also most useful in breaking the chain of alcohol abuse.

I do understand, given your circumstance, that my words may not be particularly welcome. They may appear quaint and therefore of little use to you. If that is the case, then I will apologize for my intrusion. However, if you feel you need me, email me.

I will keep your people in my prayers, burn cedar for your sister-in-law and for your strength of spirit, and ask my Old Ones to assist in whatever way they might.

Mitakuye Oyasin
Respect to your relations

Hawk

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Alcoholism is a huge problem for Canada’s native population (and Alaska’s too, no doubt), but we’re not supposed to say that, because then we’re being racist. Hmm, ignoring the problem doesn’t seem to be working; maybe we should try something else. Your whole story makes me so sad; so many Native Canadians (and Americans) who could be contributing their unique characteristics to our society are just wasted.

I just don’t know what to say. It would be absolutely fantastic if your husband’s family could all stop drinking and start living, but we both know that’s not likely. I guess all you can try to do is help anybody who wants it to get out of the drinking lifestyle.